[Ad] Co-parenting with a narcissist1 can be a minefield. After a relationship with a narcissist, whether it was physically or emotionally violent, many people have fears about what comes next. Our guide will help you to navigate this difficult time.
This post was developed via a partnership with BetterHelp.
Advice For Co-Parenting With a Narcissist After Domestic Violence
In cases where you’re legally tied to the narcissist, such as in child custody cases, it can feel like you are trapped, with no way to escape the person. That’s why we’ve come up with several ways you can better co-parent with a narcissist after leaving.
Talk To Your Children When They Come Home
There’s nothing more important than making sure your children feel safe and have a positive parenting environment. If you’re unable to keep your children away from the person who abused you, the best thing you can do is make sure any and all interactions that your children have with you are positive, loving, and compassionate.
If your children have visitation rights with their other parent, speak to them when they come home. Ask them the following questions:
- How did you feel when you were with (parent)?
- Did you have a good time?
- Did you feel safe while you were there?
- Is there anything you’ve wanted to tell me about?
- Is there any way I can support you in your relationship with (parent)?
- How do you feel being at home?
Although you don’t want to try to influence your child’s opinion of their other parent, it’s important to make sure they are safe while with them. Narcissists can be violent and unsafe, and children may not bring up these topics without being prompted.
If you believe your ex-partner is physically harming your children in any way, be sure to press charges to see if the court will grant you full custody for a period of time until you can take more secure legal measures.
Always provide the opposite of what your narcissistic ex would provide for your children. Be open, trusting, and kind, and do not pressure your children.
Use the Grey Rock Method
The grey rock method is a common method used against narcissists to limit the chance of abuse or mistreatment. It requires acting as neutral as possible when you are around them to not give them any positive or negative reinforcement.
For example, if they say something abusive over text, ignore the text. If they ask you for something, just respond with “yes,” or “no.” Do not explain yourself.
If they try to engage you and act like they have changed, set a firm boundary with them. Don’t discuss any part of their life with them, and do not give them any information about you.
If you have to discuss family matters, tell them only what they need to know; nothing more, and nothing less. Think of the relationship as purely transactional. If they have to be in your life to co-parent with you, that’s the extent of the relationship you will have.
You can learn more about domestic violence healing methods on BetterHelp’s advice column as well. You can view it here: https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/domestic-violence/.
Consider Your Custody Options
It also may be beneficial to you to consider the custody options you have. If your partner was physically abusive, sexually abusive, or extremely emotionally abusive, you might have rights over full custody of your children.
At the very least, you may be able to make it so that your ex-partner has only supervised visitations with your child.
To apply for a child custody case, you will need to speak to your local court clerk’s office to find out how to submit the paperwork. There may be some filing fees. You will also need to inform your abusive ex-partner of the filing and the court date.
If you can afford it, it will be important to get a top-notch family law attorney to help you in this matter. However, many counties have financial aid programs to help those who need it to get a government-funded attorney.
See a Therapist or Family Therapist
If you think there is a possibility of co-parenting with the narcissist, you can try going to family therapy with them. Or, if you’d rather work on your own trauma from the relationship, you can try seeing a personal therapist.
If you’d prefer to stay under the radar, online therapy can be a great choice. With online therapy, you don’t have to leave home or get dressed, which is a perk if you’re struggling with symptoms of trauma.
Don’t Break the Law
It’s very important that you do not break the law when parallel parenting with a narcissist. Although it may feel tempting to run away with your children so that your ex can’t have access to them, this is very illegal without a court ruling.
If you were to eventually try to get full custody, the court could even rule in your narcissist’s favour.
If you are in true danger, make sure to file for a protection order at your local court and let the police know. There are also domestic violence advocates in many cities, including shelters for women who are fleeing domestic violence.
Document Everything
Finally, make sure you document everything. If your partner has sent you threatening messages, logged into your social media accounts, stalked your house, or caused bruises on your or your children’s bodies, take photos and print them out.
This proof is essential because it can further prove your case if you decide to apply for a restraining order for yourself or your children against your ex.
If you are going to co-parent with your ex, make sure you still document anything abusive, threatening, or violent. If anything escalates in the future, you will be able to prove that it happened.
Conclusion
Coparenting with a narcissist is not easy. However, if you are able to use the grey rock method, keep low contact, and follow the law, you may find that you get into a routine that works for both you and your children.
Always keep an eye on your kids and ask them how they’re feeling, and make sure to take care of your own mental health as well.
Sources
- Miller JD, Back MD, Lynam DR, Wright AGC. Narcissism Today: What We Know and What We Need to Learn. Current Directions in Psychological Science. 2021;30(6):519-525. DOI: 10.1177/09637214211044109.