Family, Parenting, Satire and Topical

New Mum? You’re Basically a Jedi

I lost at Sleep Bingo last night.

And as every good sport knows, one shouldn’t dwell on their losses because it’s the taking part that counts. So, with the release of the new Star Wars film imminent, I thought now would be a good time to reveal some Jedi secrets…

Here are five reasons that being a new parent is basically the same as being enrolled at a Jedi Academy:

1. Transferring a Sleeping Baby: Trial of Skill

This takes time and patience to master. If you are not Force-sensitive, don’t bother even attempting this manoeuvre. Perfect execution of this skill serves as graduation from Apprentice to the status of true Jedi.

2. Opening/Closing the Stairgate: Trial of Courage

On a nightly basis, the jarring gate strikes a special kind of dread into hearts of parents the length and breath of the country .

It requires heroic nerve to defy the fear-induced tremors to lock that shit down in the dark – WITHOUT LOSING YOUR FOOTING ON THE STAIRS. Not for the weak-willed.

3. Avoiding Squeaky Stairs: Trial of Spirit

Successfully closing the staircase is the equivalent of passing a module. But don’t be complacent – you’re far from home and dry: you’ve yet to negotiate the last few squeaky stair treads. Do this, and you may consider yourself a Jedi Master.

4. Extracting Oneself from Sleeping Baby: Trial of Flesh

This challenge is a double-edged sword. To rise through the ranks, you must complete this almost impossible mission. Dead arm; cold feet; crick in your neck? Withstand these physical irritations and – don’t, be fooled – that’s just part completion of this task; you must also seamlessly withdraw any limbs acting as pillows. And with each new incremental movement, you may experience new and heightened discomfort: Cramp? Suck it up. Inhibited ability to breathe?  To gain recognition as Jedi Guardian, feel that torment and keep doing it anyway. Tougher than it sounds, achieving this status earns you great respect in the Jedi Order.

5. Knowing the Exact Moment to Leave – Without Disturbing the Baby: Trial of Insight (or Knowledge)

Naturally, you don’t want to spend your entire night soothing the baby. But neither do you want to rush only for it to result in a false economy of your time: leave too soon, and you run the risk of her stirring. The delicate, almost imperceptible balance of timing is the ultimate Jedi test. Once mastered, you will be rewarded with the honour of becoming Jedi Consular.

Unfortunately, though my husband believes he knows everything there is to know about Jedi, it takes more than simple knowledge. When it comes to making Jedi status, training is everything. And my husband just can’t cut it on the floorboards like I can (this being the particular issue this morning, ahem).

Sorry Darling, you clearly don’t have The Force. If it’s any consolation, our daughter is Force-sensitive, and she’s already honing her skills for induction into the Jedi Order; so you must have done something right.

Our Youngling’s special powers are Force Seeing, Force Sense and Force Vision: even when she is 96% asleep and it’s pitch dark, if I dare open my eyes to begin the painstaking process of creeping back to bed – she ‘sees’ me.

Sometimes she can even feel me thinking about it.

Today I will be channeling my inner Yoda to get through the day on limited sleep. And tonight it’s back to Jedi Academy for hubby. Unless, of course, he accedes defeat…

May The Force be with you. Or, if we’re talking about Sleep Bingo, I wish you 82.

Do you have any Jedi Powers I’ve missed off this list? Please comment below! And remember, the Force is stronger together: follow me on Twitter and Facebook!

22 Comments

  1. J Deegan

    December 16, 2015 at 7:24 pm

    I’ve been thinking this for years. All true. Every word.

    1. Kate

      December 16, 2015 at 7:43 pm

      Hey!

      Glad you agree,I hope you enjoyed the post. 😊

  2. Jaime

    December 16, 2015 at 8:52 pm

    Haha that is absolutley brilliant! I have always failed miserably at Jedi academy, dunce cap and all! After so many attempts I’m In the ‘sod it ill just go to bed at 7pm too’ Camp! Pretty sure this stuff needs some kind of recognition 😉 fantastically funny and oh so true, great work Kate x

    1. Kate

      December 17, 2015 at 12:17 pm

      Thanks Jaime, I’m glad you like the post! Graduation to Jedi Master is no easy feat – I still fail at transferring sometimes! But we may console ourselves that this is because our Younglings are also in training! 😉 x

  3. Emma

    December 17, 2015 at 11:14 am

    The Force is strong in my husband. He can change our sleeping daughter without her waking.

    1. Kate

      December 17, 2015 at 1:28 pm

      Emma, that is very impressive. I can only do this whilst breastfeeding. (Yes, I’m a contortionist in my spare time. If this move is not an actual yoga pose, it definitely should be.)

  4. Josset

    December 18, 2015 at 9:28 pm

    This has made my day!!! motherhood is the hardest job in live but the most rewarding at the end

    1. Kate

      December 19, 2015 at 9:03 am

      I’m glad you enjoyed the post. 😊

      Merry Christmas!

  5. Mrs Tubbs

    December 22, 2015 at 2:51 pm

    So funny! Maybe trial of virtue … Not losing it with all and sundry due to lack of sleep. 🙂

    1. Kate

      December 23, 2015 at 7:56 am

      Haha, yes, that’s an art in itself! 😉

  6. Min

    December 22, 2015 at 3:18 pm

    Ah yes, the dark art of extricating oneself from a sleeping baby. Definitely a challenge! #thelist

    1. Kate

      December 23, 2015 at 7:57 am

      A relatable one for all parents I think!

      Merry Christmas! 🙂

  7. You Baby Me Mummy

    December 31, 2015 at 5:09 pm

    Fantastic post lovely. I think I am a Jedi master by now 🙂 Thanks for linking up to #TheList x

    1. Kate

      December 31, 2015 at 5:35 pm

      Thanks Aby. Jedi, you are! Glad you enjoyed it! X

    1. Kate

      January 4, 2016 at 9:34 am

      Thanks, Ella! Glad you enjoyed it. X

  8. AmyLovestoSew

    January 13, 2016 at 12:28 pm

    I think I undergo a trial of self discipline each evening as I’m rocking, rocking, rocking baby to sleep, only to look down and see eyes wide open and a big, giggly smile. I know night time isn’t supposed to be playtime, but I can’t resist smiling and giggling back…not conducive to good sleep habits. Love your post, really enjoyed reading it.

    1. Kate

      January 16, 2016 at 9:47 am

      Yes, it is difficult to maintain a straight face and no engagement sometimes!

      I’m glad you enjoyed the post. Have a lovely weekend. 😊

  9. Lucinda Leo

    February 1, 2016 at 8:14 pm

    So funny! These days our baby gates are only used to keep the dogs in, but I totally remember the trying-to-do-the-gate-quietly-with-one-hand-in-the-dark days!!

    1. Kate

      February 3, 2016 at 7:15 pm

      Hi Lucinda,

      Glad you enjoyed the post, thanks for commenting! 😊

  10. Bear and Cardigan

    March 7, 2016 at 10:44 am

    Haha! I’ve have just done all these and passed! I am now a true Jedi 🙂
    Bear and Cardigan recently posted…One Wedding and Lots of WaterMy Profile

    1. Kate

      March 7, 2016 at 9:50 pm

      Congratulations! 😉

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