I Love My Husband But I’m Not Sexually Attracted to Him is a guest post written by a brave woman sharing her story about her marriage.
I Love My Husband But I’m Not Sexually Attracted to Him
I was recently approached by a friend about the possibility of publishing an anonymous guest post on my blog; she didn’t tell me the subject.
Despite very rarely accepting guest posts and because it’s somebody I admire and know to be a good writer, I agreed without hesitation.
The title of the article alone was heartbreaking: I’m not attracted to my husband and never have been.
When she sent me the finished piece, it was with a warning that I may never look at her the same way.
I was curious and a little concerned just in case she was right – though I doubted it.
When You’re Not Attracted to Husband / Partner…
As I suspected, her story is a very sad one – but certainly not a reason to judge her harshly.
Quite the opposite in fact: it takes bravery to acknowledge this truth and to share it, to speak candidly about such a taboo and difficult topic.
But I had a feeling at the time of publishing that this post would receive lots of comments showing support, and lots more anonymous ones empathising with the sad reality of not being attracted to one’s husband or partner.
I moderate your comments. Anything constructive or supportive is always published. Any comments I deem to be otherwise will be deleted. This is not a platform for criticism – it’s a positive space for sharing and connecting and I will monitor and censor accordingly.
The more I read, the more devastating the situation appeared.
And what’s worse is the many comments that have since been left on this post from both men and women experiencing similar; the details vary, but the theme remains constant:
I’m not attracted to my boyfriend / not attracted to husband / why am I not sexually interested in my husband, etc.
See our Google web story for this post here.
Over to my guest…
Is Marrying Your Best Friend Enough?
Now, I know what you’re thinking. Most married people would probably call their partner their best friend. It’s natural isn’t it, to be best friends with the person you marry?
But, for me, it’s different and for you to really understand where I’m coming from I have to go back a few years to the very beginning.
It wasn’t something I even thought to report – I felt like it was my fault for getting drunk.
When I was a teenager I had a couple of serious relationships very early on. I don’t think I was in love but I really liked them, they treated me well and I was happy.
But then, one evening I went out after work for a drink with a colleague.
I was in a long-term relationship with a boyfriend, I was seventeen and just going for a drink. It wasn’t a date night – I honestly thought at that point that a girl and a boy could go for a platonic drink.
But one drink turned into two and before I knew it I’d been followed into the toilets and what happened after that wasn’t anything I consented to.
I was so drunk and just didn’t say no, I don’t think I could say no. I didn’t say yes either but, the best part of twenty years ago things weren’t like they are today.
I ended up meeting someone who would change my life.
It wasn’t something I even thought to report – I felt like it was my fault for getting drunk. I had brought it on myself.
I somehow got home, went to bed and got on with my life. My colleague never came back to work and I never saw him again.
Soon after my boyfriend moved away to university, we split up and I was in a pretty dark place.
In the months and years that followed I no longer cared about myself. Before that I had only ever had a physical relationship with people I really cared about and had taken time to get to know.
After that I didn’t see what the point was anymore and ended up in a downward spiral of drink, drugs and random sexual encounters. I was a mess, I was broken inside and I needed help.
But, instead of help I ended up meeting someone who would change my life.
A good man who wouldn’t use me, who treated me right and who loved me from the start. He was what I needed and over the next few years the broken mess inside me healed.
We bought a house, got married and had children. Now, we are living the happy ever after.
The problem now, over fifteen years after we met is that I’ve never been turned on by him and when we’re intimate I find myself thinking about other things.
Why Am I Not Attracted to My Husband?
Except in my head I’m not as happy as I should be. He is my best friend, I love him and loved him for saving me from my journey of self destruction.
I love my husband, but I’m not sexually attracted to him. I was never attracted to my husband physically – and I feel so shallow for writing that.
I was with him because he was good for me, he was what I needed and he wanted to be with me. I had never really stopped to think about it any further than that.
The problem now, after years of marriage, is that I’ve never been turned on by him and when we’re intimate I find myself thinking about other things, trying to get my head into the place where it should be and not being entirely present.
Only now is that lack of initial attraction beginning to seem like a bigger problem.
I know he wants more than that – he gets more than that – it’s just me that feels like there’s something missing.
I Am Not Attracted to My Husband
It’s nice, it’s fine, it works but there have never been fireworks and that ‘I want to rip your clothes off as soon as we get home’ feeling – I love my husband but there’s a lack of attraction sexually.
It’s always just been fine – but no matter where we’ve been, what we’ve done or how we’ve done it, I have never felt completely satisfied in our sexual relationship. Something just isn’t there for me.
But, our life is great. He’s a good person and a fantastic Dad, we’re an amazing family and have a good life together – and we’re happy. And that’s the important thing. Isn’t it?
Why Am I Not Sexually Interested in My Husband?
We have it all really and so I have tried to silence the little voice in my head. I know I can’t break up a family purely because I don’t want to sleep with with my husband and so my sex life isn’t great.
And actually I could quite happily have a platonic relationship forever – cuddles in front of the TV and our clearly defined sides of the bed.
But I know he wants more than that – he gets more than that – it’s just me that feels like there’s something missing in terms of sexual desire. And I don’t know what to do about it.
I’m Still Just Not Attracted to My Husband
He’s been my best friend for a very long time, and I love him like one. I can’t think of a better father for my children or anyone else I’d rather have by my side in life.
He makes me laugh, he works hard and he’s always there for me and our young children.
He’s just somebody I’m not attracted to; husband or not, I can’t force sexual chemistry. Especially when it’s not even just my partner’s physical appearance – we’re just not compatible in that sense.
I know that in the scheme of things my issues aren’t that big at all. Some people spend their whole lives waiting to meet someone like the man in my life and would give anything for what I have.
But, when it always feels like there’s something missing, when it’s not even a loss of attraction but that it was never there in the first place – what do you do?
Is marrying your best friend and having that emotional connection really enough, or should there be more? What is it that makes somebody the right person – or the wrong one?
If you are a married couple affected by similar issues of sexual intimacy, you may benefit from speaking with a relationship expert or family therapist.
Could you have written this article? Do you find yourself thinking ‘I don’t fancy my husband’ or ‘I don’t want sex with my husband’ – or is it an entirely alien concept? Going by its popularity, it seems that this situation is far more common than we might guess.
I imagine if you’ve found this post through searching, then you’ll relate and understand how devastating it is to feel you have never been attracted to your husband / wife / long-term partner.
If there’s any positive take away, the best thing is the support network you’ll find in the comments which I hope will provide some comfort.
Questions to Ask Yourself If You’re Not Sexually Attracted to Your Husband or Wife
If you find yourself in a similar position but want to make your relationship work, try asking yourself these questions to see if they help bring you clarity:
- Can I enjoy a fulfilling relationship in a sexless marriage?
- How much importance do I place on great sex in a relationship?
- Do we enjoy physical connection in a non-sexual context, or is there a general lack of affection on a physical level?
- Is a health problem such as erectile dysfunction or other health issues influencing physical intimacy?
- Do I otherwise have positive feelings towards my partner?
- Do we otherwise spend quality time together, or do we lead largely separate lives?
- Do we have conversation at the dinner table?
- Do we have common or different interests, and do we make efforts to share these with each other?
- How would I feel about an open relationship? (May be hypothetical, but see what emotions this idea brings up, ie. any jealousy at the idea of your partner being intimate with different people.)
- As time passes, do I consider my partner’s quirks irritating bad habits?
- What would a better marriage look like for me?
- Are there any practical steps we could take that would help make this a reality?
- Would we better as good friends?
- How would I feel about the idea of being a single person at this stage in my life?
Suggestions to Increase Relationship Satisfaction
We all have different needs and there are multiple ‘love languages’, and a variety of ways to enjoy a successful relationship.
And the good news is that actually, we’re all fundamentally reduced to hormones and chemicals – which we are able to influence thorugh our behaviours.
If this post resonates with you, a few (trite, but potentially helpful) things you might consider include:
1. Signing up to a thrilling new hobby
- Sharing an exciting new activity together has been shown to increase marital satisfaction.
2. Looking through old photographs from your wedding day
- Reminiscing about positive memories has also been shown by a recent study to increase relationship satisfaction.
3. Exercising with your partner
- Working out together has multiple benefits, including increased:
- Attraction to your workout buddy, irrespective of your partner’s physical attraction (it’s likely hormone related).
- Emotional connection.
- Sexual arousal.
- Relationship quality.
By taking inspiration from this list and implementing just a few small changes, perhaps you’ll find that you begin to feel differently, which in many cases would be the best solution.
If you’re still struggling, please consider contacting a couples therapist or sex therapist for professional support.
Are you in love with your partner but missing that sexual attraction? I’d love to hear from you in the comments, and – of course – you’re welcome to share anonymously.
I moderate your comments. Anything constructive or supportive is always published. Any comments I deem to be otherwise will be deleted. This is not a platform for criticism – it’s a positive space for sharing and connecting and I will monitor and censor accordingly.
Wow. What a difficult situation to be in. I hope your friend gets her head sorted. There are all sorts of marriages, there isn’t one right type, and they can change over the years too. There is one thing I would say however. No marriage is perfect. Never. You just have to understand and accept that, and if you can’t, the marriage probably isn’t right.
That’s so true – mine certainly isn’t! But it’s worth it, 100%. My husband drives me crazy, and likewise I do him. But we’re also best friends and a fantastic team (most of the time!) – and will remain so to the end of time. Hopefully!
I appreciate you writing this article and would like to share my story in hopes someone would have some advice for me. I started dating someone when I was 14 years old. We had a common bond in that our parents were both divorcing so it was great to support each other in such a hurtful time in our lives. The first 2 years were great then he started drinking and from there became abusive mentally and physically. I stayed in the relationship due to fear as he threatened to kill me if I left and I believed him after he put a gun to my head. One minute he loved me the next he hated me, and I shared everything I was going through with no one. I was in this alone. One evening he was threatening to call my Mom and say horrible things about her, I heard the phone ring, I got out of bed walked into my Moms room and told her not to answer it, that it was Fred and I didn’t want anything to do with him again. By the grace of God I was able to leave this relationship after 5 years. We went and got a restraining order against him the next day. He tried begging me back, his family tried begging me back and I said “It’s over!”. I was introduced to my husband by a client of his and a client of mine. He is 7 years older than me and had been married twice with 2 children from the first marriage and I found out later his second wife was pregnant. I was impressed that he still desired to be married and didn’t label me to be like all the rest. I was happy to be with someone he wasn’t abusive. I remember thinking I wasn’t attracted to him but it was so desirable to me, to be married and have children so that’s what I did. Our children kept us busy and we didn’t focus on our martial problems. Fast forward 29 years later our children together are now 27,25 and 22. The oldest is married and all are living on their own supporting themselves. Now our relationship is the focus and we are going to counseling. I have shared with our therapist that I’m not attracted to him and never have been, I feel horrible saying that and I would never want him to know that as I know how hurtful that would be. There are things he is working on that could help this issue but I just don’t know. I would never leave him but it would be nice to be attracted to the man I’m married to.
I am the husband in a similar situation. My wife told me she never was in love with me or attracted to me. I would guess she would describe me as many women on here have described their mate. A good guy. A great father etc. Decent looking, fit. But apparent I never made her feel giddy or effervescent. She became completely uninterested in sex pretty quickly after we married (10 years now). Recently I found out she had 6 affairs. They were a mixed bag. Some one night stands. Some with people she knew slightly better. She went to a woman’s workshop and found out she is a sex addict. Basically she’s addicted to the feeling a new relationship gives her. It’s all about the chemicals. I could move on and build a better relationship with her if it was just about adultery. But I find the combination of adultery, years of withholding sexually, and the fact that she said she never loved me or was attracted to me to be a bit too much. She IS trying to put in work but it seems so pointless as many of these posts on here can attest.
As I glance through these posts it becomes apparent that a pattern exists. I almost inevitably come across references to past sexual relationships that occurred out of wedlock. Even some heinous personal examples of sexual assault. My wife has a similar history. Multiple partners and sexual assault. I believe the problems addressed in this blog could probably be traced back to sexual immorality. I’m not exempt. I’ve had partners outside marriage. But I can’t help but believe that if sex was confined to marriage many people would not be dealing with this issue. By the way, one reason I’ve stayed is we have three young kids.
Hi Patrick,
I feel compelled to respond here.
Firstly, I’m sorry you find yourself in this difficult situation.
And now I want to address your comments regarding sexual immorality.
This blog is not religious. I do not believe in sexual immorality, except for abuse, which is vile, despicable, almost always at the hands of men, and never EVER the victim’s responsibility.
It is sadly true that such depraved behaviour often leaves deep trauma, which may lead to promiscuity. This remains a difficult hangover of the experienced trauma and does not in any way negatively reflect on the victim.
Sometimes promiscuity may be present without abuse. Providing it does not hurt others it’s still not a reason for judgement. It’s 2021 and women are entitled to enjoy their bodies every bit as much as men are. It does not mean they will go on to have bad marriages.
When these situations arise it is devastating for both parties. It is never a choice the woman has made; usually she desperately wishes things could be different, better – for herself and for her husband. In many cases the women who write here are distraught at the idea of destroying a relationship they value, in spite of the missing chemistry.
I cannot allow your comment to go unchallenged. I accept that you are in a dreadful, heartbreaking situation but it is not okay to suggest that women’s promiscuity/sex outside of wedlock is responsible.
These concepts are very, very normal in this day and age, and thankfully the topic discussed in this post and thread are relatively unusual. The two things are not connected, except perhaps, if women have been left nurturing deep trauma or sorrow for which they are not responsible yet continue to be affected by. Probably not the case for every woman who has commented here, but if it is then we surely need to be looking at who is to blame. It’s not the women.
I also feel compelled to comment on this as a woman. I’m sorry but I think what Patrick is saying is true… I say this as a woman who grew up with “sexual liberation”. I don’t come from a religious family. I was taught that all that matters about sex is consent (no mention of the sacred emotional and spiritual bond). I’ve been burned so badly by our culture that teaches that casual sex is fine and all that matters is consent. You don’t speak for all women (just like I don’t either). Personally, I wish someone had sat me down at 14 and told me how sacred sex is, and how much I’d be hurt by having sex with men who had given me no real commitment (and marriage is the only real, lasting commitment). In 2021, people have lots of different views and beliefs. We don’t all think exactly the same as you.
Allison,
There is merit in your comment (which is the only reason I’ve approved it), however I do not appreciate being spoken to in that way, especially when I’m defending abused women.
You do not know my history or how I think about sex. My point is only that women choosing to be promiscuous is not in/by itself responsible for the situations described in this thread. They may be relevant, and I actually agree that meaningful relationships are far better situations for sex to take place, but just because that is true for you and I does not mean it is the case for all women.
And I will never leave a misogynistic comment to go unchallenged on my blog, especially not when it has overtones of victim-blaming of abuse. If you don’t like my opinions then feel free to start your own blog.
While I appreciate the healthy discussion, I want to point out another hypocrisy. In a side sentence, you mention that you’ve had affairs as well. Did you experience physical trauma which made you do this? How in the world can you judge your wife, when you’re doing the same thing? I’d think your situation would get a lot better if you would reflect yourself and stop pretending your wife is the problem.
Just came here to say that I really appreciate your response Kate.
Thanks so much, I appreciate your support!
I’ll tell what I think is impressive, that both of you can have very different opinions, challenge them, and still have respect for each other and leave this civil debate up for others to benefit from. Well done!
Hey Tom,
If you were to nose around my website/social media pages you’d notice exactly that is a huge priority for me, it’s something I’ve even written about in the past. I welcome healthy debate and I’m open to having my mind changed. I approve all comments that remain respectful, but I also feel a responsibility to challenge ideas or opinions I consider to be harmful.
Thanks for commenting.
Kate- just came here to say that I LOVE your reply.
And, that the little heart and ‘what’s next’ thing cover half the screen.
Thanks so much for the support.
Thanks, appreciate the heads up!
I think your right about that. I was never the same after someone close to me took advantage of me. I’ve been broken ever since. I think some people think they have the mental and spiritual. capacity to sleep with whoever they want, but it just doesn’t seem to work out.
I’m so terribly sorry to hear that you’re going through this and I applaud your rationality.
You mentioned having 3 kids. The best thing to teach them that it is often the people whom we admire, love, and look to
Impress that are the ones we let take advantage of us. Telll them to guard their hearts and if someone has done something to them to report it. It is so incredibly hard to think clearly when it has, the victim always feels guilty. But eventually it surfaces. We have to stop this cycle of not being true to ourselves. It’s born out of these situations.
My family was a real mess and so I was very drawn to my now husband because he could take care of me. He could be a reliable, trustworthy, hard working successful partner and dad. I also had never been successful with boys, despite being cute and bubbly, I was just too scared of intimacy and had low self esteem. So my husband was my first real boyfriend! We were both virgins when we got married, both from strict religious families. As soon as we got married, I lost any desire for him. Well even before we got married, I was not feeling the heat I now have felt with other men. Right away, I just didn’t get aroused by him during sex, his touch did not feel good. I had to go to a fantasy world in order to even enjoy it, he’s never satisfied me. 15 years later….it’s becoming quite a problem. I’m desiring other men badly and my vibrator is my best friend. I feel so awful bc he is a great person and father and he would be crushed to know this. Sometimes I think I should let him go find a woman who is excited to be with him, he so deserves that. But I can’t put my kids through divorce and I also don’t want to end up all alone. This has been so hard to realize and come to terms with. What really made me awaken to this is having a mutual crush situation happen with such intense lust I could not see straight. It has been 2 years and is making it even harder to be with my husband. I have no eagerness. I avoid being around him. This is so sad. Thanks for your article.
@Lulu, I’m in the same situation, I get it.
But I continue on…being grateful that I have kept our family together, and I am blessed with 2 beautiful granddaughters 💖
@Lulu, I am in exactly the same situation, married to a great guy whose generous, caring and s great dad. I lost attraction for him before we got married but I didn’t have the balls to break off the engagement at the time for fear of what everyone would think of me. We have been married 7 years now and my mental health has certainly suffered a lot during this time because I crave to be intimate with someone/ anyone else. We have a four year old son and he is the only reason why I am still in this marriage – well that and I’m sorry to say also for financial reasons – I can’t afford to be a single mum on my meagre salary.
I do now have a crush on a work colleague, which is reciprocated and it’s making things very difficult in my marriage… I fantasize about being with him all the time, and the thought of having sex with my husband makes my skin crawl.
I have had to think of other things or watch porn for the past 8 years just to be able to have sex with my husband once or twice a month.
I’ve told him how I’ve been feeling, that I don’t find him attractive any longer (and haven’t done so for a few years) which is obviously heartbreaking for him. I told him he deserves better and that he should move on or engage in a sexual relationship outside of our marriage but he said he doesn’t want anyone else but me. He did go on three ‘hook up’ dates he found on Tinder but every single date told him they also weren’t attracted to him in person and they friend zoned him.
The trouble is we are both suffering with poor mental health over this issue – I feel I can’t force myself to have sex with him any longer, and the craving to be with someone who I am actually attracted to, but can’t be with, is really getting me down. However when I have raised splitting up with my husband his immediate Response was to attempt suicide… He’s now on antidepressants and sleeping pills over the thought that I am considering ending our marriage.
I feel like I am stuck, and am destined to feel miserable forever… Sorry bit of a rant there! How do you do it, do you feel happy / unhappy or like you are missing out on life? I feel like I am sacrificing my own happiness for his… Which also makes me a little resentful. It’s a complicated one alright!
Trust me, sexual assault and abuse has a MASSIVE impact on relationships.
You put your trust in someone, they abuse you.
You give your body to someone you don’t know, you’re choosing that experience.
So when it comes to willingly giving your body to someone who you have a loving and trusting relationship with, it’s like a switch flicks in your head and you shut down mentally, physically and emotionally.
You don’t WANT that person you trust to touch you, as it reminds you of the abuse. You want to keep it chaste and innocent, in a good place, because you value it.
What isn’t valued is all of the other cheap encounters we try strangers to meet physical needs.
Please trust me when I say, if she’s getting help and trying, support her.
It’s a long, windy and steep road.
Nobody should have to suffer the pain of infidelity. But nobody should have to suffer the pain of abuse either.
I wish you both the best of luck and hope you can move forward together.
Kindest regards
An immoral, promiscuous, damaged cheater who will never be able to have a normal relationship.
@V,
OMG. Your life sounds identical to mine. I’m slightly—no I AM losing my mind going through this…especially the skin crawling. My husband wants to have sex all the time and I try…I really do. He talks about it all the time and I think that’s his way of trying to get me in the mood. But the problem is that I’ve met someone who I work with. We have CRAZY chemistry and the guy knows I’m in this unbelievable situation…and I’m married. My husband found out about him after I just broke down about how unhappy I was. Now my husband keeps asking what does he NOT have that this other guy has. I can’t find it in my heart to say EVERYTHING because he’s such a wonderful man…but I’m just not attracted to him. Not even in the slightest…I don’t know what or when it happened—but I literally feel nothing when he tries to set the mood. I find myself having to think about this other guy to get myself there, and I feel so horrible! Just awful…and I’ve tried telling him to just experience sex with someone else while I’m away for work but he struggled with just accepting that I gave him the permission to do so. That’s because I know I’m not going to give him that affection any time soon. I just don’t have it in me. 😫 and I’m like 99% sure he’s suffering from depression and he’s had suicidal thoughts before…I can’t bring myself to do anything that will “slightly” make me happy…plus we have a 3 yr old son…
@Patrick, hey I’m a Christian myself and have seen the impact of what our faith would consider sexual immorality. I’ve had multiple partners, had sex with my now husband in the beginning of our relationship we abstained for 2 years leading to our marriage, but even in our dating I was discontent and wanting to run away. I too feel like I’m addicted to the rush of the beginning stages. I find myself trying not to flirt with a coworker, and obsessing over our interactions. I’m sure in the beginning of dating my now husband it felt the same way. I’m terrified of ever having an affair, I work in ministry and desperately believe in living out my beliefs! I’m honest with my husband about all of my feelings because I don’t want them growing in the dark in isolation. He loves me so much and wants so badly for me to get through this, my fear is that I’ve continued to try all for naught. And it’s a pattern that appears any time I meet someone new and interesting, or am triggered by my husbands status or appearance (shallow I know) anyway from your perspective -because he’ll never tell me he wants to let go- what should I do as a wife? Should I fight this seemingly never ending fight against temptation and declining mental health, for the sake of my marriage. Should I run before I do something immoral and regrettable? We’re young by the way, no children, newly married. I’d like to make this decision before more factors complicate it all the more.
@V, I know this post is from last year 2 months ago but I’m in the same position as you in the sense that I don’t feel attracted to my husband for a lot of years bow. We have been together since I was 19 and him 22. I got pregnant after 3 months of only hooking up. We decided to give it a try for the baby fast foward 11 years and 3 kids later we are still together. Never felt sexualky attracted to him and never enjoyed sex. It was all an act on my part. And the truth is he has a small friend. I know that size doesn’t matter because there a lot of people that enjoy just fine but my problem comes since I started to be sexually active, I only had 3 sex partners and never had an orgasm with non of them. I know what an orgasm feels like because I have explore on my own. My now husband of 2 years( 11 together and married for 2) never has make me orgasm, he does anything to me but I don’t feel much. We can’t do any sex positions because it’s to small, I’m bored off the 3 position we have done for 11 years. Missionary, doggy and the cowgirl. Like you V, I had a great love that couldn’t be, and then I met my husband and our story began, but the thing is I’ve never been able to forget that love and still wish I can be with him, every time I tried to leave my husband I imagined my self running to his arms, every time I dream about him I leave my husband for him in a heart beat, it happens that we talked in December on Facebook and make my heart flutter. Then I proceeded to try to separate because life is too short but it was very hard and complicated. I ended up staying because of the kids and because I didn’t want to struggle, he was going to take everything away from me so it was going to be a very hard battle. I’m not scared but I am not prepared either. I don’t have family close and could go anywhere. We live with his mom so he pretty much had life resolved. We bought a sex toy that I use and it has the only way I’ve come. But I need more. I want to be with someone else. I want to do other positions but it’s impossible for him. I have a decent body after having 3 kids and like to take care of it because I’m still young. I’m 31. And he has let himself go and that’s another problem. His body makes his friend look more unattractive. I’m just battleling with a lot of thoughts, he knows about his friend because I told him I wasn’t been satisfied and he ended up telling me that he knows about his size and told me if I still wanted we could make it work and that’s when we got the clip stimulator for me. But then again, I want more, I been sexually frustrated for 11 years now y want to explore more and he fiscally can help me. Not sure what to do, maybe try swinging or something. I don’t want to waist my youth like this anymore but I also don’t want to be selfish and brake my kids family just because I’m horny for the world. Like you all said, he is a good guy. Friend and dad, he workshard, he is a good provider, but that is all, he is jot a good lover, unless for me. He could be a good lover to someone else Maybe, there are girls more sensitive than others, during sex and I’m not one of them, or probably don’t feel the excitement with him I try to think about him as attractive but I can’t do it anymore. I feel like life is just passing by.
THIS:
“ So when it comes to willingly giving your body to someone who you have a loving and trusting relationship with, it’s like a switch flicks in your head and you shut down mentally, physically and emotionally.
You don’t WANT that person you trust to touch you. as it reminds you of the abuse. You want to keep it chaste and innocent, in a good place, because you value it.“
Your post was like a lightbulb going off in my head. For decades I’ve been in the dark until reading your post. That paragraph helped me realize that an unwanted childhood encounter is at the crux of my lifelong sexuality and intimacy issues, probably along with eating, self-esteem and other issues. The journey I‘ll now have to undergo is an unpleasant one but a necessary one if I want to finally heal. I hope others find similar insight from your post. Thank you so very much for witting.
@V, i guess i am not the only one feeling like this😢
@Lulu,
I’m experiencing the same thing starting in winter of last year. Thank you for sharing. Reading all of this has me feeling less alone. Because of my negative family history (generational trauma, physical and emotional abuse) and relationship history (same); I was drawn to my husband. We both grew up religious, but my family were the dangerous narcissist and his family seemed like the “American Dream”. I thought he was cute, but I didn’t exactly want to rip his clothes off. I chose him because I knew I would be safe and he would be an amazing father. He’s been both of those things.
Even before our wedding something felt off. I knew I wasn’t attracted to him and it all felt off. I was 20 years old. I’ve spent the past 13 years trying to lust for him, but the fuel always comes from somewhere else. Other crushes. Started with celebrities, but still being young and attractive quickly graduated to irl mutual crushes.
I’ve never physically crossed the line, but the most recent emotional affair was fueled by me being my most depressed. I started to really process the traumas that happen to me, and it felt so good to have someone I had so much sexual chemistry with understand and relate to my struggle. Yet, our relationship came to a screeching halt when his wife found a picture of me on his phone (not a nude. a selfie), and called my husband.
This loss, which was a struggle for both of us, has made me face my demons. I’m at crossroads. My religious beliefs feel like patriarchy oppression. Yet, I’m terrified once I’m “healed”, and if I stay, I will be resigning myself to a life missing the spice of life. Like so many other women before me. This certainly feels like a culture shift is happening now that women have more choices. Do I break up my family? The risk: my daughter suffers, my husband spirals into a depression of “not being enough”, I lose my community, I’m lonelier than I was before and poor. The reward: I get promoted to my dream job, live an authentic life, have lovers like a French woman, enjoy freedom, and teach my daughter that not everyone needs the picket fence to be happy and she has a wide array of lifestyle choices as a woman.
I felt stuck and like I don’t have choices. Yet, the reality it i do have a choice. I’m just terrified of making the wrong decision.
@V, This is so me. I am glad I am not alone with these feelings
@Kaliyah, I’m in an IDENTICAL situation except I’m just a server
@Lulu, your words really touch me. I am in the same situation. I have been with my husband for nine years, the first six we were dating. But I have wanted to leave for the last six years. He is a great guy overall, of course some flaws but we all have them. I stayed with him because my family and friends convinced me 5 years ago and I have a good life and a wonderful 3 year old son but the lack of attraction is eating me alive. We haven’t had sex in nearly 9 months and suggestions to just “spice it up” make me angry and more repelled. I was sexually assaulted when I was 18 and had a host of dysfunctional relationships in my late teens and early 20s and think it had a very damaging effect on me. But I feel strong attraction for certain other men—it’s awful
@Christine H,
I know it’s been a while, but I feel the exact same way. Not being attracted to my husband the way I should be is killing me.
I thought I could live without that sort of lust-filled, fireworks connection. I really did. But I’m 32 now, and after six years together, I just don’t know if I can live the rest of my life like this.
I know that otherwise, I hit the jackpot with my husband. He’s the sweetest, funniest guy I know and I’m attracted to him in some ways, just not in the sexual way I crave. Plus, the economy is terrible right now and I don’t know how the hell I can get by on my own anymore.
Most of all, I’m terrified that whatever I choose, it’ll be wrong and I’ll regret it down the line.
You don’t know how helpful this article is to me. Thanks so much Kate!
I’m so glad, Susan. All the best.
Yes! For 13 years I thought something was wrong with me. Why didn’t I want to be sexually active with my husband, who’s supportive, a great father, an involved Dad, etc. No he’s not perfect but he’s pretty dang close. It wasn’t until at a party I was speaking with another man, that an alarm went off. There it was, something I hadn’t felt in over 13 years. I thought I had been broken. I loved sex before my husband but I always thought I’d lost that side of me, maybe because of the every day challenges of adulthood and parenthood. I wasn’t sure to be honest. It never clicked with me until that night. I’ve read and researched until I’m blue. Even told my husband how I felt after soul searching. What I’ve found is people can have sexual chemistry and people can have compatibility. Some are lucky and have both. Those with only sexually chemistry usually, not always, don’t last long or have a ton of issues. Because the sexual chemistry doesn’t last long-term or years down the road it may not be enough because eventually you want someone you are compatible with. I’ve had a hard time coming to terms with what was beneath the surface all the years. Never had a clue, heartbreaking for myself and especially my husband. We are trying our best to make things better. We’ve had a lot of talks about turn ons/offs, etc. I honestly don’t know if that chemistry never existed if it can be created. Most articles say no. But I’ll be naive for now since I honestly had no idea what that empty feeling was for so many years. I’m trying my hardest to make something spark/connect. He deserves the best of me, as he has given the best of himself to me all these years.
Gosh, how heartbreaking, but I’m sure this will ring true for many people. And how wonderful that you have a strong enough relationship – in spite of any issues – that you’ve been able to discuss it with him.
I wish you both the best.
I married my husband late in life. Felt no attraction for him now or then. I pay all the bills. He doesn’t even help clean house. Never had sex. Can’t even get out of chair due to recent injury.. he is kind but does nothing. Has helped me through surgeries etc. I am so unhappy. We have nothing in common have been in hospital with depression twice in one year. Feel alone and stuck. Want to die most of time. Married late no children
This comment is exactly what I am experiencing, down to the honesty towards my partner. We are not married nor have children but he is magnificent in almost all ways. Except that I’m not nor have been sexually attracted to him. I related to this comment the most as I just felt I lost my sexuality, but that’s untrue I am an incredibly sexual person and unfortunately have on a few occasions been reminded by other males in my life that I still am. Only thoughts thus far not actively cheating. I love my partner he is good and kind and my best friend, like the main article I’ve lived with promiscuity and past sexual violation. I pray we figure this out, I’m genuinely scared that leaving him I will never be happy, however if I stay I may resent that decision. Best of luck
Hi Bell,
Sorry to hear you’re experiencing this issue. Have you read this post about sexual anorexia? I recommend taking a look as it may be relevant to you: https://www.refinedprose.com/sexual-anorexia/
Best wishes,
Kate
Sadly, this story is what I have also been experiencing. We have 5 children and I am just at a loss. Break up a family because I can’t “feel” the way I should for my husband…??
I think back to when we were 1st married. My brain was in, “start a family and have kids,” mode! I was a mom for years and my mind preoccupied. After the kids were older, I realized that I just felt alone; missing something.
Someone else came along and I had an affair. Of course it created a year of hell for all of us and it was very wrong. I felt new things I had never experienced before and the intimacy was great. Things I have never felt with my husband.
I have always wanted to be excited when he walked through the door! To come up, give him a kiss and look forward to cuddling on the couch or planning our next date night. I’m not, and am left just wondering where to turn and what to do. I just can’t help but think, “will I ever be able to feel those things again….?” He tries so hard and is a good father and person.
It feels so selfish of me. Can’t I just please my husband? I can’t force myself. It just doesn’t work, but it has created a lot of arguments and threats of divorce. I just fear our family /relationship is a ticking time bomb. It’s scary and I wish it wasn’t this way. ?
@Anonymous, Sounds like my story. I wish I had answers also .
I am the husband in this situation and have no idea what to do. I want my wife to be as sexually engaged and excited about me as I am about her and don’t want her to live a life where she doesn’t have that. I can tell she thinks about other things while we are together and Injust wished it was me that made her excited. I am in better shape than when we were married and actually take better care of myself now. The types of men that make my wife feel sexually excited are types that are unattractive to her in all other ways. She wants to see me in a sexual way so badly, but after 14 years she feel it may not ever come. She was sexually abused and knows this is probably related. We make love frequently and she always climaxes, but it seems more like means to an end than true sexual connection. My sex life before marriage was mild because I wanted to save all my best, exciting love making for my wife, but she doesn’t get as excited with me. We are in counseling, but a lot of others issues take precedence over this.
I know it’s been a few years since you posted this, but I just thought I would respond. My husband and I have been together 15 yrs now. I am just like your wife in the history with sexual assaults, and your just like my husband where he wants me to be as sexually excited about him as he is about me. I just wanted to let you know if she is like me, she loves you with all her heart and there’s no other person in the whole world she would share her life with. The feeling of not being sexually attracted has nothing to do with your physical appearance. I was once told men are physical beings and women are emotional beings, and it’s so true. I wish I had an answer of how she could show the same excitement towards you, but I’m barely coming across this blog and figuring it out for myself. I wish you both the best and hope you can take comfort in accepting marriage is not perfection but acceptance of each other’s flaws
I feel like I could have written this article, except I was abused at 12 and was in unhealthy relationships ever since…many of them had the fireworks and passionate sex but no compatibility. I am now married to my best friend who know every thing about me (good and bad) and is crazy about me. He would have sex with me all day every day and he treats me like a queen. He is damn near perfect and he is a great dad to his daughter (my step-daughter). I can’t seem to get pregnant naturally (I think it is tied to the abuse at such an early age) but he totally accepts me regardless. I just can’t seem to get turned on by him though. I chose him because he is a good man and I made the decision to put take the sexual attraction out of the equation because I really didn’t believe I could have both chemistry and compatibility in the same relationship. I love my husband so much and we are very affectionate with each other but I don’t really want to have sex with him. I do it for him. 🙁
I am in exactly the same situation. I have children with my husband and he’s a great father and husband, but he just doesn’t do it for me. He never has. Even on our wedding day I wasn’t excited… I made the choice to marry him because he’s a good person and he loved me. I go out of my way to avoid intimacy bc it makes me uncomfortable. A complaint of his is that there is no spontaneity in our sex life and in my head I know that there never will be, bc I just don’t want it in the first place. There is no passion at all there for me. I’m able to live life normally most of the time and avoid romantic movies or books because they make me sad. I was in love once many years ago and I wonder if I’ll ever have that again. It would be terrible to divorce over this, especially because we’ve built a life together and have little kids. I couldn’t do that to my kids, but it hurts me to know that that part of life is gone forever.
Michelle I feel every single word you wrote. I can’t watch or read anything sexual and I’m so depressed and mourn the thought that sex is no longer a part of my life. My husband also has ED. This is all I think about and it’s affecting my ability to function in other areas of my life. My husband is a really good man and I’m totally distraught.
I am so so happy I found this article. I am going through the exact same thing. I am engaged to an amazing man. He loves me soooo much and every time he looks at me you can see the passion in his eyes…but nothing about him physically is attractive to me. He is just so good to my kids and I and I know he will give us a good life. I hope and pray this can be enough for me to want to be intimate with him. I love who he is as a man but not head over heels because I don’t feel the sexual chemistry AT ALL. I have had such great sex throughout my other relationships but they treated me like crap. I am now making a wiser decision but not necessarily a passionate one. At the end I know this is best for me and my children and I hope we can sustain and have a happy life together. After all we are compatible and complement each other extremely well. I just wish I wanted to jump his bones! 🙁
I’m glad you found this brave post helpful. Wishing you the best in your marriage. Thanks for commenting.
I have been researching subjects like this since I got married. Ive been married for 2 months now and at first I forced myself to be affectionate and sexual but now it’s getting harder and harder. He is an amazing man. He deserves nothing but the absolute best. I can’t keep holding this though. I need to talk to him about this but I don’t know how. I think he has some idea that I’m feeling this way but he’s maybe chopping it up to a phase I’m going through and we’ll grow past it. But it won’t. I love this man dearly but run when he tries to be affectionate because I know if I give it back it leads to him wanting more. I am so ashamed that I feel this way. I have prayed and prayed for God to show me how to love him like he loves me but nothing’s changing. Should I tell him and how do I do that?
My partner and O have been together 13 years. I was 17 when we got together. Im honestly not sure why I stuck it out so early on but I do know why I continue to be with him. There’s a multitude of reasons. One being, he’s my best friend. We understand eachother and have been through so much and grown emotionally closer and what not in all our years together. We also have 2 children, he’s a great daddy and he treats myself and our kids well and provides for us etc. Hea very supportive, understanding and willing to communicate which is great. Another reason I stay is because I feel bad to leave. And also afraid to leave my.comfort zone and be alone/on my own/start over. Those things are fears one day, bit excitement/something to fantasize about the next.. it all boils down to not having that spark, that desire, that longing.. it makes me feel terrible, but after reading this I realize I’m not lacking sexuality, there’s nothing WRONG with me.. and there’s nothing lacking or wrong with him either. I find myself every now and again wondering why I feel so unsatisfied even though on paper we are perfect for eachother.. but its coming up now that compatibility isn’t lacking, chemistry is. And that can’t really be changed I dont think. Now yo have the conversation with him and see where it takes us. I recently learned he’s been watching porn secretly all these years and I guess I’m naive but I was shocked. After days of diving into the conversation we came to the realization that what he’s been lacking physically, is what I’ve been lacking emotionally. I told him “what if I went to the bar and flirted with men and then came home to you, isn’t that cheating?” He didn’t understand that my need to have that initial spark, excitement, connection is what has been lacking all this time for me. The difference to me was that I never acted on those impulses and desires, whereas he had kept from me a these years about porn which I felt was absolutely a form of cheating. Anyway. Idk where I’m going with this except im glad to have found this post cause now I know its a lack of chemistry, not love. Idk what to do about it though.
Hi Kate, greeting from Indonesia.
I am glad i found this blog.
Now i understand my situation.
I am 32 y.o. and going to get married next year with someone i am not physically attracted to.
In Indonesia when you are a woman and getting older like 27+ then the society or family will push you to get married.
I just realized I am with my husband-to-be because he is good for me, he is what I needed and he wants to be with me.
But i dont even know if i love him or not.
I only can say that i do care about him and try to give or the best i could for him and i do not want to get him hurt.
But i am never attracted to him physically.
When we were fitting my wedding dress he looked so happy but i was not exciting at all (imagining our sex life after marriage). I pretended to be happy and excited because he is a good person and i do not want to hurt him.
I have been married for almost 28 years to a man that I am not attracted to nor have I ever been. I had to talk myself into sex, while feeling like I would throw up. I did this because he seemed like a good man and I, like the writer, had some unfortunate dealings with men early in life so thought it best to go long. I was also pregnant after 3 months, which I thought was impossible before giveny activity. I know that hindsight is 20/20 and I have 2 lovely kids who are grown, but my worry is that my repulsion is solidifying into disgust. This man has great qualities but also we fight. I give him sex because he wants it and it makes my life easier, but I feel like a mother to him as well. Sometimes I think it would be best if I was dead and then he would be devistated but heal eventually. If I left now, I would cause more pain to him then my death would cause, because he relies on me for everything. I am trapped in a cage of my own making. I wish I would have listened to my gut all those times years ago as I made excused for his behaviour. Now the cement has set and I’m 40 feet under water, trying to improve my world by changing my physical world. IIam running out of options, and time. We have many times discussed how to make things better but there is no fixing repulsion. I can not stand his touch, and sex always leaves me in pain, but I do it when necessary to appease the man/child.
This article put my thoughts and feelings into words. I too went through a dark time in my life. Boyfriend was emotionally abusive and when I finally broke free from that a family member who I was extremely close to and thought of as a father attempted to have sex with me. I didn’t tell anyone and just went into depression. Then I met my now husband. He was so kind and loving. We have 3 beautiful children together, but after 16 years I have finally admitted to myself that I’ve never been physically attracted to him. I feel so guilty, and have no clue what to do about it.
I also am going through this exact situation. I have been with my husband for 15 years. I went right into a relationship with him while getting out of a bad one. He was everything my previous boyfriend wasn’t. ANd so I hung on for dear life! Now, we have 3 children and i am financially dependent on him. I don’t enjoy sex with him. I fantasize about other men. I am seriously contemplating a divorce just so I can be in peace alone! I feel so selfish considering this with our 3 children. He is an amazing dad and husband. He’s not very emotionally supportive to me, which is a big deal for us right now and we are in counseling, but other than that i have this huge secret I haven’t told anyone 🙁
I could have written this…i wonder what your outcome has been?
I also could have written this. Do you mind me asking what your outcome was?
Gosh I thought I was alone and just crazy and ungrateful but so many of these stories sound similar to mine, especially this one. I’ve been researching marriage counselors but 8 years of dating and 2 of marriage without sparks I wonder if it’s even possible to fix at this point. I feel so torn and heartbroken:(
Where to start? Well, like others here, I’ve experienced sexual and emotional abuse.
I’ve never been attracted to my husband and, like, so many other women here, I married him because he was stable, responsible, my family liked him, and he’s a good provider. These things are all still true. I couldn’t ask for a better life partner.
When I we started dating and since we’ve been married, I just assumed “grown up” relationships aren’t supposed to revolve around sparks and butterflies and attraction. And for the last 11 years I’ve assumed I just didn’t like sex anymore but I know now that’s not true.
I was sexting with a man in another state who I know for sure I would have slept with if I could have. I didn’t even feel guilty for not feeling guilty about it.
My husband and I have a lot more sex now, but it’s because I think of other men.
I’m half considering trying to warm him up to opening our marriage on some level. There’s no one I want rn but… idk. It’s just sad to admit. And feels selfish and spoiled and self centered and shallow.
@anonymous,
I feel you to the T. I have two children from a previous abusive relationship. And I have two children with my current partner of ten years. I haven’t told anyone other than two close friends that I don’t find him attractive. I wish I’d gone through therapy before meeting him (granted I wouldn’t have my two younger children). I guess, I just realize now that I didn’t love myself enough to think I deserved a good looking man with the qualities I wanted. Now I feel stuck… Stuck with an ok guy who loves me and my children but who I have no attraction for. He isn’t an emotional guy so my emotional needs are not met on top of not being attracted to him. I feel guilty for feeling the way I do. And realize now that I never should’ve settled for him because he’s a “good guy”. He wants to be with me. He wants to be a family. He knows I don’t feel emotionally connected and really does nothing about it. Sometimes I think if there was an emotional connection I could be more attracted to him. 10 years in, a bad back with chronic back pain, gained 30lbs later… I feel stuck and like I’ll never find what I’m looking for even if I did leave him. I hate myself for staying but would hate myself for leaving too. I feel like there’s no winning. I missed my opportunity with my last crush/co-worker… He was everything I wanted, as a person, extremely good looking, and a good guy who felt the same way as me but respected the fact that I was in a relationship so didn’t push himself on me. He is my “what-if” guy. Granted I wouldn’t have my two younger children and he wouldn’t have his two now. It’s just the pain of feeling like I missed my love story because of my values/morals… that I had to stay with my current partner and be faithful. Staying faithful with my current partner has only brought on resentment towards him. He’s a good guy but didn’t support me emotionally. He’s a good guy but watches porn and doesn’t respect that it bothers me. He’s a good guy but he’s selfish. And when I say good guy, I mean… he doesn’t hit me. I just wish I was independent again and that I could afford to take care of my children on my own. I feel like I’ll get there someday. Someday when my little ones are in school. Someday, I’ll be free to be me. But will that someday be too late to find sparky happy love or will it just be enough to be on my own with self love. I don’t know. Lately I’ve just been crying. I feel like I’ve let my kids down by not showing them a happy loving family/relationship. I guess we all have a journey… thank you whoever reads this without judgement.
So glad to have found this article and thread. I’ve been with my husband for 14 years, married 11. He is a wonderful man…nearly perfect on paper. I think the world of him, but am not sexually/physically or intellectually attracted to him…nor have i ever been…this has resulted in a sexless marriage. I knew early on that something was slightly amiss for me…but i just brushed it aside and chalked it up to anxiety/jitters. I knew how amazing of a person he was…and you just don’t walk away from a good man who loves and supports you in every facet in life.
I’ve spent all these years not really knowing/realizing what was going on….i have kept myself distracted with work, friends, hobbies, travel, etc… I’ve pushed him further and further away emotionally in recent years and didn’t really understand why. Fast forward to this past year, i met and became friends with a man i am very very attracted to in every aspect. We became involved in a relationship for nearly a year…and sadly it took this experience for me to realize the huge lack in my marriage.
I am so utterly depressed and heartbroken over it all. But knowing all that i now know and have realized this year, i don’t know if i can remain in the marriage….given that those key ingredients were missing from the start. Not sure that such can be cultivated at this point. At times, i tell myself it is shallow/carnal to consider leaving an outstanding person over lack of attraction…but i want more…i don’t know that i can spend the rest of my life without a deeper, richer connection….sex…intellectual stimulation…it’s just so difficult..but i think i know what i have to do.
I could have written your comment word for word. I feel so lost. Have you made any decisions?
I felt like I could have written this post. It describes my life perfectly. I am married to a great husband and father. Again, he’s not perfect but he’s better than most men out there. But we have no connection, no physical or sexual attraction either. I have 2 children and I don’t know if breaking up a family is worth it for me just to find that with someone else.
Your story is almost exactly like mine!! You said you think you know what you have to do? What do you think you have to do??
I could have written this…i wonder what your outcome has been?
I’ve read every single comment, trying to find some piece of information that will make this feeling go away. At least I’m not alone.
I’m not married. I don’t think we ever will be. I refuse to commit to this. But, I’m still trapped. I met my partner while I was dealing with an emotional rollercoaster of a relationship. My now ex, had himself just been left by his wife right before we started dating. I guess now I understand he was in no position to commit – to anyone. I was naive and inexperienced. I was a virgin in my twenties that met this cute, kind, funny guy that actually liked me! I was doomed from the start.
Anyway, he was my first, so I became very attached. But it honestly wasn’t just that. He was nice, smart, funny, handsome, and had his life in order. We got along so well. To me, he was perfect, but for the fact that he had no intention of committing to me. I stupidly thought I could win him over and fix him with my love. Cliche, I know. I fell head-over-heels for him in no time. I honestly couldn’t have loved him more than I did. Every second with him was pure joy. My lifetime depression instantly vanished. It was a dream come true. But, of course, reality eventually reared its ugly head. He loved me, but thought he was settling. He was probably never faithful. I suffered immensely whenever I felt his rejection. But I refused to let go.
That’s when I met my now partner. He was understanding and seemed very interested in me. We noticed we have a similar personality. Come to find out we’re basically the same person, just different genders. That means our traits don’t even each other out. Instead, they double up. The good and the bad. There’s a lot of bad, unfortunately. He’s not terrible looking, but he’s 23 years my senior, so I was very, very, hesitant. I unfortunately got guilted into a relationship with him. He had such a terrible life, I thought I could help. But, with his bad life came a bad attitude that showed itself after I moved in with him. We always fought, and 7 years later, still often do. Our roles have reversed however. At first, he was an ogre that would dominate me to the point of tears. Now, with the little love I have left, I admittedly have no respect for him, and treat him as such. He seemingly worships me. Whatever.
I was sort of attracted to him at first, but that was systematically squashed over the years. He has zero romanticism/charm. He refuses to “play games” which translates into him not trying, at all. He’s never cared about his appearance. He doesn’t have a stable job, a home, or even a car. So strike off being a provider for him.
The only thing he has is love for me; Unconditional love. I’ve fallen back into a deep depression. I take a handful of antidepressants every day. I hardly leave my bed, let alone leave the house. And I’ve gained 60 lbs. I’m a shadow of my former self, but he still adores me. Is that enough? I don’t feel it is. It’s funny, I now sort of understand how my ex felt about me. I adored him too, but didn’t have much to offer beyond that. Although, I at least tried to appeal to him and give him what he wanted. I suppose that’s the only difference.
What keeps me trapped in this relationship is the knowledge that I’m quite literally all he has. I’m his last chance. Had I not rescued him, he would have blown his brains out. I knew that from the start. If I leave him now, he will blow his brains out. His life is in my hands. I hate it. I sacrificed myself to take the altruistic path. I pay for it every day. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. For obvious reasons, I won’t be having children with him.
I care about him. There is a good heart in that oh so very flawed being. He’s the only person in my life l feel 100% comfortable around. I can’t even trust my family that much. He does my bidding, and tries to keep me content. He’s comforting to have around. I’m used to his presence and although I very often fantasize about leaving and finding someone – anyone else – I always worry what will become of him.
Finally, the sex part. He basically only likes oral. Both giving and receiving. He says he’s too old to do the things he did when he was young. Or so he says. My father is in his 80s and still is very much sexually active; so I don’t buy it. I’ve always associated sex with love, and intimacy. I love feeling connected in such an intimate way. As I mentioned before, he apparently couldn’t care less about that stuff. He wants to get off, and that’s it. Over the years I’ve tried to find a middle ground, but he’s shot down every single attempt I have ever made to get what I want. It’s to the point that I don’t think I’ll ever even want those things from him ever again. I’ve never liked receiving oral, but it’s what he loves the most. We couldn’t be more different in that aspect.
The whole preface about my ex is most relevant here. Ever since I was a little girl (and watched porn at too young an age), I’ve known I was very sexual. I was a virgin until almost my mid twenties. It honestly ate me up inside, but I had all that time to figure out what looked appealing. My ex hit every single item on my checklist, and boy did he do it well. Honestly, it was incredible sex. It was so good, I’d come home and write about it to try and preserve the memories. I couldn’t stay off him. It was pure ecstasy. Those memories are now bittersweet. We were ridiculously sexually compatible. Honestly, we were compatible in all ways, he was just hurt and didn’t know what he had. Too bad for both of us.
Now to my current situation. I don’t even like being touched by my partner, let alone desire him in any way. He does and says a lot of things that repulse me. He thinks he’s being playful, but it just drives me further and further away. We hardly have any sexual contact, and the less the better. I just can’t believe how I went from the perfect sex life, to the most disappointing one I could imagine. Even someone considered “lame” in bed would have intercourse as a default. That’s why nowadays I’m turned on by the vast majority of other men. It’s so pathetic.
I hate this hell. I regret not having sex with every single man that had even the slightest interest in me. Maybe I would have at least found a responsible partner. That’d be a turn on! I have nothing. Nothing but that bitter, little voice inside me that says, “at least you saved a life.” I hadn’t realized that I would be trading in my own for his.
@Misery, I just want to say, I feel really bad for you. You’re carrying a huge burden. I’m no marriage counselor and will be the first to admit I have my own issues (that led me to this blog) but, in your situation, I trust you already know what you must do. You can’t keep living your life to cater to him. Well-intended as your care-giving relationship may be, it isn’t fair to you or to him for it to take the place of the loving/fulfilling relationship you both deeply desire and need. I’m almost certain you’ve already had the difficult conversation with him but it may be time to come to that “aha!” moment. The time to take the leap and make the decision. It’ll be the farthest thing from easy but it’ll be liberating because its based on a CHOICE YOU made. You have a God-given right to choose and frame your life. You might care for him (and that may continue), but you’re not responsible for him. He isn’t a child but an adult responsible for finding his own way/happiness in life without expecting you to create it for him. I’m sorry if this sounds a bit harsh but I seriously doubt you’ll ever regain attraction to someone you feel obligated to care for; someone who places the burden of their mental well-being fully on you. That counter-productive and not a helpful trait in eliciting your attraction. My very best to you.
Has anyone had any luck sorting this out? I’ve been married for 12 years now and have never had these feelings towards my husband. I thought that I just didn’t really have those and he was a ‘good’ guy why shouldn’t I be with him…. we have 3 girls and we are separated right now as I told him that I started having tingles for people but I’ve bever had them for him. I was hoping to we could pray and keep trying to move forward.. not what I expected to happen..
I am going to counseling as I think I have some abandonment/detachment issues. He is supposed to go to counseling as he has had some codependency issues and we are going to dr Harvey from the marriage builders soon. I’m hopeful but feel a little detached from things.. idk…
I saw you mention praying together about this and if you can that would be great. I can give you more details if you like; but I and my ex-husband and my sister and her husband went through marriage builder’s with good results for her. I on the other hand ended up divorced — not that I didn’t learn things in the process.
One difference is this – my sister thought her husband was attractive (as in she saw how others could be attracted to him); she was just not attracted to him ever. So once they worked through other issues and addressed some relatively minor physical attraction issues (he wanted her to keep her hair longer and dress up more she wanted him to work on losing 30 lbs and to dress up himself.
I on the other hand (and I feel horrible for writing this) never saw my ex as attractive at all to really anyone – and no matter what else was right for us. the physical part just never clicked and he tried a lot to do what he could but his weight was always an issue even after losing a lot. I found myself feeling sick because I was becoming embarrassed to be out with him and he slowly became less patient with me and resentful.
So do you see him as just an unattractive man or an attractive man with whom you’re not attracted?
Interesting article and bittersweet to me as well. I’d dated and had very passionate highly sexual flings but the passion and the brains never quite connected for me. I met my now husband of 20 years as a friend who I had a drunken fling with. But he was very sweet and respectful and kind. He seemed like a better human that I felt I was at the time and got me excited about healthier lifestyle changes and less destructive behaviors. We had fun together and enjoyed each other and were happy to see each other… always calling to see when he’d be home.. but I never greeted him with a kiss and we didn’t snuggle much or touch much… we had ok sex and usually it was after drinking even 10 years into the marriage.
I don’t think we have the right physical chemistry but I wish that we did. I’m not sure that you can build chemistry/sexual attraction. It just is or isn’t there. He is lanky and athletic and his hugs don’t feel warm and close as lovers in the past.
We have kids and I think we would both like to feel “in love” with each other but wondering if just family love can fulfill us as we are nearing our 50s. I wonder if we need to kiss at 70 or if we can enjoy traveling together (sexless) during retirement and find that fulfilling? I’d hate to lose him but my heart has never fluttered when he enters a room. He’s always felt like “home” to me, and like a partner and family, but maybe like a sibling? He has 3 sisters and raised by a single mom and I suspect he may also see me a bit sisterly some of the time. We don’t fight we do things together… we are both a bit attractive and stylish. I’m not gay and don’t think he is though it wouldn’t completely shock me actually…
This is me. Definitely have some kind of issues from the last I can’t remember but I know happened and daddy issues a bit too. I met my husband at 27 and I was done with being promiscuous and never getting that relationship I really wanted. The one where I could feel safe. Well my husband made me feel like I was just so amazing and we married a month after meeting. He had a one year old son when we met and I fell in love with him but not my husband. Long story short we went to therapy where I told him this. It was hard but needed to be said. We talked about how I wasn’t attracted to him and felt like we are missing “that part” in our relationship. We went through some stuff over the last 9 years but have managed to stay pretty happy but that’s really because I just ignore the issues I don’t feel safe enough to discuss. Over time I saw how he would react when I tried talking to him outside of therapy. I got sick of him basically trying to throw me out of the house and bringing his son into the room mid sleep so he could see how I was leaving and how it’s all my fault. Ugh. There so much I could go on. So I just stayed so I could have stability and I stayed because his son became my son. He wouldn’t let me see him if I left. I don’t want to bring more trauma to him by leaving. I left two years into our marriage and came back basically because it was hard. No degree to get me a decent paying job. Out of work for those two years we were married. Just was easier. I was weak. I don’t consider myself to be weak usually but I’d say if ever that was the time. So here I am 9 years in feeling the same way i have always felt. He’s basically a good guy. Good dad to our kids and I one on the way. Thinking omg I can I really keep this up? I wanted another child and as soon as I became pregnant I realized I’m just potentially locking myself in for at least another 5 years. How horrible. I’m going to go back to therapy alone. I guess we will see what happens. I mean I’m definitely in a pickle but I don’t think it will be the worst thing to do what’s healthy for me if leaving is the answer. I know I hav sissies that I have to really make sure are not the reasons I feel this way. I know I’m not attracted to him in any way except for he is a pretty good dad for my kids. Part of me feels like ok I did it! I found a good dad for my kids and that’s all that matters. I can suck it up… forever? Idk but then I’m afraid he will be really immature and hurt them by saying stupid things do them about me. And dating right away which is what he does. He can’t be alone. He has do have a woman no matter how bad she is he will try to maleness it work. I feel like thats what he did with me. I don’t think I am really what he wants except that I’m a great mom to his oldest as well. His biological mom is pretty crappy and doesn’t see him nearly as much as she should so I’m here to fill in. Anyway. Yeah this sucks.
Stayathomemom- I feel for you. Your story is my story. I tried to leave him 3 years ago, but he threatened me. He told me he would take away my daughter. He makes all the money. I am completely dependent on him. It sucks so bad. I don’t have degree to get a good job. I feel so foolish for my mistakes. I married someone because other people said I owed it to him and that he was such a good guy. He knows about my issues with our sex life, we have fought about it many times, and he still won’t let me go. I don’t think I could keep someone captive like this. If my husband wasn’t EVER attracted to me, I would ask him to leave. It’s not fair to live life in the dark, which is how I feel. But, as long as I can keep my mind busy and I am okay. However, the moment always comes when we have to be intimate. We are great friends, but terrible lovers. We can laugh and have fun, until sex is what he wants. I have to think about other things to become aroused. He says he loves me so much and he does take care of me. He always wants me to be happy, but what that really means is for me to be happy WITH him. Oh, I am so tired of hurting. Forever does seems like a long time. It’s been 14.5 years and I feel like I’ve aged internally by a decade. Meaning I’m 35, but feel 45. I’m still nowhere near attracted to him. It makes me feel like such a gross person. Does anyone know what to do when you can’t get divorced? We are religious and we aren’t allowed to do so. Our entire family makes that very clear too. No one would support my decision to leave and my child would be heartbroken. I am in over my head. I’m so terribly depressed. Being deprived of fulfilling sex, this one thing that set marriage apart from any other relationship, is affecting every part of my life. I don’t want to be around his family, or partake in social events with him. I am embarrassed to be with him in public. People look at us and know we are mis-matched. I hate not feeling satisfied as a wife should with her husband. I wish there was a restart button. I’ve been to counseling too, but nothing helps. I’m living a lie every day. How long can I do this? Life is too short to be miserable, but I feel it dragging on with this issue. I would rather be alone than have to pretend one more day. There is really only one answer for people in this situation: (1) stay and endure half-hearted, unwanted, bad sex for the betterment of the family. (2) or leave and destroy your family, stability, and finances. Well…shit. Looks like it’s a lose-lose. Someone out there please tell us all how you’re coping.
Hello there – my heart goes out to you because I have been in exactly same situation as you in regards to family religion, beliefs and no support what’s so ever from anyone. But please please don’t make same mistake I did. After 24 years I’ve decided I can’t leave like this anymore, I’ve felt my soul was in jail and had to escape. I couldn’t take it any longer, I couldn’t lead a double life – pretending. So I’ve decided I’m going in holiday on my own for two weeks in the sun to reflect. This is something I never did before but felt I want more than anything. I have found some supportive friends through Women Therapy and they reassured me is ok to do it I have the right to do it . I left myself and my son ( nearly 14 years old ) with my husband and off I went. I researched before I went and prepared so I’ve booked half board so I don’t have to go out of hotel in the evening . Well I surprised myself to how happy and free I’ve felt. I read in the evening, reflected a lot prayed for clarity of mind . One day I have found someone 20 years younger and fell in love the chemistry and passion I’ve felt OMG I never ever felt before. I had the best time of my life ( I had more sex in the 10 days with this wonderful lover than I had in 24 years of my marriage) I came home told my husband I want to divorce, told him about the lover but I didn’t tell my family or friends apart from the ones from women’s therapy. I got myself a good therapist to talk to one day a week and she helped me a lot by saying I have the right to be happy. I have the right to not tell anyone about divorce until I am ready. I’m now in the process of divorce still but I know I owe this to myself. I become more spiritual since all of this because I seek more answers and discover more about myself. The young lover and I finally I’ve decided to let go because I knew it was not best for me in the long run. I didn’t want to get trapped again until I am fully recovered and know exactly what it will be best for me going forward. One thing I’ve decided is that I don’t want anymore children as I am nearly 46. I am going to trust that everything will be ok and have confidence in myself.
I’ve learned that new opportunities can’t come your way when the door is shut. You need to trust and open that door and divinity will quise and support you just have faith.
Don’t do this to yourself, set free and enjoy your life fully. If there is no love in your heart you’ll never feel truly alive you’ll never feel the joy and passion and connection until you’ll be with someone that gives you that. Now that I’ve experienced this I can’t not ever go back to what it was before. None of this can be bought with money. And remember this your family does not live your life. This is your path and is for you to decide what is best for your soul and your heart.
I wish you will have strength and do what’s right for your soul. God bless ?
Wow! I have been dating a man for 10 years and initially fell in love with his 1 year old son! I feel lucky because the dad is a really kind, loving man who works hard and treats me like a queen! I’ve always been a little embarrassed of him though because he doesn’t exercise and doesn’t fit “the mold” in any way, shape, or form. I try to tell myself that I like the alternative lifestyle he lives and that we are leading more interesting lives than the cookie-cutter couples but deep down, I’ve always wanted what everyone else (seems) to have. We are engaged and I am not months pregnant and I don’t know if it’s hormones or what but I am questioning why I chose him and if I should be locking myself in with him by having a child. The new child will balance the power in the relationship since my fiancée has always been the one to say whether or not I can see my “step-son” whenever we would break up throughout the years. I’m asking him to sign a prenup because I’m just so scared it’s not going to work. I’m hoping I’m wrong but statistics are statistics and we’ve broken up so many times, I just have a hard time seeing myself with him forever. Although I will say, I have fantasies about other men but wouldn’t actually ever leave him for any of them. I think I just want him to look like them AND treat me nicely. I guess if I had to choose, I choose nice over attractive. But don’t we want it all?!?
I’m curious how you are doing in your situation. Has anything changed?
@StayAtHomeMom2, I really feel your pain, I am in exactly the same situation as you – I could have written your post myself! My husband is a ‘great guy’ and has all my family and friends charmed, which makes it harder for me to leave as they will all side with him and wonder how I could do this to him as he’s such a ‘great guy’… But they aren’t the ones who have to have sex with him! I’m kind of in the same situation that I have never felt proud to walk beside him, when he proposed to me it was so out of the blue it completely blindsided me – but I felt like I couldn’t say NO because he did it publicly etc and then I felt like I couldn’t get off the rollercoaster at that point. I feel like we are also very mis-matched. I so crave to be with someone who I am sexually attracted to, to the point where I have regularly suffer from depression… In July this year I couldn’t take it any more and I told him I didn’t find him attractive any longer and that we should move on so he can be with someone who he deserves – someone who actually wants to rip his clothes off… But his response was to attempt suicide and blame it on my rejection of him. And he still repeatedlu states that he doesn’t want to be with anyone else and it would destroy him for us to split up… I feel like I’m destined to feel stuck and unhappy forever… And that I have to stay with him as he is the financial breadwinner and I can’t afford to be a single Mum…. To be honest, for me it’s just a matter of time – I’m really motivated to get a better job and put away money into savings so I can afford to be independent. I think my Son deserves to grow up around a happy mother (who enjoys sex again!) And not a quietly resentful and unconfident shadow of her former self. Life is too short to be fucking miserable eh? We won’t get any reward in heaven for putting everyone else’s happiness before our own.
I’m with you, I’m going to find a way to get out of this situation. I have dreams almost every night of being with someone else, someone I’m attracted to, even if it’s just holding their hand. I love my husband, we’ve been married 15 years and have 2 kids, we got married because I got pregnant and I thought I didn’t have any other choice. My husband depends on me for being the primary breadwinner, I plan on leaving but letting him stay in our home, I’d be happy in a studio apartment, I’d even still pay most the bills for him and the kids to stay in the home, and be broke myself. I tried to get out, but he said he will kill himself. I believe him because I’ve found him with a gun to his head before. I don’t know how to get out of this situation, but I’ve decided to take a higher paying job in a city a few hours away, stay in a cheap hotel, and slowly start making my way out. I know he will give me hell for it. I know he will try to turn my kids against me. I’ll come home on my days off to see the kids. I don’t know what it wrong with my and why I can’t just be happy with him. We have a nice life, but he is so controlling and works from home, and I literally never have any time to myself. I can’t get away from what my subconscious truly wants, which is to just live my life, I don’t want another relationship with anyone because I never want to be in this situation ever again. He deserves to be with someone who finds him attractive too. I guess I deserve it too. We haven’t even kissed in over 10 years. I have to watch porn to get in the right mindset to have sex with him, I have never been physically attracted to him. I feel so guilty about this. I used drugs and alcohol to numb my feelings, for years, but somehow I found the determination now, and I’m going to work towards getting out. What other choice do I have? I can’t keep doing this.
In this situation, why does no one talk about an open relationship as an option? It’s 2019- we can define marriage however we want. I, like many of the other commenters, have never really been attracted sexually to my husband, but, again like many of the other commenters, we have a wonderful and happy life together. I’m not suggesting a free-for-all, but if we communicate with each other and set rules and boundaries, could I not have my sexual needs met outside the marriage without destroying the marriage? Or is this just a fantasy that will inevitably blow up in our faces? Has anyone in this situation tried some form of opening up the relationship? How did it go?
I asked my husband, he said no way. He would rather lose me, “the woman of his dreams” than share me sexually with another man. Unfortunately it will never happen for me, but it seems like an ideal scenario for an open-minded couple.
I had the same response. It’s also funny, I would definitely do it, but I know I’d still be jealous of my partner if he did (selfish isn’tit). I think it takes strength and already having an open mind. I would give anything to learn to create sexual chemistry with my loving partner
I brought it up. He started shaking really bad and said if we did that he’d have to be hospitalized for panic attacks regularly. It took him almost a hour to stop shaking.
Same here Rosie. He had a panic attack and almost went to the hospital!
I am actually in an open marriage, but not sexually attracted to my husband. Otherwise, our relationship is awesome and I am so happy to be partnered with him. He’s smart and kind and wild and a fantastic father to our two kids – I just never feel like having sex with him. I can go ages without it and he is soooo in love with me And fawns over me and would happily have sex with me all the time even though he also gets to have sex with other women. My fear is that in letting him know I feel this way (which he already suspects) we will lose something of what makes us US. I really do wish to go through life with this man. He’s my favorite person, besides our kids. But if he knows how I feel I think he’d be devastated. And if he could get over it, and we somehow shifted the scope of our relationship, what would be lost? I sometimes feel like I’d give up being able to date other people myself just to prove to him how much his partnership means to me. The weird thing is that he’s objectively attractive. Like, has no trouble getting dates, is tall and handsome and fun. Clearly, there’s something wrong with me.
Wait so do you go on dates with other men as well?
I feel like I am in this same situation. Can I ask whatever happened?
As the person on the other side of the situation, I would say tell him and tell him as soon as possible! My wife and I were married for religious reasons, but neither of us now practice. She told me after 12 years of marriage and 2 children that she had never been attracted to me. It came as a shock but once I realized she wouldn’t or couldn’t change, I knew it was over. She wanted to move out and try a separation. I told her I wanted a divorce as soon as possible. We agreed to a cordial divorce without lawyers, that we thought is fair to everyone and we split our time with our kids. It was probably the most difficult year of my life, especially the pain it caused my children. I’ve had some of the lowest points. It cost me financially, I couldn’t sleep, it effected my work, I felt I was unlovable and that I had no value. But now, a year later, I’m healthier, happier, and have a better relationship with my children than I’ve ever had in my life. I actually wrote her and thanked her. I only wish she had told me sooner. Even if I never meet anyone else or get married again, I’m so much happier. I hadn’t realized how depressed it was making me to waste my life with someone who didn’t appreciate me. Not having to worry about her or work constantly to try to keep her happy has freed up my entire life.
You deserve better and your husband deserves better. I’m not sure what will be the outcome of your situation. I know you’re probably worried how it will effect everyone. But, humans are resilient, I’m confident that everyone in my family will be better off in the long run. My children are happier, I’m happier and I hope my ex-wife is happier. She still believes there’s a soulmate out there and I hope she finds him. We will probably never be friends, which is kind of sad, but I wish her nothing but the best. All we’ve got is a brief period of time on this earth and you’re wasting yours and his by not being honest with him. Good luck.
Thank you for this perspective. I am curious, Why can’t you be friends?
I feel exactly as many women have communicated on this blog. It is our choice to stay or leave. It is a risk. The only thing that makes me stay, is the fact that we have a son together.. and we are a “happy” family. Mentally, physically, and emotionally, I’ve already divorced.. i am worried about the toll it (divorce) would take on my son (who is only 4).. and our extended family (husband is like a son/brother to my family, but on the other hand – I can’t stand his family.. which also is part of this crazy emotional mess). I feel like the ice maiden. I try to convince myself I have the ability to fix it.. but how I you “fix” attraction/chemistry when it never existed in the first place? I feel therapy is too late, but maybe we should try? Or just wait until our son is older and figure it out.. again, comes down to choices and risks
I am in the same situation as well. What did you all decide to do ad how did it work out?
This is what we have been doing for 2 years. It’s hard though – lots of insecurities and bumps. Counseling. It definitely isn’t a fantasy solution in a lot of ways, but I do feel like my needs are being met in a better way.
This is /was my story. Met him right after a breakup. I should have taken my time! After a long distance relationship for a few months, we got married (after receiving pressure from family for moving in together). I wasn’t ever attracted to him physically, but rather what he stood for. We tried all sorts of things to make things spicy, but nothing ever worked. It got to a point where I was almost repulsed when he reached out to grab my hand. But, we manoeuvered adulting together starting at 23 and 21. So…. 8 years later, 2 kids and 1 angel baby, I filed for divorce. And I feel like I can breathe again. My heart breaks for my babies, but we have been cordial. I just pray for my kids now. I almost feel guilty for feeling so free. After so many years of not being attracted to anyone, I had my first flirt. Wow! I hadn’t felt that in almost 12 years (previous ex… Remember?)
Choosing what to do can be hard. If you believe in God, I like to say anything is possible… But this kind of chemistry cannot be created out of thin air.
I searched for this. Googled it. I’m in my mid-30s and pretty sure I eventually want marriage and kids. I finally found an incredible, kind, creative, talented, practical, spiritual, humble man who would be an excellent husband and father… but I have zero attraction to him and never have. Not an ounce. He’s handsome most of the time to me, but not sexy, not ever. We’ve been dating a year. He’s insanely timid, won’t come on to me even when I used to beg for him to. Now I just don’t want to have sex with him at all. When he tries to come onto me it feels scripted and tense and just… off.
I’ve never been turned on by him one single time. I have sex out of a feeling of obligation because he’d leave me if I didn’t and I’m not sure I can let him go. He wants it all the time… apparently. That’s what he says verbally, but I have never gotten any sexual energy, body language, etc. he’s very in his head. Sex feels like him trying to perform for me hoping I’ll approve of him. It’s heart breaking to not be able to give him that unquestionable validation… he’s such a good guy. But it’s also heartbreaking to consider entering into a life of sexual numbness for myself.
He has a past full of emotional abuse for his mother and sex-is-dirty from catholic school and an ex wife who was raped and they stopped having sex as a result… for years. So he has a lot of baggage. Meanwhile I’m a very sexual person, done a lot of work to heal from my own sexual trauma, and have always always enjoyed my sexual relationship with past partners… so this is a first for me. I don’t know what to do. I feel like if I decide a best friend, husband, and father in a largely sexless marriage is good enough, that I’ll end up cheating and/or leaving. It’s hard to imagine turning down someone who I’d have good chemistry with as it is.
Don’t do it. Please…learn from this article and the replies. It’s not worth it.
I married my husband under the exact same circumstances. I could have wrote this.
Rosie-
I entered into a relationship with my best friend 8 years ago. And only recently have I realized that the sexual chemistry is missing. Your situation is very similar to mine. Except I have recently met someone else who I love and am extremely attracted to, I just still love my husband as a person I’ve always seen in my life. I’ve been honest with my husband and I am currently I’m struggling with this decision. Hope everything works out for you.
I could have written this…going through this right now
This is me. I’ve been with my husband for almost 10 years. We were actually best friends for a year before we started dating, and, for a while, I was a little attracted to him – but nowhere near what I’ve felt for other people. We had regular sex for the first year or so… Then it started being less and less often, and not on my account. The thing is, I was a virgin when I met him, and I had no idea sex was supposed to be better than what I had with him. So, when that’s all you know, you want it, right? He, on the other hand, was never that active sexually. After the honeymoon period faded, he started getting less and less interested in sex, and that itself was a turnoff for me. But then we had a few problems in our relationship, and I gave him an ultimatum to get better. It didn’t work, so I tried to break up but he wouldn’t have it, so I ended up cheating on him. The sex with the person I cheated on him with was mind-blowing. I had no idea sex could be like that. He forgave me for cheating because I did try to break up, and he hadn’t improved anything I’d asked him to. But because of what happened, I learned that my husband and I were incompatible sexually. We still have sex, but the frequency is much less than ideal for me and, honestly, I’m not atttacted to him at all. Everything he does in bed is unattractive to me. When I read or watch romance, it breaks my heart, because I love him dearly, but there is no spark. I don’t want to tear his clothes off, I’d rather he kept them on. He’s a wonderful person and everything else about our life is great…I don’t know what to do.
It’s comforting to see that others have obviously put the same words into a search engine. I’m 54 and after 27 years of marriage have just now been able to admit this truth to myself. Like some of the others here, I am having trouble imagining or justifying leaving a good marriage because of sex. I have brought up an open marriage but he doesn’t think he could handle it. I don’t have the answer, but here is what I am thinking about today. When he touches me in a sexual way I experience aversion. It’s been getting worse. I’m starting to see physical attraction as something that is hard-wired, and when I engage in spite of how I feel it’s like I’m overriding my natural system. In some ways it’s like it’s against my consent. This cannot be good for my body, mind or soul.
Amy, I feel exactly the same way, and I am one year older than you. You wrote it very well. What can we do? Al
Oh my God…
This post has made me to fell so much better and undnenrnstood…
I’m newly married to a men that I was not initially attracted to.. I had dated other boys who were my type on paper before… and that was cool…tall… fit… because I like to think that I’m not too bad myself… they were all very attractive however the relationships just did not work…
I grew up in an abusive home… my father was violent towards
My mother… he was an alcoholic and there was an element of finanshial abuse and infidelity… however as a father he was and is amaising… provided the best catered for all our needs without any complaints and always told us he loved us… so when this guy started persuading me to be his girlfriend it took a long long time for me to give in… months later I did. Because naturally when a man shows persistent women give in because of the emotional aspect… he seemed caring… loyal… faithful… and I was okay with giving it ago… afew years later we dated long distant and he is still there suporting me emotionally… I am also a very well raised woman and have given him the suport just as equal or maybe even more.. however… in the back of my head I always know that this guy is not my type… the only thing he gives me is assurance that he will not physically abuse me.. however financially and anything else I do not need him I’m actually better and I find myself giving him more suport this is to say that he is certainly not perfect… infact quite annoying at times. .. and nothing close to my father when it comes to taking responsibility as a man.. but I still got married to him… why… because of the fear that I dont want a man that will abuse me… I’m not sure weather I can take that.. I think that can easily brake me… however… we have an issue at hand… and the issue is after our wedding and during our honey moon and the days after… we had alot of difficulty with being intimate… i was as dry as treated sand papered wood… not arroused at all… he is also my hight and sometimes people say.. oh your husband is short and I honestly get annoyed because iv always liked taller guys because I am a tall girl… iv recently met a friend that is my type on paper..very Handome man…. tall caring… gives me time amaising man… and he kind of noticed that there is something wrong with my marriage… but I’m being a good wife.. no afair yet… let’s pray non to come…… I wish I would hve had that with the security of no abuse… however that is not a guarantee… and now I even fear that my sons will not be as attractive as I would wish because their father is not my type… this is a hudge problem that women need help with.. espeshially women like me… newly married with no children… the man is not perfect… infact he became worse as the years have gone on like all men do… the attention he used to give me before refused after marriage… he still says he adores me… but is not perfect at all.. and I ended up with an imperfect… unattractive man… after he shagged me during our honeymoon….I cried after.i was so miserable…. he even questions why he does not turn me on… i am successful… beautifull… educated… driven… I have my own properties and investments… and he is just a guy with a good heart who will not physically abuse me.. but occasionally asks me for loans … so he is also not perfect. And this is my life.. may I say he is a very handsome man… iv come to notice that he has a good face… but I’m still not attracted to him… he is not tall… he does not pull the chair when were going out to eat.. he does not always pay the Bill’s. Like my dad did… he has no investments and will probably benefit from my financial drive…. but I’m.stack with him because I went for the good guy that will not abuse me
I also could have written this myself. I’m 52 and married 20+ years with 3 kids. I dont think the kids will ever forgive me if i leave.
@Amy, this!!! I’m consenting, but I don’t FEEL like I’m consenting. It hurts my soul to say yes when I want to say no, but I can only say no so many times before we’d be in big trouble and I’m not ready for the consequences of that. Married 17 years.
I was attracted to my husband and we had lots of sexual tension and desire when we were dating. I was raised in a Christian church that taught purity and saving yourself for marriage. I couldn’t wait until I was married to have sex with him, but we did wait and we’re both virgins when we got married. Then we got married and literally since the night our wedding on I did not enjoy or want sex. My desire has gone down each year and sex feels like a chore. Worse than that it hurts because I can never get turned even after hours of foreplay. Sex takes so much effort for us that he doesn’t even want to try most days either, there is no such thing as a quickie for us. I thought maybe I have a medical condition, but the doctor says it’s just stress. I guess I’m the only person in the whole world to have 10 years of stress that can’t be relaxed enough to even have sex. I fantasize about cheating all the time because I feel like I could easily get myself there with another stranger just because of the excitement of something new. I love my husband in every other way and he is amazing, but we can’t even have sex enough to have children let alone have any fun. My case is so extreme that I don’t know who can even help me. I’m depressed and feel cheated that my religion told me I was honoring God by saving sex for marriage and now I wish I had been a dirty slut in college because at least then I would know what sex feels like and why it’s such a big deal to everyone.
Reading through this post and all the comments has been extremely helpful to me, a man approaching my 40’s, who’s been married to a woman over 15 years whom I’ve never felt attracted to, but have considered my best friend since the day we met.
I was teased and shunned in school because I was considered ugly (overtly thin, poor posture, relatively short) until the very last years of high school, and was among the worst students in class irrespectively of the subject. I grew a lot in height during my final teenage years, gained muscle mass and got my posture mostly fixed, and suddenly women started showing interest in me and I became very popular. I dated a lot and loved two women (not simultaneously) with all my heart, truly wanting to spend the rest of my life with either of them. Unfortunately, neither wanted me in the end, which elevated my sense of poor self-esteem that I’ve developed during early childhood.
I thought that the solution was to date more people, casting an ever-widening net – and I did. I had several causal encounters and even a few friends-with-benefits deals. One of those was in the process of ending disastrously when I met a new wonderful woman. She was extraordinarily intelligent, sophisticated, we shared most interests, we had similar life goals, and she became my best friend within days – and is that to this day. From a purely superficial looks standpoint she met my three absolute minimum criteria, but also came with three features that are among my biggest turnoffs and only one of them can be changed and requires great effort.
During our time dating I wanted to split up twice. The first time I didn’t because I didn’t want to break my best friend’s heart as I was afraid it would have ended our friendship. The second time I didn’t because she had lost her virginity to me and I felt like I had taking advantage of her if I left then. I was excited when I proposed to her a few years later, but always felt like it was a bad idea deep down and yet something I had to do because we lived in different countries.
After our first two children were born things had reached a boiling point and I was ready to divorce, yet ended up staying because of the children. Same happened after the next two children and I started dreaming about what my life would be like if she wasn’t alive, but quickly realized that I would be totally doomed, since there’s no way I could take care of the kids while working – I rely so much on her. I started thinking about how to commit suicide instead and even got a very large life insurance policy with the goal of waiting it out for three years and then killing myself, making sure she and the children would live comfortably without me having to endure the lack of attraction towards my wife. I was too much of a coward to do this and ended up canceling that policy.
We have sex varying from 1-2 times per week to once per month, although both her and I have high libidos. She repeatedly complains about the lack of sex and I’ve taken it as a chore to ensure that she gets enough of it, even though I practically have no interest in having sex with her. She knows something is wrong and has accused me of porn addition, low testosterone, depression and being too dedicated to work to engage in sexual activity. Everything else is false, but I confess being sad almost all the time mainly because I’m married to someone that I find physically rather repulsive.
Our relationship has developed a balance where she gets up with the kids to make them ready, we both go to work, and after we come home I spend my evening with the kids and put them to bed while she engages in kid-free relaxing activities. If we end up crossing paths in the evening there’s a 1/4 chance we’ll end up having sex, but usually by the time the kids are all in bed she’s luckily asleep and then I can blame the lack of sex on us having no time for it. When we have sex the only way I can come is sadly if I think about some of my exes or some other women that I find insanely attractive and that’s after great difficulties. She comes practically every time seemingly effortlessly.
I keep reading stories about people getting married without loving each other and around half the time the parties eventually “learn” to love each other, but whenever I read stories where one party isn’t physically attracted to the other that attraction almost never seems to materialize later on – unfortunately. It’s incredibly painful to be in love with someone who you’re not physically attracted to and who you could spend an endless amount of time cuddling or eating with or going to the movies, but never want to kiss or to have sex with. I truly wish I could love my wife the way she loves me – wholeheartedly and both platonically and physically – but I can’t. My life is otherwise great with many healthy children, very high annual income, great living conditions, very few problems, but at times I feel like I could give it all just to be with someone who I love the way my wife cares for me.
I totally get it. I married such a great man and he cares for me so well. He’s honestly not that bad looking, but he has never done it for me physically. Sex is a chore. I feel horrible for feeling this way. It bothers me all the time and I cry in private and have also considered the suicide thing, but that would hurt too many people.
I also could have written this myself. I’m 52 and married 20+ years with 3 kids. I dont think the kids will ever forgive me if i leave.
Thank you.
I’m at a loss. I thought I was the on.y one. I thought I was broken. I’m devastated that this is my reality. And the thought of this being my forever is so sad. But I feel selfish to leave someone who is such a great friend and provider. And I’m trapped because I’m older and need him for my security. I’m such a sexual and passionate person. I would love to have an open marriage, but he could never survive that. What do we do?? I know so many people have done at his…I just never thought it would be me.
I have just been told that I’m the unattractive husband. Similar story married 14 years, both been faithful, kids, we are great friends and have a healthy social life together. I’ve always known that I married ‘up’ as she is a beautiful woman but I feel like I can hold my own physically too. I’m funny, charming, successful and seem to have the attention of the woman in the office BUT she has never been very sexual with me and I felt she was just generally cold and disinterested. You question what is wrong with you, could you work out more, am I not tall enough (she is taller then me) but I never imagined she felt as others on this board do that I’m just not attractive to her.
I am happy to field questions about what it feels like on this side and maybe bounce ideas off me for building that attraction but as we go to counceling in a few days, I feel hopeless with the love of my life and long term goals all feeling extremely uncertain.
Has anyone successfully managed to become attracted to their partner for the first time after being with them forever?
Thanks for your vulnerability.
My husband also wants to work on things and try to “woo” me back. In my head, I want this. I love him and want to be attracted to him. But the thought of him working extra hard not only makes me feel more guilty, it also repels me.
I’ve realized I was never attracted to him. He treated me well when I had low self esteem and as someone raised in the church and in a covertly abusive home, I just always did what was expected of me. He fit the bill. We’ve been married for 16 years and have 3 kids. Sex didn’t matter a ton to me when we were in the throes of babies and naps and busy toddlers, but in the last couple of years my drive has increased (also due to my age and hormones). So now I finally want sex, and I think about it all the time, I just don’t want it with him. 🙁 I think I also have an aversion because of all the times we’ve had sex when I didn’t really want to, or just did it to get him off my back.
I had a customer at work a few weeks ago who I felt an instant chemistry with. I’ve thought about him every day since, and I feel so badly about it. I want to feel this way about my husband but I don’t and never have. The thought of counselling to make me feel that way feels soul crushing.
It’s a shitty situation for everyone. We both blame the church for a lot of this, because it taught us to marry for the wrong reasons. I don’t know what to do. I don’t think sexual attraction can be forced or created. I just don’t.
How can I be added to this group? Thanks so much.
Hi,
I’m so sorry but the group has been archived as it wasn’t being used.
Wishing you all the best.
I don’t know if anyone is still reading the comments, but I will feel a little better writing this even if no one reads it.
I’m a man and you can imagine how I found this blog and discussion. My wife recently told me she’s never been attracted to me. I didn’t ask whether she was but I initiated a conversation about our almost nonexistent sex life and the topic of attraction cam up. Or the lack of attraction on her part. I was numb when she told me she isn’t and has never been attracted to me. She kept asking me to say something, but what could I have said? I understand? It’s OK, honey?
I’m deeply hurt and I feel lied to. I think, objectively, I was lied to for 14 years. Her admission doesn’t change my opinion of her. I think she’s a good person who either doesn’t feel attraction for me now and needs to believe she never did, or she never did but dated and married me believing she would. Or perhaps believing a marriage was more a partnership than a romance. She didn’t set out to hurt me, but I’m in a lot of pain and I think she kinda caused it, you know. Anyway.
We’re talking again tonight and I’ll be telling her I’m leaving. She says she doesn’t want that, and I believe her, but it’s what I want. What I need. Someone up the page asked about why a man wouldn’t stay friends with a woman under these circumstances. I assume that means more than civil, but actually friends. All I can say is that when my soon to be X asked if I have to leave can we stay friends, I asked her if the past several weeks seemed like the basis for a friendship.
Some day I suspect I’ll appreciate her honesty. I’ll be OK in the long run, and I’m optimistic enough or foolish enough that I’ll trust another women to not…..well I’ll trust another woman. But right now I wish she had had the courage to leave and tell me a lie, instead of this ugly truth.
Someone’s still reading this. I went through a similar experience as you a few years ago. It was a shocker. I thought “why in the world did you marry me?!” Since then I’ve understood better why she did, because she thought I would be a good husband and father, but it still perplexes me. I feel like this is as important to “confess” to your fiancé before marriage as it is to mention previous sexual relationships and trauma. There should be no major skeletons still in the closet at the marriage alter and I think this is one.
I know this post is old. I wanted to post even though I’m not married. I’ve been in a series of monogamous relationships since I was 15. I’m 21 now. By series I mean that I usually get “bored” around the 1 year mark, stick it out another year, and then find the courage to leave (because I’ve found a new exciting person, who I inevitably repeat with). I am a junior in college, we’ve been together 2.5 years. I left my previous long term relationship to be with him. We dared the summer before I went to college (on opposite sides of the country) and I told him at the beginning I wanted him to be a fling. I was never sexually attracted to him. I just made myself think so (probably because of the excitement) but I did attatch myself to him romantically. We’ve been long distance and our whole relationship I’ve been telling myself the distance is to blame for my lack of passion. And he is deeply and irrevocably in love with me and perfect in every compatible way and always tells me he loves and I know he means it. I feel so guilty. But we have been living together at his parents since quarantine for the first time. And at first I was excited. But there is nothing. Mo passion, no sex. Except occasionally. But I think it’s hot to initiate but I feel no desire to do that with him. I’ve stopped enjoyi kisses and hugs more than just comfort. And cuddles feel like a nightly chore. I can’t imagine living my life without passion but so many people say that you should stop believing in love that way. We even opened our relationship because I thought I was just missing sex. But I havent had sex. Just talked to strangers on the internet. And realized, I feel more attraction through the phone then I ever have with my bf. I feel so so guilty. And I feel horrible because his parents are my best friends. And I love his little brother like my own. But I love spending time with everyone but him when we go out. And I know I have to leave. I do. I will. But I have nowhere to live during quarantine and I feel bad that I have to continue using him like this.
People are still commenting it seems, so I will add my story.
He was safe, stable, sane, sweet, smart… everything except handsome. I always wished I had been physically attracted from the start, but that was never there. My upbringing made me believe those concerns were shallow, so I swept it under the rug. I have a high sex drive and generally find desire to be a turn-on, so our sex life was actually enjoyable, although—this sounds awful and I feel bad for writing this— I prefer not to look him in the face. I wish I enjoyed kissing my partner, but I usually try to avoid it. We are great partners and companions, truly best friends, but it is feeling more and more platonic for me.
Fast forward to recently. Weeks ago, I locked gazes with someone I’d seen around the neighborhood. He was an extremely handsome man who always seemed to be glancing at me or trying to catch my gaze, but I had always purposely avoided looking at him, because what good could come if it?
Well, that day I felt emboldened and impulsive for some reason, and finally met his gaze. It was the first time I’d had a good look at him and I was positively spellbound. We stared intensely at each other for an eternity, and then he began to approach me. I broke my gaze away and avoided him when I realized he actually intended to come speak to me. I was simultaneously electrified and distraught that this was the hottest encounter I’d ever experienced with another man in my life. And I’ll never be allowed to pursue that connection.
I could barely sleep or eat for a full week. I confessed to my husband what had happened, how I had felt, and it broke his heart. He is doing his best to help out more with the kids now to relieve some of the stress I have, and try to protect my sense of individuality, but I still feel mournful over not being able to explore such a natural, powerful attraction as that.
This is what I’m feeling right now too! I’m so angry and sad that because of the purity culture I was raised in, I missed out on so much in my twenties. I rarely dated and never had sex with anyone other than my husband. Now I’m finding that I’m bored, disconnected while having sex, and generally disinterested. I feel like it should be better than this. But I don’t know first hand.
I am a wife coming to terms with something similar but my situation is different from the other examples. No man ever approached my when I was a teenager right up until 6 weeks before my 20th birthday. My self esteem was rock bottom as a result, none of the usual experiences of teenage girlhood and I thought I was literally a monster. I had come to terms with never engaging in any sexual act. I was also coming to terms with the fact that I am bisexual- but also that it didn’t matter because I’d never be with anyone so I didn’t need to tell anyone. I thought it would be ridiculous to tell people, they would just think so what? No one will ever sleep with you anyway! Anyway the first man to approach me was my now husband. He was my first kiss, 6 weeks before I turned 20. I have felt sexually excited with him many times but only when I simply focus on his penis (sorry too much info!). If he tries to connect with me directly I cringe. He has bad teeth that have always repulsed me and I don’t feel any attraction to the rest of his body. We have been together 11 years now and we are trying for a baby and struggling. It’s made things a lot worse for me because I am trying to keep it up within all the time and forcing myself through it when we’re on a ‘fertile’ day. I have felt the sexual chemistry that people are taking about but only ever in secret with people who I think would never have considered I felt that way. So I’m unsure how I know that something is missing really, I just do. I love my husband so much. We are best friends in a really intense way. No-one know or understands me like him. I don’t know why that doesn’t make him attractive to me? I would be very scared about leaving him- I don’t know if I could live with breaking his heart but also so much of my own happiness is tied to our relationship I don’t think it would be worth the sacrifice.
Just seen this thread
This is my situation
Is it still active??
Hi Louise,
The thread remains active.
When I first met my husband, we were teenagers and he was my security blanket. I latched onto him and him onto me. I never felt comfortable with him around others & sexual encounters felt… strange. I would be performative with sex because I didn’t understand it. I never knew it should feel natural with someone you had chemistry with… I thought sex had to be forced. I wanted him to lust after me & that was my main objective in our relationship. I realized now that I was suffering from limerence and wanted him to accept me more than I wanted to be with him.
Anyways, we got married bc my father threatened to cut me off if we moved in together—I wanted, needed, to move in with him bc I was terrified of being alone.
Now we are married with two toddlers & I met someone else who I click with effortlessly. He makes me feel so good and I love being with him in public (something that has always been awk with my husband… hard for me to understand why). Anyways, I told my husband about the crush & now we are going to counseling.
I am convinced the attraction and chemistry will never be built. It seems like we are just wired differently and it will never work between us.
Other things in the relationship are good… we have great trust and he makes me feel safe.
I feel that I want to leave him because I want the love I have felt with the new man for myself AND for him. I truly don’t know if I’ll ever be able to give it to him.
I relish the idea of having a year solo to work on myself and truly discover who I am and what I actually want.
Wow I think it’s crazy and so telling of our society that so many people have had this same experience. I am in my late twenties, have been in several long term relationships, and have been in my current relationship for 2 years. We are engaged. I never felt much attraction to him, he isn’t ugly just never gave me butterflies. I don’t get the same kind of satisfaction out of sex with him that I have with past relationships (exes that mostly treated me badly). I am so scared about marrying him and being in a relationship the rest of my life where there just isn’t a spark, on my side at least. He is head over heels for me. I’ve ignored it the last 2 years but getting engaged recently has me thinking about it constantly, fixating. I love my fiance- he’s kind, fun, funny, we have similar interests and values. Why does sexual attraction and chemistry have to be the end all be all? Ya it would be nice to have more fulfilling sex but do you HAVE to have awesome sex to have a happy life? I would be heartbroken to leave the relationship- he’s my best friend, we have two dogs together, and we are both getting older with prospects for finding someone else, marrying, and having kids dwindling. I don’t want to hurt him. Can you have a fulfilling marriage without insane chemistry? Is it possible to purposely put less value on physical attractiveness and focus instead on the good parts of a relationship? We put so much value on attraction, physical appearances, and sex. Is it possible to make yourself, through practice and time, ignore those aspects and choose to focus on the positives of a relationship?
As tears well up, I’ve found what I was looking for. THIS. Me and my husband have been together since 16 and 18 (15 years as I write this). Always had a sexual attraction to each other, or so I thought my attraction was to him. But it’s not, I don’t think it ever was. When we would have sex, I am always off in my own world and imagining other things to make sex enjoyable for me. I’m 31, and finally really opening up about all the horrors that happened to me in childhood up until I met my husband. I didn’t realize how much I needed to revisit these occurrences until I was confronted with how lacking our sex life is. I always said, “oh it’s because of the kids (we have 2 girls)” or… umm… I guess I always say because of the kids! Lol. Now that I’m digging into it, it has a lot to do with not receiving proper counseling after the occurrences during childhood, and having 2 daughters now. It is constantly on my mind of how badly I worry about my girls safety. I am finding that I hate the horrible things that happen to girls, women. I hate the way Hollywood and the media brainwashes us into accepting certain awful things as normalcy. And I feel like it’s made me hate men. But I love my husband to death! I couldn’t imagine sharing my life with anyone else. I love him so much, but I think what helps is this… I was told that “men are physical beings and women are emotional beings”. When I think of my husbands body, I feel nothing. I feel no physical sexual attraction (probably because of the sexual abuse by males), but when I think of how he takes care of us, the sacrifices and compromises he makes, the amazing teamwork we have in so many things, especially parenting (I guess this would be compatibility?) I am so emotionally attracted to him, like in my soul. And I don’t know if men can understand that feeling. Maybe it has something to do with becoming a mother. Anyways, thank you and your friend for this post and not taking it down. It looks like it has helped a lot of people, including me. Much love and cheers to healing!!
Hi and thanks for commenting.
I’m so sorry you’re having these difficulties. I just wanted to draw your attention to this post in case it helps you.
Wishing you and your family the very best.
Wow! Thank you so much! The information is so helpful. I’ve always wanted counseling but wasn’t sure where to start. Now I know exactly what I need to look for! Thank you again! I appreciate you and all the work you do!
You’re so welcome, I’m so glad it’s been helpful.
Wishing you well.
I could’ve written this post.
In high school, I was sexually assaulted and told no one for 7 years… I couldn’t bear the judgment and humiliation. Two weeks after the assault, my perfect match asked me out. I wasn’t interested but decided I’d date him for 2 weeks, then let him down gently. As it turned out, we were perfect for each other.
Fast forward 2 years, and he cheated on me. We had all the same friends, and he won them in the breakup. Looking back, I realized that subconsciously, I never wanted to be that hurt again… and that kept me from finding a truly compatible and sexually attractive mate.
It took me 17 years to get over the relationship and emerge from the clinical depression. In the meantime, I was engaged to 1 man who cheated… I broke it off. Then I dated and married my partner (16 years) who I’ve never been attracted to. In fact, (and I hate to put it this way), but I’m out of his league. He’s told me this and many, many people have told him and me this. Looking back, I think this was intentional.
The trauma of what I went through in HS was more than I could ever bear again. I thought by finding someone less accomplished, less attractive, and less hardworking than I would lead to his loyalty. Oh the irony… he cheated on me a few years back. Meanwhile, I have always been 100% faithful to everyone I’ve dated/married.
Yes, his affair hurt, but nowhere near as badly as my high school boyfriend situation. I was fine within a year. In essence, my approach worked… the worst happened, and it was no big deal because I don’t actually like my partner like that anyway. If I could just rid myself of this persistent empty feeling.
I’ve also noticed that I never introduce my partner (or past exes) to friends or coworkers. I keep things very separate, and I think it’s because I don’t want to loose anyone in a breakup, and I don’t want to risk my partner cheating with a friend (which my HS BF did). At this point, we have wonderful children and a comfortable routine, but I feel absolutely dead inside.
Is this what responsible adulting is supposed to feel like? Is this as good as it gets for me? Am I just that damaged? I’ve pondered these questions everyday for the past 15.5 years, and I’m fairly certain I made a mistake, but what do I do about it now? Ride it out in the closet for the next 40 years? Or upend my children’s lives because I’m selfish and want to feel something, ANYTHING again? I’ve tried SO hard to be attracted to him, but I accept that it’s simply not possible.
I’m not sure if it’s utterly sad and selfish or refreshing and honest to read I’m not the only person that feels this way. Not surprisingly, just like the countless others, I had a traumatic sexual experience as a teen. I’m sure you can venture to guess that means I’m a little crazy. To add to my cause, I grew up with an alcoholic mother who was physically and verbally abusive and my dad left when I was 6. In other words, I’ve also got daddy issues and mental health issues for days!
Needless to say, I felt worthless, I became a drunk, and looked for “love” in all the wrong places as cliche as it sounds. My go to “type” was: tall, successful, but equally messed up, abandonment triggering, and lying asshole. I had no shortage of finding one qualified boyfriend right after the next.. and the next.
I met my husband in the middle of breaking up with another cheater. My husband was short and a little chunky but he was safe, nice and liked to party. We were friends at first because I wasn’t attracted to him. Eventuality, I didn’t like being single for more than a month so I decided to give a “nice” one a try for once.
In our first year, my husband gained 40lbs (190-230) at 5’8” because he got a job in the alcohol industry. I gained 30lbs (130 to 160) at 5’7” too. We also drank heavily 5 out of the 9 years we’ve been together. (I only stopped the 9 months I was pregnant.) We rarely ever had sober sex.
My mother passed away from alcoholism at 56 and shortly after I decided I would wind up like her if I didn’t stop. So I quit drinking 3 years ago, (my husband did cut way back), and I started exercising, dropped all my extra weight and started feeling great about myself for once. I started to feel like I wasn’t worthless. My husband has stayed very overweight despite not drinking as much and doesn’t care much about his personal hygiene (really bad oral hygiene).
The thing is, I’ve been working so hard at changing my life for the better and he’s mostly the same, unhealthy person. The only difference is that I have to have sober sex with someone I’m repulsed by. It’s a head trip and it makes me feel very, very used. I know I should feel lucky in most ways because he’s still very nice, I have a beautiful daughter, a fantastic house in a highly desirable area, and don’t have to work hard to make a living. He says “I’m a lucky man” because he knows I’m more attractive than he is. We hardly argue let alone fight. I love him but I’m not in love or attracted to him. I’m also terrified of hurting my family or him. I’m scared about leaving and how I could manage living in a HCOL area on my own. I’ve never actually been alone before. I’m not sure what’s worse.. leaving a beautiful life with an unattractive man or living a life free but without the stability of him for me and my daughter.
I’m a bit older than most of the commentators here. So my POV is near the ‘end of the road’. My deepest regret in life is that I stayed married to a man I no longer felt attraction for.
We had a holiday romance after I’d had a painful breakup. He seemed like a great guy, really in love with me, did things my ex never did. I think I fell in love with him being in love. He was the opposite to f my ex, which at the time was a good thing.
Unlike some people here, I initially felt some physical attraction. He was tall, had good hair, good teeth. The basics were there. But mainly it was his enthusiasm and romance that hooked me in. He was financially doing ok and seemed stable, which was important to me too.
We married the next year and moved in together. The fights started almost immediately. I think my attraction towards him began to decrease now that we were in close proximity. Or it was more obvious.
We had an ok sex life for the first few years. I found myself thinking about other men more often, but I felt like I should continue to have sex with him as his wife. And he treated me well for the most part.
I never became more attracted to him. After a few years it was harder and harder to keep up the act. Sex became a chore. I started to resent having him touch me. He became more irritable, which I can understand.
Our non-physical relationship also wasn’t that deep. We had a good social life and relied heavily on alcohol and pot to mask things. He spent more time at work. I spent more time focusing on our daughter. Any issues were blamed on stress.
I had several chances to leave and be with compatible partners during our marriage. But I stayed first due to fear of not finding anyone else, then due to the nice lifestyle we had that I naively thought I couldn’t recreate elsewhere, then out of obligation. We tried therapy at various points, but it was only ever a temporary bandaid.
Looking back at my life, I wish I could go back in time and keep what we had as a holiday romance and nothing more. Or I wish I had asked for a divorce when I realised it wouldn’t work. Both of us would be so much happier. I knew he met at least two women who would have given him the passion he desired. But as far as I know he never pursued them out of loyalty to me. I deprived us both of finding real happiness.
It’s easy to relegate sex to the ‘not that important’ drawer and act as if it doesn’t have a profound impact on your life. I think women especially are taught to settle for security and not value sex as much as men. But when you are missing out, you realise that it’s a key factor in a relationship and something that you will mourn the loss of over time.
My advice to any women stuck in relationships/marriages would be to seriously think about whether you are willing to go without this for the rest of your life. If there are young children involved, I understand not wanting to break up their family. But if it is just the two of you, then why stay? Or perhaps consider alternatives (I know of one older couple that did this in their 50s and mostly it worked well).
Don’t reach the end of your life with regrets like I have.
I feel the need to comment even though this post is several years old, I might get lucky with a helpful response. I too am married (5 years) to my best friend. A wonderful man who anyone would be lucky to have. He is a genuinely great person whom everyone loves. Only he doesn’t turn me on. When he touches me, I often wish he would stop, only because I know he wants more and I hate having to work so hard in the bedroom. It’s getting worse. He cannot satisfy me in bed, we have zero chemistry or rhythm. I am getting to the point where I get angry and frustrated and I even made a comment OUT LOUD that alluded to my frustration.
I told him how I am feeling and that I just can’t go on anymore without this being addressed. Is it possible for him to learn how to turn me on? Is it possible for me to learn to shiver with desire when he touches me?
Our marriage is great but feeling very stagnant. When I first married him, I knew the sex was not great. I thought I could always just deal with it, given all the other great things us being together brought forward. I can’t just deal with it anymore, it’s not fair. It’s not fair that he should get everything he wants out of life while I on the other hand have to “suck it up and deal” with things unsatisfactorily.
I also married my best friend but am concerned about the intimacy. He is the best husband in every other way but I feel so low regularly about not having much if any sexual attraction to him. I blame my hormones so we can get on and have hope, and I probably do have some issues, but this is not the entire reason why I am not turned on by him. I don’t know if I ever was, not really. I hate myself for that, and also that I only saw it after it was too late. Maybe that was because it’s all worth it, so long as he is satisfied. I don’t think that’s fair on him but I can’t help it and I DO love him strongly in every other area.
I try to forget it all the time but how? It is meant to be normal and positive to sleep with your spouse. There is nothing wrong with him as a man, he is lovely and my friends have given me compliments about him, fancied him, but I just don’t see what they must see. There is something about him to me that never goes beyond teasing friendship, even though I was very forward with him early on, wanting more to materialise and wanting to be loved. We have no problems going through the motions but my emotions and sensations are not there.
I cried on my wedding day and the night before, because deep down I thought he and perhaps both of us deserved better, I doubted myself and I knew I wasn’t ready to give my all. Emotionally I was holding back. Scarily, part of me still missed my ex and that disgusted me. That break up was very bad for me because of how in love I was. I am guessing that it was not nearly as intense for him, but the trust dried up and so breaking up was inevitable. We had so much fun and shared so much but he was someone who also sadly had not totally got over his own ex, and I suspected him of cheating on me and her previously too. In the beginning I blamed myself for him not being over her, or letting her contact him. Maybe it was my fault because i should be better, more active, exciting, sexier, but now I know he just should not have been dating anyone yet, however good. I think that if you haven’t recovered from your past relationships that you shouldn’t be in the next one, as you cannot make proper judgements, but back then I believed the popular myth that to get over someone you had to get on and be with someone else.
My husband was caring, truthful, dependable, unlike many other men, and we had a lot of big things in common. I was still hurt and angry about how my ex had treated me, saying he loved me, but I did not see then. Now, I am surprised my new boyfriend never saw the signs or questioned how it all affected me. My husband never had issues in HIS past, nor did he hide things from me or make me feel like I had to share him while he flirted around and kept Xs info, so that was great. Like other posts say, we became best friends, but I did not enjoy so much in a sexual way as a girlfriend or fiancé, i can now see, but then I was blind. In my family there was also a lot of anger, hurt and men having affairs but here was a man who was willing to put me first and who thought I was special. I admired and respected him greatly. I still do.
The posts above about not engaging in pre-marital sexual activity have a point, in the sense that you are protecting yourself from being damaged or deeply hurt if sex means something important to you, even though marriages themselves are not fool proof or easy. Sometimes I wish I had never engaged in so much sexual activity before marriage and sometimes I wonder if I ever should have got married at all. I wanted to get married, I knew I could commit and be faithful, and I wanted to move on but my heart remained broken and in pain even though my body and mind went forward, living as if I could deal with it. It took so long, because of burying things, to begin to recover. Even now I am working with the damage, but I wished I had been able to shed some of the damage back then, before I walked down the aisle. It wasn’t fair but I thought if i don’t do it now i will miss out.
I am so sorry to hear of all the abuse cases, either in teen years or at any other time. Technically I suffered no abuse, but the negative image my family gave me about how a woman should be, as well as my insecurity about not being enough did affect me and shape my choices. I think although I married my best friend, I also wanted to protect myself by telling myself I could live without certain things, that it did not matter if I never felt that spark again or had great sexual relations.
And? It does matter. I am struggling frequently now because what is small if you have it, is also massive if you don’t. Sexual chemistry as someone said, is very little on its own in the grand scheme of things, but to not even feel overly excited on initially entering a relationship or marriage honeymoon… isn’t that odd, or isn;t that person instead called a good FRIEND? I don’t know how I am going to live the rest of my life but I will try as much as I can not to hurt anyone anymore. I would never want to cause my husband pain, I want him to feel attractive as others would undoubtedly see him, but I thought I was doing the right thing and I thought my feelings and emotions could change. I thought to begin with that his love for me was enough to sustain us until my sexual side grew. Now i don’t know what to do.
I don’t believe in any sense that this is worthy of divorce but it feels like a huge piece of my heart is simply unable to mend, irrespective of the past now, because unless I change my view of my husband how can we improve in that area? I don’t feel anything positive having near to emotionless sex. I want to change so much and I feel so guilty. I would not have wanted anyone to marry ME in the state I married my spouse, saying yes if they had doubts or if he did not think I was that attractive, but then I had a broken and wrong view of life. I did not see, I thought there was something wrong with ME as a person, that I was in need of being fixed and also protecting myself, I was being ungrateful wanting it ALL in a partner, whereas now it’s too late whatever i think. I hope the future holds better things for us.
I am glad I am not alone, this blog has been helpful, if only to be honest in a way that you cannot be without anonymity. Hopefully somehow we can be an encouragement to each other, that the unfeeling spouse is not a monster, but a hurt, scared, and hopeful person who not only wants to change for the better, but DOES love their spouse in many ways and never actually wanted to cause anymore destruction. Thank you.
Has anyone found a response to this situation that leads to a happy and healed marriage?
I am in the same position. I have 3 children of my own abc my husband came into my life when I really needed support. He’s an amazing person. I never have been attracted to him, i have to force myself to show affection. I’m starting to feel repulsed by him and I feel sooo terrible for that he’s a great man. I feel so alone and depressed
Thanks so much for sharing this post. I finally feel seen.
I married my husband just one month ago after dating for 3 years. We’re absolutely best friends and love each other so much, but have very little sexual chemistry. We have sex maybe once a month at best, but even when we do, it’s unsatisfying for both of us. We went into marriage knowing that our sexual chemistry is off, but since we’re both 33 and want kids, we decided to take a leap and move forward. We both have mental health issues and understand and support eachother so deeply. It was hard for either of us to imagine starting over and finding someone else equally as understanding, loving, and supportive. Additionally, though not raped like the author, I’ve had many traumatic sexual experiences and partners. Like her, it was such a relief to find someone who made me feel safe and secure.
My husband is insanely loyal, devoted, patient and sweet. We share a sense of humor and many common interests. I can’t imagine a better future father to my children. He’s the man I want to co-parent with – but wow. I really don’t want to have sex with him. I never really did. I was attracted to him in the beginning and had a crush. In fact I pursued him more than he did me. He rejected me sexually a lot in the early days of our relationship and I eventually put up a wall and stopped wanting it. When we did have sex, it was never great. I kept telling myself it would improve as our love and commitment grew. Unfortunately, I’ve only become more unattracted to him physically, and when we do have sex, I find myself thinking about others and not being able to connect with him. He feels the same towards me. We’ve been in couples therapy for many months and are considering seeing a sex therapist, but I’m so depressed.
I think deep down I was hoping marriage would change something- that with all of the questioning gone, we could finally experience intimacy on a new level. I was also hoping that the pressing desire to start a family would give us both something to be excited about. After all- the excitement around co-parenting together is really what sealed the deal for us to both to take this next step.
But now, a month in and I’m terribly confused and sad. Efforts around date nights and therapy don’t seem to be helping. Instead of feeling excited to get pregnant as I did before, I feel scared. What if it never gets better? I miss desiring. I miss being desired. I miss really good sex. I’m devastated that this part of my life seems to be over. And at the same time, I can’t imagine a life without my husband, or raising kids with anyone else.
This blog has been so helpful, it feels like I’m commiserating with many people in my situation. I’m with a man who is 14 years older than me that I’m not attracted to. He is very good to me yet he annoys me constantly and I feel disgusted by him because he looks really old and reminds me of my dad. Pretty much everything about him annoys me, which is really sad for me. I used to really like sex and now I avoid it like the plague. I relate to what many women have said about being with a man because he was good to them. My first husband was a sociopath and very abusive, and a boyfriend I had afterwards was a total mooch who did nothing to help me (I have 5 kids). Then I met my husband who was responsible, caring, thoughtful, and understanding, which was so unlike my previous relationships, andit was so easy to slide into a relationship with him. He took me to dinner, helped me with things around my house, and said the nicest things about me. I struggled knowing that I wasn’t attracted to him, but other guys I was attracted to were horrible. I thought it would be okay, but I don’t want to be around him, to have him touch me, or to even look at him. I feel terrible and I don’t know what to do. I always think about leaving him, but he built us a million dollar home and makes me life easier. He even got a facelift to make him look younger, but there’s nothing that can change all of the annoying things that he does. I can’t even listen to his laugh it’s so annoying. I guess I stay with him because I don’t want to hurt him. I have a good job and could easily leave, but I just don’t. Thank everyone for listening.
Can I please just ask one thing of all of those feeling this way. Please be uonest with your partner. I am coming from the other side of this. My husband says he has all of these feeling for me, but there is literally nothing there. I can clearly see there is no attraction etc from him. To him I believe he loves me, wants to be with me and us happy in the life we have, the house, the closeness, the friendship and the children etc, but there is no physical or sexual attraction.
I guess I have always suspected it, but it took him having an affair and discovery that he had been coming on sexually to other women for me to realise it won’t work. Sooner or later all of you will find someone you are attracted to then will either be unhappy yourself or end up in an affair.
Sit down with your partner, be open and honest about your feelings and decide what the future holds between you. Don’t just use them until someone comes along that ticks all the boxes.
Attraction is a choice. Go on, beat me over the head. I married a woman that I was not attracted to physically. But I knew when I married her what I was getting myself into. Imagine my surprise when she decided she wanted out because she wasn’t attracted to ME! I became attracted to her because I chose to be. I don’t think women are any different in their ability to do this, because I’ve talked to enough women in my life. NOBODY stays attractive forever, so get over it. Choose to be attracted and get over yourself.
@Joe,
Wow. I don’t think anyone wants to beat you over the head for your comment, because that is your free opinion, but I think the whole becoming attracted to someone just because you chose to only goes so far.. People either have an unspoken chemistry or they don’t. Even if that just means they are on the same wavelength or they can compliment each other uniquely, they can either do that at the right time, or they can’t. For both to feel a similar level of satisfaction or pleasure is not as easy as you are implying. Finding someone else sexually attractive actually has a lot less to do with personal appearance type anyway, and more about how they use their body language, facial expressions, voice, overall attitude etc. You can’t successfully trick yourself into finding something attractive when you don’t, but you can opt for it anyway. I don’t see how you can force yourself to go beyond liking someone to in effect lusting after them, particularly as in a lot of cases, (on here) in a marriage environment it is difficult for one spouse to even be entirely honest without feeling too vulnerable, fearful or causing upset. You can get on with someone, yes, you can go through the motions. Or if you love sex like you are willing to use your partner like a thing, a machine, then maybe it can be said that you can choose.?! However, you cannot force your natural likes and dislikes any more than you can force which flavour candy you like or why some people like some things while others can’t stand them. While you are entitled to your opinion, it could also lead those who are already feeling utterly low and somewhat helpless to carry more guilt. Perhaps you are the one metaphorically beating us who struggle over the head. We made a very difficult choice, and yes we know we have to live by that choice, or at the very least live with it (this blog is part of that) but most if not all of us probably assumed that we were strong enough, that we could shoulder the burden, or that the good times would come at some point. Thanks.
I find myself in the same situation, except I have never experienced sexual assault. My husband and I have been together for almost 6 years and are recently married, less rhan a year. He is a great provider, chef, cleans and takes care of my teenage son like a father would. I recently discovered that the attraction is just not there for me. My past relationships, I focused on the attractive guy who basically wasn’t great for me, but now that I’m in a solid relationship, I just can’t seem to get in the mood and it’s frustrating foe my husband. He feels neglected and unappreciated, but unfortunately I don’t really care much that he feels this way. I’m trying to think…is it me?
I’m glad I came across this blog. I’m a man and in this situation with my partner. We’re not married and been together for 5 years. We’ve had almost no sex since the first 6-12 months and our sex has never been good; we’re simply not a compatible match. Kissing doesn’t feel right let alone sex. She’s attracted to me, so it’s very much ‘my’ issue – and as the man it’s really impossible to fake it. It’s truly gutting as in every other respect we’re a brilliant match; we make each other laugh, share the same values, love each others’ families and friends.
We generally didn’t talk about this and both of us brushed things under the carpet though every few months our lack of sex would come up and she would get very upset. In hindsight we should have addressed this long ago, but the other good parts of the relationship I think allowed us both to go along with things for too long. After 2-3 years of this I finally was honest about the real reason. She was upset but remarkably understanding; I guess she knew deep down what the truth was.
As a result we’ve separated and moved apart to take some time and space. I feel terribly sad about the situation; she was the person I wanted to be with and grow old with. It’s incredibly frustrating that this intrinsic, fundamental piece is missing, so I am preparing for this to be the end.
Honestly, I feel like this has less to do with history of sexual abuse and something that just exists. Women are becoming their own, they realize that they can do everything on their own. Most people feel like this, because we’ve been sold the lie of getting married. It’s not natural….what you think it’s a coincidence that all of us females feel that funny tingle down below for our coworker or the dad we see once on a while at school? 7 billion people in the world and you think you married the wrong guy and the neighbor just happens to be the guy for you? We all feel this, only not everyone wants to admit it. Marriage gets boring, we crave novelty and passion just as much as we dream of dying with our best friend. We’re mostly shallow people and it’s because we’re animals. We want hot passionate sex and you’re likely not getting be that from your spouse. Maybe there’s a few lucky people, but it’s astronomically rare.
We mostly will all die feeling alone with someone right beside us. Regret not leaving…and regretting that we left as well.
It sucks, but it just is. We want what we can’t have.
My heart sank reading this. Because I am in the same place with my husband. I actually am almost in the exact same position even to the downward spiral of life before I met my husband . When I met him was my safety my stability I needed at the time. I feel guilty all the time. I am happy but never fully. I feel as if I will never get the fireworks or the passion. I blamed my upbringing or my attachment style. But. I have had passionate love before. But never with my husband. I feel stuck and find myself depressed often because I feel like “ I am missing something”. I do go to therapy every week and I want to figure out why or how I can fix this. I like my life with him but get quickly turned off by my husband and just get disappointed. Ughhhh. If I find out anything else, or what my therapist says….I will let you know!!
I could have wrote this article.. Freakishly similar in literally every way.. But its been 3.5 years since I told my partner whom we have 2 kids with, that I wasn’t attracted to him and never was. He took it rough initially as to be expected, but we’re way past that now. We’re still best friends and we still hug and cuddle on the couch (I still live with him until I’m finished with school) we love each other very dearly. But just the thought of having sex with him repulses me. While I still live with him, seeing other people isn’t something I’m interested in. 110% of my energy goes into my schooling and our kids. And he doesn’t want to see anyone else either. Everything we’re doing is for the betterment of our kids.. if we didn’t have kids then we wouldn’t be living together still.
But like I said, we’re best friends. We do everything together, laugh & cry together, we know each other sometimes better than we know ourselves & we genuinely enjoy one another’s company. So what we’ve got going on works for us. I won’t say everything has always been peachy like it’s consistently been now for a couple years.. but we’ve both grown leaps & bounds with our own character and personal development, having to work through all the rough patches and forging new ways of being, thinking & communicating. I believe our personal growth has truly been one of the greatest blessings that’s come from all of this.
Hi yes. I had been with the father of my son for 5 years. I was attracted to him physically at the start for the first hmm 3 years but then it died I don’t know what changed or what happened but I found my self attracted to other men and wanted more emotional and supporting relationship. I still miss him and think about him, I’m unsure whether to give it another go or not… sometimes I think “no I left for a reason” other times I think “oh my gosh I actually love this guy” I’m in a confused mess.
I’m not in love nor sexually attracted to my partner. And I’ve never been either of those things. I think I chose him because he was safe, and he made me feel less broken and self-destructive. But I’m bored. I’m so bored a lot of the time. He’s a good man. People write their dream qualities trying to manifest a beautiful human to partner with are thinking of this man. He’s kind. Intelligent. Thoughtful. Incredibly romantic. Generous. Handy around the house. Does all the things you want someone to do without ever being asked. Puts me before him. I’m. So. Disinterested in a physical relationship with him and it makes me feel insanely guilty.
What is better, safe and secure, and stable? Or the intense passionate real, in love feeling where you connect mind, body and soul? It feels like an either, or. I’m not young. I’ve had a handful of serious multi-year relationships. I’ve never found all those qualities in one person. I’ve sort of resigned myself to it being a fact that a person will have to choose. Some lucky few might get it all, but I think a lot of people settle. So, I think I’ll settle for the safety, but every day at least once i find myself wondering what it would feel like to risk everything, to let go of the relationship, for even the smallest chance of finding it all. But I’m too chicken shit.
I love my husband. Like a woman should live a husband, but he just doesn’t trip my trigger, so to speak. For a long time, I just thought I couldn’t be aroused. I know, now, that I can, but it’s not easy. Unfortunately, I find myself sexually attracted to the type of guy that would have destroyed me emotionally. How’s that for a kick in the teeth? I feel guilty, sometimes, because he deserves so much more. But, I also know that I’m all he wants. Then I feel more guilt. I try not to dwell on it too much. We’re happy. We laugh. We bring out the best in each other. That’s what matters, right?
My wife of 14 years told me 3 years ago that she isn’t physically attracted to me and never has been. This has hurt me so badly and since that day my self esteem is zero. I love my wife with all my heart, she’s funny, pretty, intelligent and my best friend and someone I wanted to spend all my life with. I have been broken ever since that day and after three years of trying to deal with this daily in my head I ended the marriage today. I feel sick and very upset but I can’t spend the rest of my life with someone who doesn’t feel the same way about me. I told her that I wished she told me this from the start and I got called ‘shallow’.
I feel there has been a vast difference for years in more than just feelings but also effort in the relationship and being left feeling wanted. Finding this out basically answered so many questions that I felt physically ill. It’s awful and I’m not looking forward to the future however, I’m glad I found this post and no longer feel alone.
I do think that this is commendable, the self awareness, owning your feelings, and not blaming your partner for your lack of attraction is something to praise. I know many husbands who are friends of mine that would appreciate clarity.
I think that in today’s age where women’s sexual liberation, social media, and the fact that many women have a past history of being preyed upon sexually, discussions and insights like these are very important. You have many men that have a totally different experience with sex, a different expectation of marriage than women.
I was having a conversation with my wife, who relates to our article’s writer, about how attraction and love, more often than not, goes hand in hand for men. And that attraction and the values that women have in partnerships often don’t. The safe environment a sound marriage provides is death row for a fulfilling sex life in marriage for a woman.
This is something that I’ll definitely be making sure my son is aware of before he gets married. It’s something I believe all men should know before going into it because there are people who want a support system/provider (in whatever way) in a husband but don’t think about the effect that dynamic can have on someone who is unfulfilled sexually.
Realizing after some key conversations that the NRE has worn off and that my wife is not very sexually attracted to me (we have been married for two years) it’s put a damper on how invested I am, and how much fulfillment I’ll get out of our marriage. It’s like being best-friend zoned in marriage. It’s a trap she unconsciously laid for us.
I’ve decided that I respect myself and my values more than that. Desire isn’t something to be negotiated. So sexually I’m keeping to myself. And finding fulfillment in parenting our soon to be born son, drawing close as platonically as possible with my wife, and making sure I do what I can do to make myself happy while taking care of my family and responsibilities.
Might not sound like a fair deal but I’ll be fair to her, and remind myself that life isn’t fair sometimes. Glad to be a part of the discussion.
This article resonated with me in so many levels. I’ve been married for almost 26 years. My husband is the most kind, selfless, respectful man I’ve ever known. He’s an amazing father and extremely thoughtful. It breaks my heart to say out loud that I’m not sexually attracted to him…and I don’t think I ever have been. We haven’t had sex in about 5 years. He never has really asked or said much about it. Maybe a few times he’s initiated something and my response wasn’t overly eager… I just said ok fine whatever. Which in return he would say “no, I don’t want to do something you don’t”
I’ve been having an affair with someone I’ve met at work- I’m madly in love with him- our chemistry is undeniable…however he couldn’t hold a candle to the man my husband is.
What do I do with a brain that says your husband checks all the boxes and a heart that flutters and longs for another man’s touch. It’s everything…his smell, the way he looks at me, his touch and the deepest intimate connection I’ve ever had with someone.
I’m miserable because there’s nothing I could say about my husband that’s bad-
This sounds like my life. Was sexually abused as a child. Suffered a rape as a teenager. Headed down a road of drugs and alcohol and promiscuity. Divorced an alcoholic and drug addict who was abusive. I found God and entered recovery and I am now a nurse. Have 3 beautiful children and help others recover from drugs and alcohol. My husband is a dream come true. Hard working. A true devoted father and husband who always put me and the kids first. He is the kind of guy many women who have suffered bad relationships (like me) pray for. I married him and we have a beautiful life but I struggle terribly to be intimidate with him. I often have to sort of prepare for it in my mind and I find myself feeling very anxious as well. Our sex life is awkward and uncomfortable and I just don’t understand it because I have always enjoyed sex and it’s always been a great part of my life. This is my first HEALTHY relationship and I am finding I don’t know how to feel turned on by that. I am looking for some help with this. Some guidance. I do pray a lot and prayer is powerful. Thanks for allowing me to share this anonymously.
I’m sorry you’re struggling.
I don’t often respond here because it’s not my story. However on this occasion I feel compelled because your story sounds very familiar. I urge you to read this post about a condition called sexual anorexia, which may offer you some answers.
I wish you the very best,
Kate
I feel the same way. I have a background also similar to yours. I also don’t want to break up my family because of just me not being sexually attracted to him. I hold onto the hope that when the kids grow old enough we both did our part, we can part ways. I did tell my husband how I feel because I can’t lie. I have respect for him. I even have told him to go out with other women because I can’t give him what he deserves. He holds onto to hope that I change my feelings towards him.
I was sexually assaulted also. I was 18. Had no thoughts of sex in my future at the time. I had a ten year plan of college and travel. Nothing else. I was raped and had a downward spiral of really bad choices and one day I ran into a childhood family friend and we started hanging out and catching up. I at the time had no interest in him other than friendship. His presence was a breath of fresh air. He quickly became my best friend. I started feeling myself again. He reminded me of the person I was when we were kids. That drive I had. Before I knew it he was my person but almost two decades later I still am not attracted to him. Other than that our life is pretty good. He’s a great dad and never gives up when life has thrown us challenges. He is the best provider and husband. He turned my life around and saved me. He the best person I know. it bothers me every time we are sexually active that I’m not attracted to him but I tuck it away each time hoping I can just deal with it.
I’ve read this and cried. This could be me! I was raped at 15, dealt with it by drink/drugs, completely unhealthy one night stands. Married to a perfect man who has got my back. Have gone through trauma therapy to rebuild my life and I am not attracted in that way. I’m starting to question my sexuality as I seem to fancy women more and more. Maybe its a mid life crisis, not sure how to deal with it or what to do. I don’t want to hurt my husband or my teen kids.
14 years ago we found each other and we were exactly what the other one needed at the time. I was attracted -heavily-, but there has never been sexual satisfaction. However, I ignored that part because my previous relationship was the opposite. I was treated badly and I only felt “loved” when f**king.
Just like the story above, we went on with our lives. We’ve achieved so much together. I effin love him until the end of times. He is my bff. We’ve gone through HELL back and forth a couple of times. I am happy. He is like NO OTHER man (and you better believe it), BUT I am not sexually attracted. At least not all time and not with the intensity I wish -and that he deserves-
There is more to my story (like a lot more tbh):
I am a bisexual (probably pan actually) and polyamorous, but the catch with me is that I am also a demisexual, which means that I can only get attracted sexually to people I share a deep emotional connection, hence A FRIEND.
I always fell for my friends and it SUCKED because this society -founded in the heteropathriarchal model- says it’s not possible to be in a sexual relationship with a friend… and FORGET about more than one partner at the time. So I always ended up the “best friend” hearing how my eternal crushes would complain about how shitty the relationship was with their partners, but how good the sex was and that apparently fulfilled their lives (It always boggled my mind since I am the complete opposite lol). He was the first friend that took the leap and pursued me hard. We fell in love like idiots. We saved one another. I did have my fairy tale, but as time passes and we have evolved, the man I met 15 years ago isn’t the man I need now and he’s aware of it.
He knows all about me. He knows that I am queer af and supported me coming out of the closet. He knows I tend to fall for friends and get deeply involved emotionally with them (he being the clearest example). He knows everything. We have an open-109% crystal clear relationship (included sexual encounters in his case. With me, the sexual encounters are waaaay harder given the way I love and relate to others). We talk about everything, except for that detail. I can’t bring myself to tell him. At least not yet. I don’t know how to without the idea of shattering him (again, the sexual part is very important to most people, especially cis heterosexual men). Yes, something is missing in my life. The “I want to rip off your clothes “ part that I actually feel for another good friend of years that I have never been with sexually (the plot thickens) .
To be fair, I don’t think he feels that insane sexual attraction towards me either. As I said at the beginning, when we met we were looking for things way beyond f**cking like animals.
I have the feeling that one day-not too far away from today- the topic will come up. The universe seems to be preparing us for it. Very slowly, things and situations are unfolding towards that moment. I have no doubt it’s going to be a hell of a conversation, but we’ll get through it, just like we’ve gone through it all. After all, we’re best friends first and foremost.
If you made it this far, thank you for reading my rambling. This is the first time I talk about it out loud.
Cheers!
The day I married my husband I knew I wasn’t sexually attracted to him. But I was 18 and thought I was making the right decision. We have 3 kids now and have been married 17 years. I am still not attracted to him and cringe at the thought of sex. It’s unfair to him and also to me because I am missing out on something great but I chose to marry him, even if it was the wrong decision. He treats me like a princess and He seems like a guy any women would be honored to have. But I am now at the point where I don’t want to break apart our family so I have chosen to stay. It’s not a bit easy but the alternative would be worse I’m afraid.
I feel this so much. I’ve been with my husband 14 years. I wouldn’t want anyone else as a father to my children. I find myself repulsed by him sexually. I’m definitely not asexual. I enjoy sex, but I no longer want it with him. I’m grossed out when he wants to kiss me passionately or if he sweats on me during sex. I have to think of someone else in order to climax. I feel like a terrible person for it. He’s my best friend, but I was never really attracted to him. He’s amazing in every other way.
I feel the same way. I came to him with the idea of open marriage. He agreed. So I’m free to have great sex with someone else. But come home to the father of My child
I am so grateful to have found this article as it has made me feel like something is not wrong with me. My husband and I got together when we were younger, I was 19 and he was 21. My parents were very strict on me and the things I could do so I never really got to “be me” and I honestly had no idea what they looked like. I struggled with making my own decisions, even the simplest ones, because that is something my parents always seemed to nose their way in on. Fast forward, I met my husband and we dated, got engaged, I got pregnant and then had to have a court house wedding because the dress I had bought no longer fit by the time of our original planned wedding date. At the time, my mind was set on getting out of my parents house, being with someone I loved and starting a family. I had this time line in my head and I mostly wanted out of my parents house. My husband was what would consider a “bad boy” for most of his teens and early adult life. I kinda helped navigate him away from that. Though, he had flaws. He was basically an alcoholic and was very childish. He hurt me emotionally with the things he would say, they way he would yell at me when we would argue, etc. He did not help me much, he would get off work and grab a beer then fall asleep on the couch. Leaving me with all the responsibilities. One day, I had enough. I was at an all time low and I decided I going to offer marriage counseling, otherwise, I was out. He told me, that if it was between counseling and me leaving, I may as well leave because he was not going. He though counseling was for the weak. So, I said okay fine. I started looking for my way out. Unfortunately, in the midst of all this, I got attention from other guys that felt “good” through social media in all this chaos simply because I was depressed and felt ugly at the time. I was struggling with post partum depression as well. This ended up in my falling in to the black hole of cheating. I was planning to leave but had not gotten to the stage where I could yet so it is still technically cheating. I wear that shame all the time. I ended up leaving for roughly 6-8 months during that summer and had the TIME OF MY LIFE. I have never lived so much in all my life. I ended up falling in love with someone else I met and he did eventually hurt my heart at the end, but I was free. I was living. I felt alive. But, guilt set in and I found myself back home with my husband and we are trying to work it out. He is doing all the changing, he is truly trying. However, I feel that I am burnt out here. He is a great man set aside any of his flaws. I would feel like a fool to give up our life and break up our family because I missed the new life I had over the summer. But I felt ALIVE. He is very sexual, always has been, and I felt like something was wrong with me, especially after having a child. I thought my estrogen levels had just bottomed out or something. Until the summer. I found that there is nothing wrong with me there, I am just not into my husband. I am good to go if we can just laugh and watch TV. But, when he wants to engage in sexual activities, kiss, etc., I am simply not interested. Like another comment said, I avoid it at all cost. I go out of my way to avoid it. But over the summer, with the person I found, this was not an issue. We could go back to back (TMI, I know lol) but seriously. I would never do that here. If anything, I am just trying to think of other things to help pass the time until it is over. But I feel so stuck. I feel so sad that I may never get to feel the way I did over the summer. In some ways, I miss the other connection and it so unfair to my husband and I feel so stupid. I have not idea what to do and I feel so much like some of these other comments and this story. This is an awful feeling. Seems so minor to some I am sure, but it is a feeling of no other when you are the one living it. I sometimes wish he would just end things so I would not feel guilty of it being over (because “he left”) and then I could go back to feeling free and alive again. The summer was so exciting. I was happy. I was me. It was the first time in all my years I was ever able to feel like myself and truly get to know myself and what I liked and what I did not like. I got to get to know myself. What a liberating feeling it is to be in love with yourself and KNOW yourself.
I feel the same way. I had never dated anyone in high school or had any guy friends. I was too shy and anxious socially but no one had ever asked me out on a date either. After college I became more lonely and depressed. I didn’t go anywhere to meet anyone and all of my friends were married. I prayed to God to help me find someone who would love me for me, someone I could do things with, I didn’t care about his appearance although I did ask that he be a little taller than me. 😉 I met my husband in my mid twenties. We knew of each other but didn’t really do anything socially until his sister, one of my good friends, started talking about his availability. Long story short, at some point during our dating I asked friends and coworkers how I knew I was in love. They couldn’t really give me a list of indicators to check off (which is what I wanted). Then I read something or heard someone say that love is a choice we make. That made sense so I decided that I did really love him. Later on he indicated that he knew he wanted to marry me but he was waiting for me to want to marry him. Again, asking friends and coworkers how I know I want to marry him. Someone said “you just know” and someone else said “when you can’t imagine your life without him”. I thought about all the qualities he had that I liked and realized that this was the decision that I would regret forever if I said no. I proposed to him and we got married. Not long after we got married it started bothering me that I never had an orgasm. We tried everything in the next few years…I went to a therapist also…and nothing worked. I was afraid that I didn’t love him enough. I convinced myself of many things to keep having sex. A few years ago I was unhappy with the sex, again, and decided to try everything, again, including a different therapist.. this time for depression and anxiety as well. In one of our last sessions she asked if I was physically attracted to my husband. That thought had crossed my mind before and I had to admit that I might not. I love him but I don’t know about the physical attraction or how to have an orgasm…20 years later.
What did you do? Stay or leave?
I am in the same situation and I am stuck, do I stay or go.
This was me. Then he cheated on me and left me for someone younger. And I’m stuck paying him alimony because I make more than he does.
Hi. My story may be a little different in the sense that I met my husband when I was 16 almost 17. We started dating when I was 17. I had been sexually active with a couple boyfriends prior. I remember my husband wouldn’t date me officially until I was 17 and having sex with him was kind of a stipulation of being his girlfriend. I didn’t think much of myself then having come from an abusive home. So I wanted to please him. Make him like me. We dated for for a year. I look back now and think about all the red flags my child self didn’t see. He didn’t hold a job. He angered easily. When I became pregnant he was infuriated. We did then shortly after our sons birth marry however. Long story short. We have been married now for 27 years. We have three grown sons. Three grandchildren. I have suffered many years of physical, emotional, and financial abuse from him over past years. Emotional and financial carrying over into recent years. He has been a substance abuser the entire time. Mostly alcohol and Marijuana. I lost interest in my husband sexually years ago.
Just recently after years of feeling alone and lonely a man I am attracted to has noticed me. I know I should feel guilty but for once in 27 years I am happy. Of course now my husband has decided he wants to change. Thing is. He has made promises before so many times and let me down every time. I can’t help but feel like it’s just a matter of time before the other shoe drops. Either way it doesn’t change that I stopped being physically attracted to my husband when he raped me back in 2003. I’ve never been able to tell him or anyone, besides my counselor, and now this forum. Abuse is a game changer.
To the person asking why I’ve not published their comment, perhaps you missed this disclaimer:
I moderate your comments. Anything constructive or supportive is always published. Any comments I deem to be otherwise will be deleted. This is not a platform for criticism – it’s a positive space for sharing and connecting and I will monitor and censor accordingly.
@Kate Tunstall, Fair enough, it is your blog. I mistakenly thought you wanted some differing opinions instead of just affirmation of one another. I thought it might be useful for some of these women to hear that what they are doing isn’t right, for them or their husbands that are living in ignorance about hoe their wife really feels about them.
It’s a very fine line between differing opinions (valid), and victim-blaming (not acceptable).
I appreciate that often the men involved are entirely blameless and have done nothing but be wonderful partners to their damaged wives/girlfriends. I also understand why some of these men would feel very bitter about the resulting situation.
And yet. If you want my opinion (I’m going to give it either way at this stage), this is missing a really important point.
I tend not to get too involved in this thread because it’s not my story. But sometimes I do feel obligated to step in. And in this case I feel it’s appropriate to point out a truth that will likely be hard to hear for some people, specifically some men.
Women being assaulted is abhorrent (hopefully we agree here). It happens far too frequently and far too easily, and the men responsible are hardly ever held accountable. It ruins women’s lives (and arguably men’s too, given your perspective), and I could probably count on one hand the number of women who’ve never experienced some form of abuse at the hands of a man.
The situation discussed in this post is often a result of that abuse. Big picture: the men who abuse are to blame. Not the women – never the women.
Of course innocent men deserve to have a full relationship. Just the same as all women deserve not to be assaulted by men. Except our right is taken away by men – along with our ability to have that relationship men want and deserve.
Ultimately, I will never publish a comment here berating the women who are surviving the only way they know how, having been subjected to the abuse of a man. Women in this situation deserve compassion. They too are going without that full relationship the men writing here crave, only for different and more traumatic reasons. Not in every single case, but granted it is a running theme for many women.
Essentially, while these men do truly have my sympathy, survivors will always have it more so.
When all men start behaving respectfully towards women, this situation may improve. So perhaps any resentful men should redirect those feelings towards the men who created this tragic cycle.
And by the way, I actually deleted a comment from a woman a few days ago which I read to be hugely disrespectful towards men. For what it’s worth, I try to authentically strike a balance.
@Mike,
This is a thread and page for women. Not for men, and although they might feel twinges of guilt around not being able to supply a “full relationship” this page isn’t a place to assert accountability, especially on something that they don’t control. They’re victims of this world sexually and unfortunately, as a byproduct, are the ignorant partners of theirs.
They believe they can’t control attraction. This is more of an exposition, instead, of the female experience. Take it for what you will. And appreciate open honesty from women that likely we would never have heard.
One look at the comment thread and you’ll have the same people that were abused traumatically and have no libido towards their partner have contrasting feelings to men outside of their relationship.
It’s just the sad reality we live in.
Hopefully some other men can come to this page and realize that it’s not “always” them but it might be abuse, sexual assault, a restrictive environment, boredom, the woman changing over time, society, another guy, etc.
Likely if it’s gotten to this point further investment into solving the issue is moot. Focus on being the best platonic partner, coparent, or man that you can be.
“Happy wife happy life”. There’s a life outside of your wife. That can be happy too.
Thank you for getting it and for advocating for women.
The reason she isn’t sexually attracted to him is within HER. The problem as I see it is that he didn’t really “heal” her at all…he simply was the bandaid that she used to cover an infected wound…but the infection is still in there. And even IF she met a man who she was sexually attracted to, she would probably end up right where she is now again with that man.
The sexual assault and subsequent destructive choices she made HURT her in way that she has never healed from. Those of us who have made the difficult choice to actually face our pain and make the healing journey know that meeting someone “good for you” isn’t healing, it’s HIDING.
She has used the love of her husband to cover for the fact that she doesn’t love herself, and his stability as a wall to block off the painful parts of herself that she doesn’t want to see…and as a result, she is disconnected from her very core, from her whole self. That absolutely will disconnect her from true self-love and self-acceptance, which is necessary to feel sexual attraction for (most) women.
This isn’t a “brave” story…this is a story of fear and self-loathing…and I hope with all my heart that she will choose true healing and get the help she needs to stop trying to hide from herself, and to fully embrace ALL of herself, even the damaged parts, so that she can stop blaming herself for what happened and be free to be her whole sexual self again.
I suspect you may be right about much of what you say, and if so she deserves so much compassion. It’s a tragic story, and actually I think it’s very brave to share something so personal.
It’s also really important as there are clearly a lot of people privately struggling with this issue.
It was like I wrote this myself…every, single, word!! Thank you so much. Your story is exactly like my, exactly. Even describing your husband but I didn’t have a love who moved away. I was starting to think I was alone. So again, thank you!!
My situation is different but there are similarities. I also felt grateful to my best friend for providing stability while I changed the world and in the beginning there were fireworks all the time. However, the past 7 years or so I have no sexual interest in him at all. I thought at first it was menopause but I tried HRT and found out quickly that wasn’t the problem. I had desire just not for him. Id rather be alone than do the same boring things over and over. I think I know when it started and why it continues but I don’t know how to tell him. I could live with as friends forever but I’m afraid that part of our lives is over.
I’m a husband and father, and have been recently told by my wife that she has never been attracted to me sexually. She explained it to me about like this article, I was good for her and was what she needed, and I was sure into her. We don’t have great sex because she can’t get into it. I always feel there is something missing (not just during sex). We don’t really have “intimate” interaction or passionate sex, like the sex is almost scripted and I am hurried thru it. We don’t cuddle, or sit close on the couch and we never have more than a peck when we kiss. I had felt that I was inadequate from the beginning, and I always want to do more for her, but don’t know what to do. I want to please my wife. I want to make her feel special. I want her to understand that I don’t just want sex. I want to have sex with her and only her. The truth is it really hurt me learning that my wife had never been attracted to me, I couldn’t understand why you start a relationship without some physical attraction, I still don’t. I don’t like having sex with her anymore because I feel like I am forcing her to do something she doesn’t want to do. I am not sure how things will go, I love her and our son. I do not wish to lose either of them. Can we live in a sexless marriage? I don’t know….
@Anonymous, yeah you can!
You can live that way. And honor her honesty. Many women leave their partners in the dark.
It’s not going to be easy but many people do it. I think that coming to some conclusions about what you prioritize is really important. Resentment is a bad mofo and can really take your joy away. But if you focus on the positives, think about what a great person she is outside of sex, forgive her for saying yes even though she wasn’t all in in the way you thought she was, and move forward.
Focus on you, your son, and squeezing the most juice out of the lemon that is your wife, you can make lemonade out of your life. Don’t let it consume you. And get your bearings. You’ll be okay. Don’t let this ruin your life or your self image. Likely, you never would have been enough for her. So stop making that your life’s work and go from there.
I’m so glad I came across this article. I’ve found it and the comments helpful. I’m a 44 year old woman who desperately wants a partner. 5 years ago I met a man who adored me from the beginning. He was everything I wanted. (Literally – I had a list.) But I was not attracted to him. At first the sex was good. I felt uninhibited because I wasn’t attracted to him, and figured the situation was just temporary. But then I felt obligated to stay with him. He was generous, supportive and encouraging in a way I had never experienced (certainly not from my parents), fun, funny, smart, and did I mention he adored me? He cooked me dinner and washed the dishes while insisting I take a hot bath and relax. There wasn’t anything he wouldn’t do for me or give to me. How could I send a man like that packing? I felt awful for not being attracted to him and my self-esteem began to erode. (Was I selfish? Ungrateful? What was wrong with me??) My heart sank when he asked me to marry him. After 3 years, I was still trying to decide if I should stay or go! I loved him, he was my best friend, and I couldn’t imagine a better partner, but I recoiled at his touch. One night, after being engaged for nearly 2 years (I kept postponing dates), we were having sex and I involuntarily flinched from his smell. (He didn’t smell bad! He had just gotten out of the shower! I’m just not attracted to his natural scent!) I realized I would spend the rest of my life trying to hide my lack of attraction to him, which isn’t fair to either one of us. So I broke up with him the next day. (I didn’t tell him why. I think that would have been too cruel and painful to him.) It was devastating and I was sobbing. That was 3 months ago. I’ve been practically suicidal ever since. I haven’t found peace. I’m heartbroken and in agony. I feel like I burned a winning lottery ticket for no reason. I can’t believe he’s gone and that I’m alone. He was amazing and perfect in every way. If I could drink a magic potion to be attracted to him, I would. I don’t know what to do. I want to ask him to take me back and just deal with not being attracted to him. I do love him and respect him greatly. He was my best friend. The thought of him with another woman devastates me. But reading comments from women who *have* married men they aren’t attracted to eases my panic a bit. Ultimately that’s not what I want. I’m in a lot of pain right now (and I know he is to), but he deserves someone who IS attracted to him (he’s not even bad-looking, he’s attractive!) and I deserve someone I want to have sex with. I’m just scared to death I’ll never find that, and that I’ll regret leaving him for the rest of my life.
@Anonymous, I think that was very courageous. Many people wouldn’t have made the decision you did. And many haven’t. Way to go prioritizing both of your happinesses and not just “securing the bag.”
I’m sure you’ll find your person one day.
I feel like this is my life in a nutshell. Im comstantly stuck between trying to push myself to be more grateful because I have everything that a woman would want, or at least what people tell me, or just contemplating why I rushed into this and went with the safe guy my family pushed on me. He’s amazing, he’s a great partner and always there. But there is no sexual chemistry, we’ve only been married 9 months and I avoid sex for weeks at a time. I do not miss him when we are apart for multiple days or weeks. I feel like a part of me died since we married, theres no rush of emotions or excitement or looking forward to coming home. Its sad. He loves me to death and I dont even feel half as much in return but Im going through the motions of being a “good wife”. But theres no strong affection, not even when we kiss from my end. I feel like he is losing his excitement and charm in life too as he can slowly sense how distant I am. Im afraid of who we will turn into if this continues..I feel stuck, and now Im pregnant on accident. But Im pushing through each day. This opened my eyes that Im not alone, I felt like I was the only one on planet earth going through this because its not something I can speak about. Thank you for this platform for me let it out and observe my feelings.
@Anonymous, @Anonymous, my husband and I have been together 7 years, married for 5, we have a 1 year old daughter, and a “nice” life, but I’ve never been attracted to him.
I’m very close with my parents and he was the first guy I’ve dated that they have ever liked. I remember having arguments about why we were not having sex before we weee engaged, but swept it under the rug because he loved me, has a great job, we had similar life goals and upbringings, etc. Several years later, I found myself googling “don’t like husbands smell” and looking at dead bedroom subreddits. My younger cousin asked me randomly whether he was my soulmate at Christmas last year and I immediately thought “no”, but gave a non-answer. Meanwhile We we’re fighting more and more. I felt like he truly didn’t like me for who I was and he thought I was not supportive and didn’t acknowledge his work accomplishments. He poured himself into his work and I got the dregs. I begged and pleaded for more attention, but it never came.
We had a child last year and it was incredibly hard- I found out I was pregnant in March 2020 and spent the entire pregnancy/postpartum in relative isolation due to covid. He spent more and more time in the basement away from me and we stopped having sex completely at 4 months. I felt like it was pulling teeth to get him to spend time with me, I was so lonely. I told him over and over how upset and unsatisfied I was. He promised to change, but kept falling into old habits and our sex life still sucked. Also- I needed reconstructive surgery after the birth and truly felt like I would be forever sexually broken. One night after a really bad argument, I told him that I was going to have an affair and that’s how this was going to end. Turns out I was right.
I met someone at work who I was attracted to and told my husband right away and demanded we get into counseling. He refused. I told him several more times over the course of 2 months and he refused. I then gave him an ultimatum to schedule counseling by that Friday or I was out. He didnt. The next night, I kissed my co-worker. The connection we have, intellectually and sexually is amazing. It feels so good to be touched, to share deep belly laughs, and to feel beautiful again. Of course he then did a 180 and has been on his best behavior ever since. But I recoil from his kiss. I feel 0 attraction to him despite him doing much better on other fronts. If I could snap my fingers and feel something, anything, I would. But it’s just not there and honestly never has been. I don’t want a loveless and largely sexless marriage with someone who doesn’t really get me. He’s a fantastic father to our daughter and we coparent really well, but I can’t continue this facade. I recognize that my coworker may be a rebound, but he helped me realize that I don’t have to live like this, that I’m not broken and feeing a deep connection is possible after all.
I’m looking at apartments to move out now. Considering everything, we are on good terms. My family thinks I’m crazy and is not supportive. I hope they will come around, but at the end of the day, they don’t have to live my life. I’m nervous but also relieved. I’m only 33. I don’t want to wake up when I’m 50 and regret staying in it for the stability and our daughter. We both have good jobs, everyone will be ok. She deserves parents who are more than roommates. He deserves to find someone who can’t wait to kiss him, and I deserve to find someone who I feel a real connection with. I’ve made several mistakes here, I regret the way this went down, but I think setting us both free is best for everyone. I really hope I’m making the right choice.
I’ve been married for 17 years and until recently I discovered my husband had at least 2 affairs in the lapse of 5 years. Both women have similar physical characteristics and this has me thinking that although he says he loves me, he’s not attracted to me sexually. My husband is an awesome man and everyone likes his personality and friendship. When I discovered of the affairs, I begged him to stay. Now I don’t know if I did the right thing because I worry that he will cheat again because he is not attracted to me. This is very hard!
I relate to a lot of the feelings that are posted here. I don’t quite understand why I have lost attraction to my partner as our relationship is in a much better spot, which hurts me emotionally as well as him.
My partner abused drugs for the first small part of our relationship and I found him on tinder and seeking out other women multiple times. Our sex life was terrible, rarely ever happening. This affected me in the worst way, killling my self confidence as I felt I wasn’t good enough or didn’t have the ability to turn him on. It really hurt me.
Fast forward to now and he has been clean from drugs for about 3 years now, and we have a baby on the way. He is so kind and loves me dearly and is thankful for the me sticking with him through that dark period in his life. He has truly transformed into a better man and works diligently to gain my trust back. He wants to be a good father and husband.
However through those tumultuous times I began to guard myself more and more. Even after getting clean he still sought out other women online, lied to me about it, yet has told me nothing has ever happened. I began placing a wall up to protect my feelings Right before I found out I was pregnant I prepared myself to break up with him as the lying had gotten too far. I detached myself. As soon as I was ready to move on I found out I was pregnant and told him. I also told him I didn’t trust him and prepared myself to move on so this was all very hard for me. The pregnancy and me openly telling him he has pushed me so far away by all the lies he led me with flipped a switch in his head.
He has thrown a complete 180. Working harder at his job, being honest to me, more loving, and wanting to make amends from the past. However even with all of this good change I still feel detached sexually. I don’t feel any desire to connect with him intimately. I really want to, but I can’t seem to get in the right headspace. Our sex life suffers more than it ever has, we rarely have it and it’s always an awkward subject when it gets brought up. I still feel horny myself, just not for him. I do love him as we have overcome a lot together and are leading a good life in the right direction, I’m just missing that spark and desire.
All of the comments are heartbreaking. The common theme I’m noticing is that most people were never physically/sexually into their partner but there is genuine love there from both people.
Personally, I’d like my girlfriend or wife to tell me this as soon as possible. But I’m pretty sure I could sense if her mind was elsewhere while we’re having sex or if she isn’t affectionate.
What a lot of people are describing is “Companionate Love.” Theres actually a theory about different kinds of love (when dealing with a significant other).
Liking- Intimacy Alone
Companionate- Intimacy + Commitment
Empty Love – Commitment Alone
Fatuous Love- Passion and Commitment
Infatuation- Passion Alone
Romantic Love- Intimacy + Passion
Consummate Love- Intimacy + Passion + Commitment
All of these are totally valid, and you see different people get married for any of these reasons. Though I would suspect the majority of people want Consumate Love.
Do a quick Google search of each of these to learn more. I found it helpful because it gave me the words to describe what I was or wasn’t feeling. I was like a lot of people here who thought they were broken or couldn’t find out what was wrong until they read this article.
As mentioned before, I’d like to know from my significant other during the dating stages if she isn’t attracted to me. I truly am fine with being friends but I don’t want to marry someone because of Companionate Love. I don’t want just Romantic Love either because usually it’s fleeting.
Over the years I’ve known a lot of couples who married because of Companionate Love and one or both are missing the sexual attraction and they open up the marriage sexually. Not saying anyone should do it but that is one option that works for some. Basically the idea is that you get Intimacy and Commitment from one person (your primary partner) and true passionate sexual gratification elsewhere. And sometimes being able to allow each other to be with other people sexually and talk about it openly will bring you and your spouse closer and possibly rejuvenate the sex between the two of as well. It takes a lot of work and often times one partner (usually the more extroverted one but not always) tends to have more luck finding passionate lovers. But essentially you have multiple people to fill your different needs instead of just one person. In theory it makes sense but you’ve got to put your ego aside. And often times the hurt is basically “why doesn’t my spouse want ME like that?”
I’m not into open relationships so I wouldn’t want it. I’ve experienced Romantic Love and I’ve experienced Companionate Love. Right now I’m dating casually so it’s mainly Romantic Love/Infatuation. But without that passion component I wouldn’t marry someone because that is important to me in a relationship, as well as Intimacy and Commitment. So basically Consummate Love. This seems to be really rare. I’ve never had it. And sometimes Romantic Love can feel like it but the Commitment is there for whatever reason.
For a lot of my life I experienced Companionate Love. Tons of friends, definitely women who loved and cared about me and I loved them to but devoid of Passion. Sometimes it was from my end, though rarely, but mostly from the women I dated. And to be honest I was the one that always brought it up. I always thought women could never want me sexually because I never experienced it. But I kept on saying no to Companionate Love because I wanted the Passion as well. I consider myself lucky. I’m in no rush to get married. I don’t want kids and had a vasectomy in my 20s so that usually stops it from going into long term territory too because the majority of people have or want them eventually. So I’m stuck in the romantic love side of the triangle. It was a nice change of pace because now I realize there are someone women who do want me sexually and there are some who want me as a companion. Now where’s that hybrid!!!
Jokes aside I truly hope everyone here finds what they need in life. Our struggles may be different but they’re all painful to the individual going through it. One last thing, I learned you have to ask for things you want and go get it yourself. My sex life didn’t change until I asked and looked for things I wanted and walked away when it didn’t match up with the other person. Again this is coming from a single person without kids or a spouse. There’s no such thing as a perfect life. Make the most of the one you have and keep asking questions!
I’ve had this same issue but I deeply, deeply love my partner. I couldn’t imagine my life without him. If he were to leave tomorrow, I’d he devastated and my heart wouldn’t know how to pick up the pieces. He is not really ugly either, I’d say he’s arguably handsome. I think once that newness fizzles out maybe that has something to do with it. I haven’t orgasmed in years. I don’t think you have to be turned on by someone to love them immensely. I wish I could get turned on by him though. Everything else in our relationship is fine. My only complaint is sex sucks and I wish we’d do more fun things together like go to the beach or arcade or goof off.
@Anon,
I agree with you. Sexual attraction and deeply loving someone don’t always go hand in hand and it does come and go with time. In my experience the love is constant though which is a good thing.
I think being able to have fun with each other is key! Adult responsibility does get in the way though. Hope you and your partner get to play some more!
This is me. It’s so strange to read your own story coming from someone else. I’ve been with my husband since I was 16. I’m now 38. We have been married 16 years. 4 kids. Happy and supportive, we get called the “perfect couple” by everyone. But he was the safe choice, I was never, even at 16, hugely attracted to him. He has never (not once) satisfied me sexually. I gave up a very long time ago about ever having a satisfying sexual relationship. It saddens me how easily I gave up. I presumed everyone faked it. I dread sex, it’s boring. I have sex out of duty and because I feel guilty if I don’t. I guess I never thought it would be possible to find someone who could actually do it all: be kind, caring, funny, sexy and actually love me to boot. Now I feel like it’s way too late to do anything.
Well, i’m the husband in that story, after 13years married, we know each other since 23years and have strong friend relationship.
I always loved her, patiently waiting for her to come back after her expériences. Since the beginning sex was a failure,putting much press on our shoulders to have sex, afraid that it don’t work, and it didn’t. We tried a living whatever, build ourselves, became parents, and we did sex and enjoyed regularly (even with many failures) , but i never found the ” On” button on her. I kept suducing, been close, helping at home, 2 children that we both enjoy life with. I’m really attracted by her, she comes rarely to find sex with me.
We thought for years she was just mentally fond of sex (it is really important foe her, even she don’t masturbate and is really, really frustrated) but can’ t connect to her body to explain it. Both of us have a strong love, despite everyday responsabilities, and are both craving for real attraction and sex with each other.
After years of trying, and trying all hypotheses, i went yesterday on an idea : and if i remain stood in her unconsciousness in the ” Friend Zone” fegarding our 10years friend(we were lovers at the beginning of the 23years and last a month, full of love but no sex) , living all she wanted in life but can’ t imagine a sexual attraction to me as i stays her best friend unconscious ?
She’ll consult an hypnotherapist to try unlock the door to the way she looks at me, it is our last clue before a devastating breakup end for all of us.
I hope it will help some of you.
On the one hand it’s comforting to see so many people in the same sexually unfulfilling marriage as I’m in; but on the other hand it shows it’s nearly impossible to fix this problem.
I have been with my husband for 10 years, and haven’t been attracted to him for most of that time. I chose him for security and because he wanted me, after being rejected by others I had cared for in the past .
I was semi- attracted in the beginning; not the kind of tingling, want to rip your clothes off attraction but he was tall and lean, looked great dressed up and we had a decent time in bed even though he never was my type.
After the newness wore off we grew apart, fighting started and sex became a chore. I didn’t want to give up – we had both been married before and didn’t want to go thru divorce . The fighting got worse, my husband got meaner and also started gaining weight. I lost all attraction for him because I found him ugly inside and out. I suggested working out together, doing date nights and getting counseling to rekindle the romance but he rejected all of it – all he wanted from me was lots of sex.
Long story short I kept having sex with my husband to save my marriage, but it’s destroyed me in the process . Forcing yourself to endure sex with someone you aren’t attracted to begins to feel like you’re being violated after a while; it ruins your self esteem, and makes you feel like no one else will find you sexually attractive. It’s probably too late to change my situation but looking back there are things that could have changed the outcome.
On my side I should have stopped having sex with him when I lost attraction towards him instead of trying to save the relationship. It would have made him angry, but it would have forced the issue to the forefront to be dealt with, one way or another and we could have saved ourselves years of unhappiness.
On his side he could have done a number of things to improve my level of attraction for him such as getting fit, taking me out on dates, controlling his temper, and building intimacy. I don’t know that it would have ever made me crave his touch, but it definitely would have made sex enjoyable instead of repulsive.
I know this was from years ago, but hopefully the comments are still read and maybe somebody can give me some insight. This post got me teary, because I’m in the same boat. Other than the author’s past (my husband was my first and only sexual partner) I could have written this myself. So I won’t go into the details of how I love him so much but am not and never have been sexually attracted to him, because I would basically be rewriting the post.
But here’s the thing. I WANT to be attracted to him. I WANT to enjoy sex, and it’s incredibly frustrating and even heartbreaking that I can’t. I have strong desires and urges that can never be fulfilled. I’m so…I hate the ‘h’ word, but THAT…all the time and can never ever satisfy that need.
Don’t get me wrong. He satisfies me in EVERY other way. It’s not like there’s something else I’m missing. He’s an amazing husband and father. We enjoy each other’s company immensely. We go on dates and are best friends. He helps around the house. He’s romantic. We have tried everything to get me to enjoy sex more. (He knows that I don’t enjoy sex, but not that it’s because I’m not attracted to him.) We’ve tried every kind of sexual fantasy that I’ve thought of, other than bringing in other people. We have really gone wild at times, but there’s just nothing. So I’m left with this intensely strong urge that just gets stronger over the years (we’ve been married for 20 years) that I can never satisfy. I have toys and such that I use, but that just doesn’t cut it.
We don’t have the finances for any kind of therapy or anything (our middle son has special needs, so all therapy and psych stuff goes to him). I’ve had everything checked physically, and nothing is wrong there.
I’m just at a loss and it’s only getting worse and I have this horrible foreboding that it’s going to cause some sort of a major problem, because it’s taking over my thoughts more and more. I would NEVER DREAM of actually being unfaithful to him, but I find myself having fantasies of what it would be like, not to cheat on him, but if I was with somebody else entirely, or we brought others into the bedroom with us, or even had an open relationship. Then I feel so guilty because I realize that I’m basically just rationalizing having unfaithful thoughts. I try so hard not to have those fantasies, but they just pop in my head and are so hard not to dwell on.
I don’t even know why I’m writing about this, honestly. I don’t think there’s anything anybody could say to help. Maybe just venting, I guess.
I could never tell him. It would crush him. I can’t break his heart like that. He’s just too pure. He’s too amazing. I could never say anything to hurt him. Plus what good would it do? It wouldn’t change anything. I never refuse him if he initiates sex. I don’t pretend that I’m into it, but I never refuse him.
I could have written this article. My husband and I have been married for 20 years. I met him about 23 years ago at a New Year’s party three days after breaking up with a 3 1/2 year boyfriend. I really wasn’t ready for another relationship. But my now husband was so kind, and a safe place to land. I was never attracted to him though. I even tried to break up with him while we were dating several times but he would woo me back in and I caved. I also had a lot of pressure from my family to settle down and get married. I kind of just accepted that I am married to somebody who gives me everything, except for sexual attraction and satisfaction. It’s not everything right? This is what I told myself. About a year ago I met a man who I became friends with and we were both mountain bikers and started mountain biking together occasionally. I became more and more attracted to him and we had an affair. I know it was very wrong, but I was feeling completely empty at home. My kids were now teenagers and largely independent, my husband was wrapped in his own world and hobbies and was very disconnected from me for years. He caught on that I was having an affair and we have almost divorced twice in the past six months. I have tried to cut out this other man out of my life, but it has been so hard. I feel so connected to him, but I struggle with the thought of splitting up my family. My husband recently found out that I sent just a happy birthday email to him (he has been tracking all of my Internet searches, where I go all the time, etc.) And he flipped out and kicked me out. I am now staying in an Airbnb for about two more weeks. My husband is still wanting to reconcile after he calmed down. My kids are now 13 and 16, and I know they’re older, but I know divorce will still hurt them badly. I don’t know what to do. But I have about two weeks of solitude in this Airbnb to decide.
I just tried to post but am in a bad mind frame and was unnecessarily harsh. Would you mind deleting/moderating it? If not that’s perfectly fine, just couldn’t find the delete button and am sorry to have put out negativity
I’ve deleted your other comment.
Wishing you the best,
Kate
Oh my do I know how you feel. I have been with my man for 6 years. He is a kind hearted man, has a great sense of humor, treats me better than anyone has ever treated me but I am not physically attracted to him at all. He is 72, overweight, and in 2020 he had a massive heart attack and almost died. I was terrified but he pulled through. It was a miracle.
Before the heart attack we had a good relationship but I had never had sex with him. I knew he wanted to and he knew I didn’t want to. I made it very clear. I told him I loved him but was not attracted to him in that way. I told him to see other women. He did, but he only wanted me. After the heart attack he became more and more focused on getting me to be intimate with him to the point where I was going to leave him. Let me be clear here, I never led him on. There was no grey area when it came to my lack of sexual desire for him. I made it very clear how I felt. It was like talking to a brick wall. He would pout and say I didn’t love him and that if I did I would be intimate with him. What!? Didn’t love him?! How could this man say that I didn’t love him I sat countless hours by his side in the hospital and even more helping him to walk, bathe and even eat by himself again. But none of that mattered to him and he would pressure me more and more. He finally told me he wanted me to leave if I didn’t have sex with him. I couldn’t believe after all this time and everything we had gone through he would rather have no relationship with me all than to have a sexless relationship. I was hurt but i felt he must have been too, so I caved. I hated it. But I felt he gives me such a good life why would I throw it all away because of sex? Just as he was willing to do.
We plan to be married in November. He still pressures me and at this very moment is pouting in the spare room. The more he pouts the more unattractive he becomes and the more resentful I become. My friends and family tell me to suck it up because he gives me everything I want so I do but I don’t know how much longer I can do this. My fiance knows how I feel about sex with him and he doesn’t really care as long as it happens. I find it very sad.
@Anonymous, PLEASE tell me you didn’t go through with it?!
Hi, I’m a 42 yr old women who’s been married for 9 yrs and together for 14 yrs. I maybe may be a little different than some of the comments in that I’ve always been attracted to my husband until this last year. In this last year my husband has really let himself go physically. I make healthy food and encourage working out and being active but even when we do those things his “emotional eating” continues and his lack of caring about himself continues. We have dome marriage therapy throughout the years for issues that people have in relationships but always are both willing to put the work in and we always came out of it with positive experiences. My husband is a high level sales executive so his job is demanding, but he also is that type a personality where he has to be the best and it’s come at a cost to him and that cost is where he physically let’s himself go. He walks around with nose hairs and ear hairs, his clothes with stains on them, dirty hats, etc and takes no pride in himself. I know this sounds so bad on my part since it’s only the physical part that I’m suffering with but I’ve always been attracted to him and this last year I haven’t been. I then find myself nitpicking him, getting irritated over petty things and such. I habe a beautiful life with him and he’s a great man and father I just don’t know how to even address the situation. Like I’ve said I cook healthy meals, I ask to exercise or free him up so he can but he always starts of strong then it goes downhill fast and the majority of the times he says it’s because his work is so demanding and he’s tired. Sex isn’t something that’s so important to me but I’m also 42 and want to feel attracted to my husband. Please, any suggestions would be great. Do I leave a marriage because of this? That feels really gross to me that I even would think that. Do I tell him how I feel and devastate him? I just don’t know what to do and I feel if it goes on any longer it may not be able to turn back. I would absolutely never have a affair (I’m not judging anyone if they did) I just feel really strongly about it because I was 17 when I heard my mom tell my dad that she did and our family was crushed and it broke the family up so that’s not a option. Do you just learn to be content without chemistry? I know that chemistry isn’t like it is in the beginning and you habe to constantly work at a relationship and we have but when I’ve tried to help without coming out and saying how I feel and nothing changes what are my option? Desperately trying to figure out what to do….please help.
I mean the problem here is not that she doesn’t feel sexual attraction to her husband, it’s that she sees him as a friend, I don’t think she loves him as her partner, she doesn’t love him in a romantic way, she just saw him as a good man, kind and safe, she used him to be safe, there is no romance, for her it is a friendship, her husband deserves someone who loves him as a husband and not as a friend, you cannot feel sexual attraction for a friend
I could have written this article. I feel so guilty because my husband is soo so good to me. I fell for him after coming out of an abusive marriage and he was just so kind, but like this writer, the sexual attraction was pretty much missing from the beginning. I didn’t notice it for a while because I was so in love with his goodness towards me. Now I’m really struggling. He’s always there for me, always kind, but it’s confusing and weird to have zero attraction. I would never leave him over this reason, so I’m trying to figure out how to get through it and be happy in the relationship. Not sure how yet. It’s a bit daunting to feel like this is it, but I’m lucky to have such a supportive and kind spouse so I try to focus on that.
@Lora, Have you tried her suggestions at the end of the article? I think they are worthy to try also answering the questions
My wife has finally told me that she felt unhappy/something missing then started cheating which made her feel better again now she isn’t attracted to me unless she is actively cheating on me while she’s cheating she can’t get enough of me after she ends the affair she has no interest in me she says she still loves me. Any advice?
This page hasn’t been active in over a year, but I still want to share.
I am the husband and reading the things that have been written here is heartbreaking to me.
I know my wife isn’t sexually attracted to me. I think she was when we first dated, but it didn’t last long. Within a year or two the sex dried up and we haven’t had any now at all in the last 20+ years of our 32 year marriage.
Someone said: “I guess I stay with him because I don’t want to hurt him.”
Ask yourself what hurts more. Being honest with him and yourself early in the relationship or allowing your husband to live in denial before finally admitting it to himself after 30+ painful years of suspecting the truth?
I feel completely used and that my opportunity to find a woman who was sexually attracted to me was stolen from me with decades of lies, excuses, and also – to be fair – a hope on both of our parts that maybe things could go back to how they were when we first met.
It’s on me, too, because I should have left but I let “love” and “loyalty” and maybe a little bit of “fear” overcome logic. If my wife had been honest it would have been the little nudge I needed to get out before wasting so much of both our lives in a sexless and ultimately unfulfilling marriage. I know that’s why so many don’t say anything. We’ll leave if you do. I think we are owed the facts to help us make that decision.
Thank you for your time. I appreciate the honest sharing of experiences. My heart breaks for all of you and your husbands as well.
I was a runaway. Met my husband when I was a teenager. My home life was a storm riddled with physical and emotional abuse and my husband provided me a sanctuary of love and security I so desperately yearned for since I was a child. Saved me from a life rife of drug addiction and homeless shelters. We trauma bonded early on in our relationship. Like the women in my family, I had fallen into the pattern of marrying for pointless external factors instead of someone that sets me on fire, a generational cycle that proved difficult to shatter. I had never gotten to know myself or who I truly was until years down the line. I always envied my husband for the endless notches on his belt in comparison to my measly number of only one. My innocence and naiveté made me believe that I could release my preconceived notions regarding attraction, I figured that this would develop with time. The horror! The truth is my husband saved me from a darkness that lulled me from my grievances of my family, only for me to end up sheltered from the world and myself. I feel indebted to him for all the purity within his heart and the paradise he’s brought me. I wouldn’t have had the grand and abundant life if not for his support and resources.
Moments of fleeting arousal from strangers remind me of the alternate reality I could be experiencing, a world of ravagement that could only be forged inside my daydreams… the only place where they’re safe.
Will I ever know the touch of electricity against my skin, or the lips of another besides from the silhouettes of my mind? I want to find out. For now I’ve reclused to enjoying the simple things in life and to see where this ride takes me. I’m OK. I have to be. I’m happy with myself. This is enough for me. I am enough for me. I just take it one day at a time.