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Inner Child Work: Powerful Healing to Make Peace With Past Trauma

Inner child healing is the term given to therapeutic work for childhood wounds. It can be carried out alone or with the support of a therapist. Inner child work can be challenging – but it can also be literally life-changing for those struggling with childhood trauma.

Inner Child Healing to Make Peace With Early Trauma

Inner child healing | Inner child work | Image shows woman sitting in a field with her finger and thumb together.
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As adults, so many of us have various mental health issues to navigate, for example anxiety, depression, past trauma.

But if those difficulties stem from childhood experiences then you may benefit from suppressed inner child work, such as reparenting yourself, or inner child healing meditation.

Instead of being logical and rational, our learned reactions to stress, anxiety, fear, and sadness are distorted, which may lead to self-sabotaging behaviour by the suppressed inner child.

Reparenting exercises to heal the inner child can be a hugely beneficial part of shadow work (a concept developed by psychiatrist Carl Jung) for anyone who carries the weight of childhood wounds.

What is the Inner Child?

You’ve likely heard the expression ‘inner child’, but what exactly does it mean, and how does it relate to your life in adulthood? 

We all have an inner child, but we don’t all have a healthy relationship with that innocent and vulnerable part of ourselves.

When we face a traumatic event as a child, we’re usually ill-equipped to deal with the resulting difficult emotions. We develop valid and necessary coping mechanisms as a consequence of this emotional distress, and these stay with us in our unconscious mind – but are often detrimental to us in our adult life.

Read: 400+ Journal Prompts to Inspire and Motivate You!

The Suppressed Inner Child

Instead of being logical and rational, our learned reactions to stress, anxiety, fear, and sadness are distorted, which may lead to self-sabotaging behaviour by the suppressed inner child.

Reparenting yourself is a valuable tool for working through childhood trauma. Image shows woman sitting by a rain-spattered window.

How to Identify Your Inner Child

Loosely based on the model of the id, the ego, and the superego developed by Sigmund Freud, there are three components to our personalities: the inner child, the outer child, and the adult self.

Inner Child Traits

The inner child is tender and vulnerable, reliant on the caregivers to have their needs met and driven my primal instincts.

Examples of inner child traits:

  • Innocent;
  • Emotional;
  • Sensitive;
  • Playful and curious;
  • Open, sincere;
  • Craves love, safety, connection, recognition, validation.
Young child looking out of a window.

Outer Child Traits

The outer child responds to and aims to protect the inner child:

  • Impulsive,
  • Irrational,
  • Demonstrates emotional baggage,
  • Impatient,
  • Self-centred,
  • Overprotects the inner child,
  • Focused on having needs met.

Traits of the Adult Self

When the child has developed in a healthy environment, the adult outlook reflects this in healthy ways:

  • Able to set healthy boundaries,
  • Has healthy self-esteem,
  • Able to identify true feelings and own needs,
  • Able to communicate same in a calm and rational manner,
  • Retains integrity in times of conflict,
  • Confident of self-worth,
  • Makes self-care a priority.
Confident and self-assured black woman.

Unfortunately, when a child grows up in a dysfunctional environment where they experience emotional or psychological abuse or neglect (which can occur in any number of situations which may not always be obvious), the adult self is strongly influenced by and develops more closely aligned with the outer child or, rather, as the ‘wounded child’.

Traits of the Wounded Inner Child

Examples of wounded child traits include:

  • Insecure,
  • Self-sabotaging behaviours,
  • Poor self-esteem and harsh inner critic,
  • Poor body image or body dysmorphia,
  • Fear of abandonment,
  • Incapable/fearful of setting healthy boundaries,
  • Deep-seated belief of being ‘broken’,
  • Feelings of shame and guilt,
  • Places disproportionate value on approval of others,
  • Seeks reassurance,
  • Tendency towards instant gratification and addiction.

For a child to grow up well-adjusted and develop into the healthy adult self, they need to form a secure attachment with their care-giver/s during the pivotal developmental stage of the formative years. Failure to do so is what leads to the above false self wounded children traits instead.

Woman Looking in Broken Mirror

Attachment Theory

Attachment theory was developed by John Bowlby in 1958, and later studied further by his colleague Mary Ainsworth in 1962 (and subsequently by Shemmings, 2011;  Brown and Ward, 2013).

Their collective work identifies four fundamental types of attachment between the child and caregiver, including secure attachment and three different forms of insecure attachment:

Secure Attachment

Applies to 55% of the population and occurs when the caregiver is sensitive and responsive to the infant’s needs.

Emotionally, the child develops appropriately, learning to self-regulate their stress, and feeling confident in the knowledge they can be vulnerable with their caregiver/s and will not be rejected or ignored.

Mother and young son embracing.

Insecure Avoidant Attachment

Applies to 23% of the population and tends to occur when the caregiver finds it difficult to respond sensitively to the infant’s needs.

The child’s experience tends to be of a caregiver who is rejecting, dismissive, and controlling. Consequently they learn to believe they are neither loved nor loveable.

As the child develops, they shut down and repress their feelings because they’ve learned that any display of emotion will drive the caregiver away.

Insecure Ambivalent Attachment

Applies to 8% of the population and tends to occur when the caregiver is inconsistent in their response to the infant, sometimes but not always leaving them with unmet needs.

The child in this scenario is left confused and may display attention-seeking behaviours which are not always successful and reflect their simultaneous need for, and anger with, the caregiver.

Disorganised Attachment

Applies to 15% of the population and may be observed in children who are frightened of their caregiver.

They may fear approaching the caregiver for comfort because they’re unpredictable and erratic in the way they respond, and may be positive or hostile.

These children have difficulty regulating strong emotions and may become aggressive adults.

Middle Finger

Learning to identify, connect to, and nurture your inner child can allow you to begin the process of validating and healing old wounds, which can lead to a more peaceful and fulfilled life.

What Types of Environment Lead to Insecure Attachment With the Caregiver?

It would be easy to assume that an abusive parent is always the reason for an infant forming an insecure attachment, but that’s not the case. It can also be the result of a number of less obvious, more subtle and nuanced scenarios; risk factors include:

  • Parents with psychiatric conditions such as personality disorders,
  • Caregivers who use guilt as a tool,
  • Unreliable, untrustworthy, or neglectful parents,
  • Caregivers with PTSD,
  • Substance abuse in the home,
  • Exposure to or victim of physical abuse,
  • Family break up,
  • Controlling or coddling parents,
  • Insensitive or emotionally unavailable parents,
  • Caregivers with unresolved mourning,
  • Autism,
  • Genetics.

This all clearly demonstrates the importance of forming a secure attachment as a child; but, if that didn’t happen for you for whatever reason, all is not lost.

This is where inner-child work can be helpful. First undoing the harm caused in infancy, inner child work lays the framework for restructured, healthier emotional responses, which should translate to better, more successful relationships with family members and beyond.

Mother Comforting Daughter

What Are the Benefits of Inner Child Work?

When we’re traumatised in childhood, the wound that is created often lives inside of us until we actively put in the work to heal it. And this wounded child is the part of us which often responds to difficult or uncomfortable feelings in adulthood.

It means that we can appear to be irrational, and that can be harmful to our relationships. Left unchecked, it leads to the self-sabotaging behaviours talked about earlier, plus of course it makes us miserable.

Inner child healing is the antidote to this negative situation – you can help your inner child feel safe, secure, and valued. And that’s achieved through inner child work.

The process of inner child work can help the adult to let go of the pain and associated negative emotions, beliefs, and irrational responses which can otherwise manifest as self-sabotaging behaviours.

Does Inner Child Healing Work?

A commitment to inner work can lead to healing that part of your psyche, yes.

Learning to identify, connect to, and nurture your inner child can allow you to begin the process of validating and healing old wounds, which can lead to a more peaceful and fulfilled life.

Working With the Inner Child

One method of inner child work is via reparenting exercises. They’re a powerful way of nurturing your inner child so that you’re able to retrospectively provide for yourself the things you missed out on in your early life; the theory is that this enables your adult self to make peace with the hurts endured as a child. 

Dealing with your problems is the best insurance policy for forming a healthy and joyful bond with your own children.

This healing process can help the adult to let go of the pain and associated negative emotions, beliefs, and irrational responses which can otherwise manifest as self-sabotaging behaviours.

Note that insecure attachment of the parent is not is and of itself a risk factor for repeating history with your own children, however the resulting issues may (or may not) make responsive parenting more difficult.

Dealing with your problems is the best insurance policy for forming a healthy and joyful bond with your own children. 

Mother and daughter cuddling

What is Reparenting Therapy?

In psychotherapy, reparenting refers to mental health professionals or therapists assuming the role of the sensitive and responsive parent; in self-reparenting, you do this for yourself.

Fostering / repairing / strengthening a positive relationship with yourself can only be beneficial! 

What Are the Benefits of This Kind of Therapy?

Working with a therapist provides a safe environment for you to:

  • Feel supported,
  • Experience a secure attachment,
  • Learn to trust.

Possible disadvantages of this style of therapy include the necessary professional boundary which places limitations on the developing relationship between client and therapist, and the authenticity of the relationship. 

For these reasons, self-reparenting can be a better option; it’s something you can do alone, at your own pace, and with absolute investment in the process. 

Advantages of Self-Reparenting

Fostering / repairing / strengthening a good relationship with yourself can only be beneficial! 

Suppressed inner child work can be hugely beneficial for childhood trauma. Image shows woman embracing young girl.

These are some of the advantages of self-reparenting:

  • Identify your unmet childhood needs;
  • Experience vulnerability in a non-threatening, safe space;
  • (Metaphorically) confront inadequate parent/s, without fear of abandonment.

While these benefits may also be possible to achieve in therapy, it’s possible they may feel difficult to accomplish in that environment, and more comfortable to attempt alone.

How Do You Heal the Inner Child?

So now we’ve got through all the background and information to give you a broad understanding of what your inner child is, how they may have been wounded, and why it’s so beneficial to work on reparenting, let’s take a look at the steps you can take towards healing your inner world.

These are some practical exercises you can do to begin inner child healing:

  • The first step is to acknowledge the presence of your inner child,
  • Write a letter to your younger self,
  • Write a letter from a younger version of yourself to your parent/s,
  • Ask your inner child questions,
  • Inner child meditation and mindfulness exercises,
  • Journaling,
  • Create and say self-love affirmations to your inner child.
Read: How to journal + beginner tips to create a writing ritual you’ll stick to!

Healing Inner Child Meditation

Healing inner child meditation is a great opportunity to do many of the above activities.

You can use visualisation meditation to help you acknowledge and picture your inner child, while the Buddhist practice of metta meditation, also known as loving-kindness meditation, can be a useful tool for asking those questions and opening yourself up to hear the answers, and for directing affirmations to your inner child.

Yoga
Inner child healing meditation is a great way of connecting with your inner child.

Consider how you would respond to your inner child if they were not you, but a living breathing child living through the same traumatic experiences you did.

Allow yourself to feel the gentle kindness and affection you would naturally extend to a child going through a similarly difficult time, and lavish it on your inner child. They, you, deserve it.

Inner Child Journaling & Inner Child Healing Journal Prompts

Journaling is my fallback; it’s a powerful tool for helping us to acknowledge, identify, analyse, process, grow, and heal. 

Try these prompts for childhood memories, to help you access your inner child and begin to reparent:

1. Things I feel about my early years are…

2. Things I missed out on in my childhood are…

3. Things I feel about my mother/father/caregiver are…

4. I wish my parents had _______________.

5. It wasn’t my fault that my parents __________________.

My Positivity Project

6. When I _______________, it was coming from a place of _______________. I now know that those feelings were caused by a desperate need for ________________ and I deserve forgiveness.

7. Things I shouldn’t feel shame for are…

8. I want to heal my inner child wounds so I can…

9. I am going to nurture my inner child by…

You may also like these journal prompts for personal growth.

Secure attachments are the blueprints for healthy future relationships and boundaries.

Inner Child Affirmations

These are some examples you could use, or you can write your own:

  1. My feelings are valid.
  2. I am worthy of love and respect.
  3. I am safe.
  4. I can make mistakes and still be a wonderful person.
  5. I deserve to be heard.
  6. I deserve unconditional love.
  7. I have nothing to feel ashamed about.
  8. My true self is valuable and I have much to offer.
  9. I am perfect just as I am.
  10. I deserve forgiveness.
  11. My experiences are valid.
  12. The way I was treated as child is not my fault, nor my responsibility.
  13. It’s okay to feel the hurt.
  14. It’s okay to let the pain go.
  15. I deserved love and nurturing as a child, and I deserve it now.
Exercises to heal the inner child can help you to make peace with childhood trauma. Image shows woman embracing a young girl.
Exercises to heal the inner child can help you to make peace with childhood trauma.
Looking for more affirmations? Read 340 Positive Daily Affirmations

What Are Some Good Resources on Healing Your Inner Child?

If you’d like to read more about the concept of the inner child, one of the very best resources to start with is this article or the following book, both written by Vietnamese monk, Thích Nhất Hạnh:

Final Thoughts on Healing the Inner Child

The good news is: it’s never too late to heal from the wounds experienced during childhood.

Affection, recognition, nurturing, and emotional support are valid childhood needs, vital for forming secure attachments and laying the blueprints for healthy future relationships and boundaries.

When these needs go unmet and an insecure attachment is formed instead, the associated relational trauma can leave lifelong emotional and intimacy issues. 

The good news is: it’s never too late to heal from past experiences and any resulting wounds from childhood.

By practicing inner child work and reparenting yourself, you can learn to bring childhood wounds into your consciousness, let go of the enduring emotional pain, increase your self-worth, and learn to experience healthy, fulfilling relationships.

Sol

Monday 13th of February 2023

This was really helpful, thank you. I'm printing it out and creating an action plan for myself.

Arpit

Tuesday 27th of September 2022

Thank you for these different prompts. I didn't know how to start shadow work. This will be a great step. Thank you very much.