When people talk about children, I regularly hear them refer to the associated parental responsibility. It’s often spoken of in the same way as a mortgage or job: the weight of the duty clearly an unwelcome pressure making us feel emotionally overwhelmed. And as all parents will appreciate, the relentlessness can, of course, be all-consuming.

If we’re being frank, it can be downright suffocating.

But reframing that mindset can bring a more positive perspective, and empower you as a parent.

Parental Duty is Hard

Our babies are our whole world, and that never stops. We want the best for them and we do what is necessary to keep them healthy, and safe, and – as far as possible – happy.

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Naturally, our best will never quite be enough: from the moment they learn the word ‘no’, we must accept that we will be scrutinised constantly – and usually we’ll be found wanting.

I don’t know about you, but I feel the responsibility of having children almost incessantly.

The exhaustion that comes from putting another person at the centre of our universe and generally receiving little thanks is understandably dispiriting. Who knew you could feel tiredness in your bones? It can make us despondent at best and resentful at worst.

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When we’re on our knees and critically in need of a break, *whispers* they can even feel like a burden. (It’s the reason they’re designed cute, apparently.)

But this post is not, in fact, about the hardships of having a child.

The thing About Parental Responsibility…

Because despite the overwhelming grind that is never quite ‘done’; despite the taxing stresses of a needy toddler; when I consider my responsibilities towards my daughters, I don’t think of the mental and physical fatigue.

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Awe and Wonder

I think of the wonder in their innocent faces when they look at me; I think about how our interactions at such tender ages will shape them as people. I think of the blank canvases I have before me, and my capacity to make them flourish – or flounder.

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I think of the delicate, unfinished souls which I have the honour and privilege of holding in my palms, and in my arms; I think of the default adoration, and trust, and faith they place in me, every day.

I think of the many, many ways both myself and their father bear the potential to inadvertently harm their unique sweet (and often feisty), sensitive natures – and in doing so, damage them for life.

Mother and daughter

Parenting Epiphany

My husband and I had an epiphany several years ago, the logic of which we all know, but don’t necessarily apply to our own circumstances. We came to realise that we never question the things our parents tell us when we’re small.

As we grow and develop our own minds and understanding of the world, we may begin to call them out on their ideas, theories and values; but as young children, we are programmed to simply accept whatever they tell us as the absolute truth.

And, if we’ve grown up believing a particular concept, it’s only when we repeat it and somebody else questions it that we finally examine our unshakeable conviction…

Fallible Parents

A beautiful example of what I mean:

As a kid, my husband noticed he sometimes had a stomach ache after going swimming. When he asked his father why this was, he was given an answer which his young mind found acceptable; and which thereafter he always accepted to be the truth.

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Until he recounted it to me as an adult, causing me to nearly have a seizure from laughing so hard). For your delectation, here’s his little gem:

If you get a tummy ache when you go swimming, it’s because sometimes…the water goes up your bum.

Moving on.

The Responsibility Privilege of Being a Parent

So I don’t dwell on the responsibility of our daughters (it’s what I signed up to, after all) – I focus on my responsibility towards them. I think of how they place me on a pedestal – just as I did with my own parents – and the extreme honour and privilege that is.

Parents with baby

The staggeringly daunting ‘responsibility’ I feel for our daughters is all about them, and not about me at all. It’s for their welfare today, and their wellbeing – for the rest of their lives.

Does the responsibility of being a parent make you emotionally overwhelmed? Do you have (irrational?) fears about screwing up your child?

Tags

Motherhood, Parenting, Positivity

An award-nominated blogger and author, Kate is an experienced breastfeeding advocate, and expert baby sleep chaser. Her writing has appeared on Mothercare, Huff Post, and BritMums.

2 Comments

  1. justsayingmum Reply

    Kate, I love this! The responsibility is overwhelming at times and only just recently I announced to one of mine that I actually didn’t want to do it anymore – proceeded to leave home for two hours before returning back to my role that I know I have to fulfil – but those two hours (driving up the A12 for an hour and then back for an hour) were what I needed to pop things into perspective. I never not want to be a mum but some days are too much – I’m fine now! But it’s a reminder to ourselves that it is so so tough some days and the pressures too much to keep smiling at and trying to defeat. Parenting and reflection and overwhelmingness is what bringing up a child is all about – even if we can fool them with it being water up their bum! In all fairness I wish i could use similar advice for the teens and it work! happy New Year lovely xx

    • Kate Tunstall Reply

      Aw, thank you, such a lovely comment! Sorry you had that stress, but I understand the feelings all too well (though for very different reasons I imagine!) and I’m glad it didn’t last long.

      Thank you for your lovely words, happy new year Sweetie xx

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