With this new series, my intention is to help foster and nurture an open and profound bond between father and daughter, one that transcends the awkwardness of puberty. (I wrote about it in more detail here.)

And in that spirit, I’ve agreed that once a week I will answer – honestly – any question my husband puts to me.

So, here’s what hubby has come up with for me this week…

HubbyI was thinking about a certain situation, and how it was a bit odd last time and maybe we shouldn’t repeat it. Anyway, it made me want to ask you: cliquiness. Seems to be a (mostly) female problem, can you shed any light? In fairness, this seems to happen around you quite a lot, doesn’t it…

Me: Thanks mate. Yes, you’re right – it does. So let’s talk about it.

Cliqueiness

I can’t tell you too much about it, because honestly, I don’t always understand it. It’s certainly not something I ever wish to be involved in, or want to watch/implicitly be a part of. In my opinion it’s akin to bullying, but with a less juvenile, less inflammatory label. Because it almost suggests a tight group, doesn’t it – and what’s wrong with that?

The Problem With Cliques and Cliqueiness

Well, what’s wrong with it is that, in my experience, it’s a close-knit group to the exclusion of all others, or – often – to the exclusion of one other. And so it does, in fact, amount to the same thing as bullying. Whether by design or by chance, it results in one or many feeling marginalised.

Granted, trying to gain access to an established friendship group can be the equivalent of trying to infiltrate an enemy faction, ie. dangerous territory. You do so at your own risk. I have no idea quite why this is, but few succeed without some battle scars for their troubles. However, the more interesting, less-understood, and arguably less kind situation is when a group comes together at the same time… and then divides.

Let’s be real – cliquey is a pretty way of saying bitchy.

Related posts:

How I Deal With Cliques

What I do know for sure is this: it’s not something I ever choose to remain part of once it’s become an obvious issue. I don’t get it, I don’t like it, and I definitely don’t respect it. So the reason I seem to encounter it a lot may be because I refuse to tolerate it – I prefer to walk away than be involved in a destructive ‘friendship’. I think it’s actually quite common, but lots of people simply accept it as the norm. Not me.

If the friendship is worth saving, I will attempt to resolve the conflict. And if it won’t be a great loss and I’ll be happier without the stress, then I’ll simply walk away.

But why do adult women (or men) behave in this way in the first place? Now there’s a question to which I’d dearly love an answer. I have great fears about the prevalence of bullying in schools and I’m intrigued as to how that develops into adulthood:

  • Is it most often the bully or the victim who becomes the adult perpetrator?
  • What can we do to discourage this behaviour in our children?
  • How can we best support them if they are targeted – or, indeed, if they’re a bystander?

Since originally writing this post I’ve looked into bullying in more depth and even interviewed an expert on the subject. You can read more here:

Tags

Relationships, Tips and Advice

An award-nominated blogger and author, Kate is an experienced breastfeeding advocate, and expert baby sleep chaser. Her writing has appeared on Mothercare, Huff Post, and BritMums.

14 Comments

  1. I’ve always tried to get on with everyone so hate cliqueiness.I would be interested in reading more about the subject if you do cover it in more depth.

    • Kate Reply

      Hi Mellissa, it’s in the pipeline for a few weeks time. I hope you check back, I’d love to hear your thoughts on the future posts I have planned.

  2. When Blake was first born and we started going to groups I found that lot of mums were cliquey which made me as a new mum so uncomfortable. I have been lucky to now be with a lovely group of women but I still try and talk to other new mums too as not to make them feel left out.

    • Kate Reply

      There are some who are lovely – not every mum or every group is awful. But sadly it does seem to be quite a big issue in my experience and from what I’ve heard from others. I’m the same as you and try to go out of my way to ensure others are not isolated. Not everybody is as kind as us though! ?

  3. I think some people just click and that is why they are cliquey and some people just like to be top dog and surround themselves with people….

    • Kate Reply

      Yes, top dog sounds about right, I could certainly apply that to a few people I know!

  4. I have noticed that in certain female groups there seems to be an “alpha” female. One who tries to control the group and keep her “reign” I wouldn’t say its exclusive to women but I hear about it more in women groups. Very interesting and thanks for talking about it!

    • Kate Reply

      The ‘alpha’ idea is probably quite relevant actually. Perhaps these women are actually quite insecure and looking for valuation?!

  5. I hate cliques, they always make someone feel inferior. Sometimes I think they do it on purpose but likewise I don’t think they always realise what they are doing. We have a situation at school with some of the Mums and many think they are being cliquey but actually I think they are just having such fun amongst themselves they don’t really ‘see’ everyone else ?

    • Kate Reply

      Interesting point! Perhaps they’d be mortified if it were pointed out to them that they come across that way… But I don’t think applies to them all!

  6. I went to an all girls school and the cliques really annoyed me even then. I still find big groups of women a bit nerve wracking in all honesty!

    • Kate Reply

      I feel you! I’m really more comfortable in small groups with just one or two others.

  7. I think in some situations it can appear like people are in cliques when infact they have seen someone they know and naturally gravitate towards them. Some people are too afraid of interupting to join

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