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Why I Don’t Think Your Partner Should Get Up in The Night

It’s sometimes hard to decide which is the biggest pain in the arse: the tear/piles/prolapse (delete as appropriate) sustained whilst pushing another human out of one’s hoo-haa; the continuous toddler meltdowns which thus ensue; or the dreaded sleep-deprivation – in my case caused by colic. Which is another post in itself…

During these early days, we get through however we need to. It’s all well and good proclaiming we’ll never co-sleep or use a dummy, but if it’s a case of stick to your guns or get some zzz’s? Well, put it this way: I appear to be co-sleeping. Groan.

Sleeping Baby on Mother's Chest

How Did That Happen?

It’s the one thing, for the sake of my marriage, I really wanted to avoid. I managed not to do it with Pixie despite her initial refusal to sleep unless she was lying on one of our chests. But this time, though Elfin is incredibly chilled out when she is chilled out, when it comes to the evenings it’s a battle just to get half an hour to put our feet up before it all begins again.

I’m not exaggerating – we literally often don’t get even thirty minutes downtime as husband and wife, with both children sleeping. It’s relentless and exhausting.

I am so knackered. I am also so lucky. But damn – I could use a holiday. And I know that won’t happen for a very long time yet. Sure, we may have a few days away as a family, but let’s be real: that ain’t no holiday for mummy and daddy.

Should your partner get up with the baby in the night? Here's why I don't think so. #babysleeptips #babysleepadvice #parentingtips

So How Are We Coping?

For a start, I don’t expect my husband to get up in the night. Never have, never will. He gets up between 4.30 and 5.30am to go out to work to take care of us. And while he’s doing that, sure, I’m at home taking care of our babies. And yes, I am often on my knees by the time he gets home.

But I need the breadwinner in our family to go out and earn a crust.

Hubby makes more than I do at the moment (I work ‘part-time’, though you wouldn’t think it lols – every spare moment I have [haha] is ploughed into the blog) and we are both self-employed. Our family can’t afford for him to be too tired to do a hard day’s graft. Plus, his job is physical and hazardous – neither can we afford for him to not be on the ball. (Actually, I’d probably be quite well off, but I think I’d prefer to have a husband and a father for my babies than a big payout. Then who would help me at the weekends?!)

Fairness and Balance

And that’s the thing – he does help me at the weekends, and in the afternoons and evenings when he gets home. He does as much as he can; and he’s able to because I don’t expect him to get up through the night.

Since I’m breastfeeding, it’s not like he can do very much to assist anyway. (That said, he will get up for Pixie if she wakes and he hears her or if I’m busy with Elfin.)

Mother Breastfeeding

Should Dad Get Up in the Night?

I’ll gladly confess that in my view, it’s a harsh expectation to hold.

This may be unpopular or unwelcome; that’s fine: as you’ll be aware by now, I don’t shy away from controversial.

For the record, my husband more than pulls his weight around the house. We’re a great team. He’s very supportive. That goes both ways, and I like to think it keeps our marriage strong when we have two little darlings hellbent on destroying our relationship

There is another way in which we’re coping. It’s one I’ve been hesitant about sharing – but I’m gonna do it. Next week.

What are your thoughts? Do you make/let your partner get up during the night to help with the baby, even if they have to get up for work the following morning, and even if you’re breastfeeding?

This post has quickly become my most (un)popular post ever. I’ve really infuriated some people and mostly it’s because I think I’ve been misunderstood. There are several comments both below and on social media which take my views out of context, and so I’ve written a follow-up post explaining how actually, I’m a traditionalist and a feminist – the two are not mutually exclusive.

Morna

Monday 30th of September 2019

I can see this is an old post, but whatever, I agree. While I’m on maternity leave and breastfeeding then I get up at night. What on earth is the point in a person with no breasts trying to settle the baby??? If one of the older kids wakes my husband might deal with them – especially if I’m busy with the baby.

Now I’m no longer breastfeeding and I’m back at work full time and my husband is part time we have a strict rota of whose night is whose. This allows both of us to catch up on sleep on our nights off…. I get more nights off because I work longer hours. It’s nothing to do with gender. It’s about resource management.

Adam

Wednesday 16th of August 2017

Amazing how 'not a mummy shamer' goes on to be a mummy shamer and mentions sexism. Projecting much? Nobody mentioned it being due to issues of sexist identity roles or that this should apply to everyone. It just works for her family.

With our first I was determined to do my part on night feeda, i'd be jumping out of bed, getting the baby, taking him to my wife to be breastfed and then putting him back but we ended up just having the baby next to my wife's side of the bed where he'd be scooped up and put back without my wife even needing to be fully conscious. We even tried expressing into bottle feeds as I really wanted to do night feeds but it just confused the baby. In the end, we both realised there was no point us being both exhausted, I worked full time, my wife part time from home and me getting up didn't achieve anything as my wife had to be up anyway due to having the breasts.

Now my wife works full time and i'm the stay at home parent, it's me that gets up in the night to sort out anty problems, it's me that often settles them down when my wife comes home exhausted.

Don't jump to conclusions or get on your high horse, it's just what works for different people and nobody is forcing you to do the same.

Kate Tunstall

Saturday 26th of August 2017

Yes! This, 100%! I absolutely agree it should work both ways if you swap roles.

Jo - Pickle & Poppet

Saturday 12th of August 2017

I get it! When I was on maternity leave I wouldn’t expect my husband to get up in the night, he had work to do the next day. If I was lucky I would be able to catch a quick nap if I needed to. Now I’m back at work and we both leave at the same time to go to work I do expect him to help out if he hears. To be honest I sleep much lighter than him so hear sooner but if late he has been dealing with our three year old if he wakes up in the night which has been a god send.

I think you just have to do what works for you as a family and as parents.

Adam

Thursday 17th of August 2017

exactly. It used to be like this in our house. Now roles have changed and I am at home so i'm the one getting up (most of the time) and doing much housework during the day. It's what works for both partners involved and as long as it's mutually agreed upon, it's nobody else's business to tell them they're wrong. Neither is it sexist if it's what everyone involved is happy with. Neither is anyone saying everyone has to do it like this.

Kate Tunstall

Monday 14th of August 2017

Exactly! If I was going out to work then of course my expectations would be different. As it is, I live for the weekends when I know I'm due a break! ;)

Irena

Monday 7th of August 2017

I felt I have to say that I agree with everything you said and then some. In my case I was breastfeeding twins and from the third night I moved the three of us to the babies’ room to make matters easier. I was on maternity leave for two years so I consider myself to be extremely lucky. I saw no reason for my husband to wake up in the night when he would have to be at work early in the morning. Besides, I would be the one to deal with his sleep deprivation grumpiness during the day as not everyone can handle it with the same amount of grace. Whereas some of our friends saw this as being unfair I would not change it for the world. Those quiet one on one moments with each baby for the first two years when I was breastfeeding exclusively were really precious and they are wonderful memories for me. Even when I returned to work full time, I still chose to be the one to get up for their every need for another year. When they were three I moved back to my own bedroom and the children never got up during the night but I feel it is because they had had enough of what they needed and were ready to sleep through the night. If my husband had been forced to wake up he would have tried to rush things and I would have missed out on so much. I can see how some people may not agree and I can respect that but it is different for every family and there is always a method that fits the specific circumstances as well as personalities in a family so there is no golden rule there. In my mind, the most important thing is to enjoy our children as much as we can and manage to stay sane through the adjustment period of the first years.

Kate Tunstall

Monday 7th of August 2017

Thanks so much for sharing your experience.

I couldn't agree more - enjoying our young families is what's most important!

Kate Tunstall

Saturday 5th of August 2017

Thank you Nicola, you're right. If roles were reversed then yes - I'd expect him to be getting up in the night. Although I don't think that set up is very feasible if mum is breastfeeding - thank God for mat leave! It must be incredibly hard for those superheroes who somehow manage it.